Adultery: Should we forgive? (testimony)

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Adultery: Should we forgive?

Adultery: Should we forgive?

He deceived me, should I forgive him? Question from Sandrine

Hello

I discovered that my husband (we have been married for less than 2 years and have a little boy of 3 and a half years)had cheated on me with two different people: once while our son had been out of the hospital a week earlier (that he confessed to me on his own) and another time, with another girl for three months (I discovered it with phone bills, subscription taken to deceive me).

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This situation annihilates me and I am very afraid for the balance of our child. Our couple was not well since my delivery (intense fatigue, routine, low-misted sexuality, lack of dialogue, dispute for the education of our son) but I did not think he could break our vows. Today, he would like me to forgive him, but I only see the horrors he has done.

What must I do?

Thank you for your help, I am desperate.

Sandrine

Adultery: Should we forgive?

Hello Sandrine,

Perhaps I will say the opposite of what you are expecting, but I would like to tell you frankly what I think of this situation.

First of all, I do not know if you have read these articles but I recommend them to you: Adultery, confess or not? AND How to react to adultery?

Your husband cheated on you once and confessed it to you on his own. If some see in this confession of selfishness, a way of de-stigmatizing, I see it rather as a form of honesty and if he confessed it to you it is because he really wanted you: to the point of accepting that you leave him following this act. You forgave him.

And, if he hid it from you the second time, I guess it was because he was ashamed and he knew that if you found out, he wouldn’t be able to tell you “it won’t happen again” and that he would lose your trust for good.

However, without taking his defense (fortunately), when I read you, I have the feeling that it was a stormy and difficult period for your couple. So, yes, it’s a bit simple to look elsewhere as soon as we feel that our couple is running out of breath. There are people who are stronger than others, who know how to resist moments of unrest better.

Where it bothers me is that her relationship lasted three months with this other woman, so it wasn’t a “one-night stand” or a way to fill her sexuality. Your husband certainly needed tenderness and comfort that he could no longer find with you because of this difficult time.

But the real questions to ask yourself are: He wants to stay with you, why? Do you really think that he loves you (yes, because I am not traditional and I believe that deceiving does not mean not loving anymore. Deceiving can be a sickly, impulse act, but also a way to blow, to rediscover the peppers of a beginning of a relationship while knowing that you love your half … the problem is that a priori, when you want to do that, you need a tacit agreement between the two partners. Set the record straight from the start, which you don’t). ( Adultery: Should we forgive )

And you, do you really love him or do you stay with him for the balance of your child?

For me, the real questions are there. What for? Because today we tend to be governed by a morality, societal mores that make us think that we are abnormal (abnormal) if we stay with someone who has committed adultery. Thus, shame and our pride are the two factors that push us to break up, more than our real desire. Obviously, the fear that the act will happen again and the destroyed trust are also among the destructive elements of the couple. ( Adultery: Should we forgive )

After that, you need to know how far you are both willing to go. Is there still hope of finding a simple and sincere love? Maybe you should get help from someone, start a marriage therapy to better start.

It’s up to you to know if you feel able to forgive him. And when you forgive someone, you can’t go back on past facts: that’s the last thing to do. The advice I can give you is not to condition yourself in relation to society. Do not talk about it too much around you because, even if at the moment you have the impression that it feels good, if you decide to stay in a couple, your spouse will be frowned upon by your loved ones and it will be all the more difficult to restart on a good basis.

You say you keep thinking about the horrors he has done to you. I understand, it’s terrible to imagine the other having fun with another woman, to know that he spent intimate moments with someone other than himself. And the only cure for this wound is time. And sometimes it takes a lot to fully forgive. ( Adultery: Should we forgive )

In short: If you love him and he loves you, you can give him a chance as long as you do a job on yourself and maybe, he agrees to do one on himself so that he understands what he missed, why he did this. If you can’t stand him anymore and you really can’t forgive him, end your relationship.

You talk about your son’s balance and it is not by staying together in a conflictual and unhealthy relationship that your child will evolve in good conditions. On the contrary.

Your situation is difficult and extremely painful, but I hope I have enlightened you. Forgiveness exists, but it is not the ultimate solution. You need to know what you really want: for YOU and no one else.

Leah