Usually after a breakup, but also during the relationship, the loss of the other can sometimes be unbearable and you may now ask yourself the question “am I emotionally dependent on the person I love”? To help you answer this question, let’s first define what ’emotional dependence’ means.
Emotional dependence changes autonomy
We often associate the concept of emotional dependence with addiction… behavior that is based on a recurring desire that at some point has become unmanageable, despite the person in question being motivated to escape his / her addiction. Emotional dependence is characterized by varying feelings towards the partner. Those feelings can go from extreme pleasure to extreme suffering.
Emotional dependence is actually separation anxiety, and it stems from a lack of self-love. The desire to love and be loved is so great and important because that lack must be satisfied.
You are then quickly inclined to look for a new partner who on the one hand does not quite suit you (you are then quickly satisfied with that other relationship, even if it is less than the relationship you had with your ex), and on on the other hand, that lack cannot be satisfied. It’s like putting money in a pocket with holes in it. We can keep stuffing that pocket, but as long as the holes are not closed, everything will roll out anyway . (emotionally dependent)
As a result, we take a submissive position in the relationship, where it is sometimes even difficult to say “no”.
If you are emotionally dependent, ‘loving’ more means’ satisfying the other’s desire because you expect something in return.
But this dependence is not only manifested by submissive behavior, the other hidden side of this dependence is of course the desire to have control over the other and to be indispensable holidays, outings with friends, finances, housekeeping)
There is a difference between a somewhat healthy dependence and excessive dependence
Am I emotionally dependent?
I think the question should rather be “what prevents my dependence from doing” or “what is hindering my dependence” and especially “why is that so?”
Some form of mutual emotional dependence in a relationship is necessary and important. You see the emergence at the beginning of a relationship, where passion and merging of partners merge (“we are alike” “I have found the man / woman of my life”) and where both desires are completely satisfied.
At some point, the relationship needs space to develop into a more realistic and mature relationship. It is the well-known “we are now off the pink cloud” as soon as we see that the other can no longer meet our expectations because of the differences that have arisen (we are not actually equal but we complement each other) (emotionally dependent)
Emotional dependence can turn into emotional suffering when we accept everything from the other and at the same time deprive ourselves (e.g. you accept from your partner that you are no longer allowed to see your family, that your own desires are no longer important) because you want reassurance are and above all recognized.
Do not forget the social pressure from society. You hear it when someone says to you ‘you still haven’t found a partner’. As if you cannot be happy without a partner. Also think of the typical fairytales, romantic films where passion and impossible relationships play the leading role. We become unconsciously conditioned by that.
How can you best love someone without being emotionally dependent?
If you feel that you are an emotionally dependent type yourself and suffer from separation anxiety, then it is important to think carefully about your own role, behavior in the relationship before starting a new one.
It is common for someone to display unbalanced behavior in the initial phase of the relationship. A lack of secure attachment in childhood is often at the root of this.
In general, when we experience emotional dependence after the breakup, we quickly try to find a new partner so as not to be alone because we are unable to fulfill our own desires. After a breakup, it is important to take some distance, think about your goals for the future, and think about what exactly you are looking for in a relationship.
The secret to a balanced happy relationship (emotionally dependent)
A relationship can be sustainable if partners support each other and positively stimulate each other while they know that the other cannot always meet expectations and desires. It’s learning to love the way your partner loves you, even if it’s not the way you would have liked.
The difference between true love and emotional dependence is that true love allows you to love the other person without expecting anything in return and at the same time you are not afraid to express your real feelings, guard your own boundaries, or fear the other. reactions from your partner.
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