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He hardly dares to discuss it. Erik (42) rarely succeeds in getting his girlfriend to come. He is ashamed to death and feels like a failed lover. What seems? He’s not alone.

Psychology in Theater
Psychology In Theater
drs. Misha Blom (with interpretation by dr. David Blom) – psychologists and theater makers

I usually come in 10 minutes. But she…. it’s like she’s just waiting for it to be over. The worst part is when she fakes. She might think I don’t notice, but I’m not crazy. I wonder… Don’t I turn her on anymore? Or does she have someone else? It makes me terribly insecure, but every time I ask about it, she says with a big smile that she still loves me very much. Then I think… yes… I love my mother too. But that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with her. She just can’t come, or at least… not on me.

Maybe it’s because I lost my job. Since the reorganization of the company, I have been sitting at home without work and Inge has gone to work. I feel pretty worthless myself. When we do it together, it feels like she’s only doing it for me. Somehow I know it’s absurd, but then I feel like a pervert abusing her body.


Sex has become quite a thing. A very loaded thing. We can’t really enjoy it anymore.

Erik’s story is not an isolated one. Studies show it; few men can bring a woman. Only 29% of women always come during sex, while 80% of men get their money’s worth with every lovemaking!


And you may not even be alarmed by these numbers. Because ‘Women don’t really care about cums, do they?’, ‘They are more focused on intimacy, do they?’, And yes, ‘They also come more difficult than men?’ So be it.

Now is the best time to have sex

No. Not true. A shame! A great orgasm is also achievable for women. And having an orgasm turns out to be just as important to her sexual happiness. She experiences the orgasm in the same way as the man. Which is not surprising, when you consider that she actually has the same ‘pleasure organ’.

And by the same organ of pleasure, I really mean the same organ of pleasure: penis and clitoris, they originate from the same embryonic tissue, they both swell when aroused and are both equally sensitive due to all their nerve endings.

But despite these similarities, the clitoris gets much less pleasure. Both literally and figuratively. For example, where the penis has become central to our image of heterosex from the ‘flowers and bees’, the clitoris has to do with much less attention.


This is probably because the clitoris is less important for our reproduction. Above all, it is for pleasure. Without a clitoris, children are just as likely to be conceived.


But why is the clitoris, this exceptional pleasure organ, so often overlooked?

The simplest answer is that the clitoris is simply not part of the ‘standard sex recipe’ for men: penetration and blowjob. The clitoris does not play a role in this. Penetration usually does not lead to orgasm in the woman, because the usual positions are mainly aimed at the man’s peak (he is ‘in control’), and not at the stimulation of the clitoris.


But this doesn’t tell the whole story. The clitoris is also often neglected, because many men have too little knowledge of the female body. Something that does not change quickly on its own, because men are expected to know everything.

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Because while parents and teachers still find it difficult to talk openly about sex, romantic comedies and millions of porn videos send a very clear message: a good lover knows exactly what he is doing. We never see the adonis in question asking his female opponent if what he does is nice. This gives the male viewer a distorted picture of reality. As a result, it feels a shortcoming for many men to have to ask such questions.

For the woman, it feels uncomfortable to ask for more sexual pleasure.
This has a number of causes.

♥ If the woman indicates that she needs more to orgasm, she is afraid of sending a signal that she is sexually incompetent As if she was saying that it is difficult to get aroused.


♥ Precisely because the man is supposed to be lord and master of the sexual situation, it can be exciting for the woman to adjust him in this, for fear of offending his honor.

♥ There is slut fear – a woman who knows exactly what she likes and just dares to ask for it is often seen as slutty.

Finally, many (young) men simply do not think it is important enough to make the woman cum, especially if they are not in a relationship with her. For example, the majority honestly admits to being selfish in these contacts. Or, as one young man so aptly puts it, “I don’t give a shit.”

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Although the orgasm should not become an end in itself, and the absence of it does not mean that there is no pleasure, it is true that women with an orgasm enjoy more.


So let’s do something about the most common obstacles. Five tips.

  1. Develop self-knowledge

First of all, as a woman, you will have to know what you like. For example, certain positions will offer you more clitoral stimulation than others ( on top , for example, you have more control over friction). Or maybe you crave clitoral stimulation before and after, but not during penetration. Different touches around the clitoris can produce very different sensations.

By masturbating you can explore all of these different sensations. What gives you pleasure and an orgasm? As far back as 1953, the famous sex researcher Alfred Kinsey found that women who masturbated before marriage came much more easily during their first year of marriage than women who had not. And the age at which you start to masturbate also predicts the likelihood of you coming later in life.

As long as you don’t really know what you want, you will never be able to help your bumbling partner become a really good lover. A shame

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Prepare yourself


To find out what you want, it can be good – especially with regard to casual contacts – to prepare for sex. At least in mind.

Ask yourself the following questions beforehand: What things would you like to try? What if the other proposes things you haven’t thought about yourself? Do you say ‘no’ by definition?

Do at least some soul searching before you let someone else into your sex life.

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  1. Practice your communication

Think about ways to express your desires in advance. Practice out loud! Think of sentences like, “It feels great when you do that,” “Wait, can I move something,” or “Shall we try something else?” How do you want to communicate such vulnerable feelings? By thinking about this, you will naturally discover the best ways to interact with well-meaning sex partners.

On the other hand, as a man you can also directly (or more sensitively) ask about the pleasure of the other. Practice with comfortable (or sexy) questions like “Do you like this?” or ‘Does this feel good for you?’. But also consider more inviting comments such as “Tell me what you like,” “I’d like to know what feels right for you,” or “What are things you’d like to try?” These questions encourage your partner to express her desires.

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  1. Have oral sex

Particularly in sex without a relationship, there seems to be an oral gap, which can partly explain the orgasm gap. Fellatio (pipes) is very common in hookups, while cunnilingus ( eating pussy) is remarkably rare. And this while oral sex is an ideal way to bring each other to orgasm.

  1. Keep your steady relationship exciting

A committed relationship is the ideal setting to close this orgasm gap. Within this setting you can continue to work on your ‘skills’ as a man. For example, we see the oral satisfaction of women increase significantly. Also, the committed relationship quickly becomes your safe haven to communicate your sexual desires, without the fear of appearing like a slut .

On the other hand, steady relationships can become ‘sexually boring’. You will find each other less aroused, habituation occurs, something that, according to research, is especially true for women.

Therefore, keep working on open sexual communication within your steady relationship. Research shows that people who continue to share what they enjoy, such as how much they enjoy being kissed or orally satisfied, are much happier sexually.

And as a woman, continue to discover yourself. Women in long-term relationships who continue to masturbate have more orgasms and less time to become aroused. You will find endless inspiration on google. Keep discovering what you like and share it with your partner.


Besides, talking about sex can be pretty sexy 😉

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