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Am I too demanding in love?

Am I too demanding in love? Question from Paola

Hi Therea,

So it’s been 3 years that I’ve been with my “boyfriend”, who is no longer really because I decided to put an end to our relationship, knowing that during our relationship we left and then put together many times, however I think that getting back together is not always a solution because the root of the problem always resurfaces at some point.

I think I am no longer in love with him because I no longer miss him as before, I have the impression that we have nothing to say to each other or maybe what he has to say no longer interests me. In fact I think that our conversations and our relationship no longer really makes sense, I feel wey and too accustomed. If I don’t leave him he will never do it because he’s the one who loves more than I do. When I think about it I wasn’t really crazy about him but there was a little feeling or maybe it’s because it was my 1st serious relationship.

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I tried to change him because his clothing tastes did not please me (ghetto, guy of the street) I changed him in good I think, he was different but it was not really enough, then comes another problem the fact that he does a CAP Cuisine which has never succeeded moreover because he has not yet had this diploma while he goes on his 20 years, while I am in terminale.

To tell the truth I listen a lot to my mother’s advice and she made me think, I find that my relationship with him leads to nothing and is only a hobby when it is not what I am looking for.

I want a man with a future at least who is a student, I’m not going to say that I’m a materialist but at some point we’re not going to spend our whole lives looking each other in the eye and throwing myself I love you. 

True love is to be at the side of the one we love but it turns out for my part that it is not enough at least not with him. Maybe things would have been different if I loved him to die but now I look at the person’s situation first before I get into a relationship. ( Am I too demanding in love )

I believe that I have no future with him in the long term, he promises things that fail, and honestly I do not see myself receiving a better salary than my husband.

I now dream of meeting a boy surely in college, whom I would be madly in love with and he too, it is true that I dream of a fairy tale but I know that I can find it….

Do you have any advice? Thanks in advance

Hello Paola,

Apparently your choice seems made: you want to leave it and you are well aware that we cannot change the other: either we are tolerant enough to accept our defects, or love is stronger than anything, or we decide to put an end to the relationship. At your age, it is still a shame to “clutter up” with a relationship that does not bring you much in the end.

I will repeat point by point the questions raised in your message: ( Am I too demanding in love )

“I think I am no longer in love with him because I don’t miss him as before, I have the impression that we have nothing to say to each other or maybe what he has to say no longer interests me. In fact I think that our conversations and our relationship no longer really makes sense, I feel way and too accustomed. If I don’t leave him he will never do it because he’s the one who loves more than I do. When I think about it I wasn’t really crazy about him but there was a little feeling or maybe it’s because it was my 1st serious relationship. »

I do not think we can be clearer than this paragraph. If you have nothing more to say to yourself or, worse, that what he tells you no longer has any interest in your eyes, it seems obvious that it is useless to continue the relationship. Normally, youthful love is strong, intense and passionate. You don’t even live together and you’re already talking about weariness…

You can’t stay with him even if you have affection. You also say that you have never really been crazy about him, I strongly advise you to read my article on THE FIRST LOVE it may allow you to know if or not you have already liked him. ( Am I too demanding in love )

I also refer you to the article “THE STAGES OF A COUPLE” because, tell me if I am wrong but, to read you, I have the impression that you have barely gone through the “passion” phase and that you have directly arrived at the “opposition” or even “independence” phase for your part but in the wrong sense of the term. You are independent to the point of realizing that you don’t need him to be happy.

“I tried to change him because I didn’t like his clothing tastes.”

It’s basically terrible as a sentence because if you interpret it, his clothing tastes were so unbearable to you at the sight that you did everything to change them. So yes, he’s young, you too, and we can still change but that’s his way of being too and you can’t ask him to be someone else. He does a CAP cooking for example, you can’t ask him to be an engineer. And, to return to the clothes, the clothes we wear sometimes or even often reflect a certain personality, an education …

You cannot shape someone the way you would like. I also invite you to read the article CHANGE THE OTHER to see more clearly  Because “who are we to position ourselves as a model of anyone? No one holds the rule that measures the “right way” to live, to speak, to think, to act.

 Wanting to change the other is none other than an abuse of power that unfortunately shows that we see our partner as an object, a “thing” that we could model like a Pygmalion or that we would like to educate like a big child. Robin Norwood in “those women who love too much” explains” The need to succeed in changing the other is one of the destructive elements of the relationship”.  ( Am I too demanding in love )

Indeed, isn’t it a derivative way of swinging at the other that we don’t like it as it is, and, therefore, that we don’t like it at all? »

“I want a man with a future at least who is a student, I’m not going to say that I’m a materialist but at some point we’re not going to spend our whole lives looking each other in the eye and throwing myself I love you. True love is to be at the side of the one we love but it turns out for my part that it is not enough at least not with him. Maybe things would have been different if I loved him to die but now I look at the person’s situation first before I get into a relationship. »

It is good to know what you want, but we must not put up barriers. Similarly, the advice of a mother is precious but the man you choose to make your life will be the fruit of your decision. It is you who will spend your life alongside the one you have chosen, your loved ones can put you on the right path, warn you and advise you but sometimes, when love falls on you…

Not everything is going according to plan. You may want a man with a beautiful situation, I assure you that when you fall madly in love you will not ask him what his salary is. It is true that ambition, money… are important, but not essential, criteria. And at your age I find it a shame to forget the magic of love and to refocus your expectations on material when love is anything but material. 

It is afterwards, when the state of love becomes “couple” that you will ask yourself these existential questions but not now: neither before finding someone, nor the first months. Let yourself live! ( Am I too demanding in love )

If I had only one piece of advice to give you it would be this: don’t try to think like a 30-year-old woman, enjoy life, don’t close yourself off. You say: “It’s true that I dream of a fairy tale but I know I can find it…” well yes you are 100% right and you would be very wrong not to believe it! Maybe you’ll meet someone in college, maybe in a party, maybe at friends’ houses.

You can’t predict things and you shouldn’t want to control them! And then, from now on, the first salaries arrive late, we do long studies nowadays and we change fields very often so there is no point in wanting to crystallize things. Tomorrow, you can perfectly meet a guy in chemistry college who will be a banker afterwards, or a guy who studies computer science who will become a teacher… That’s what’s  beautiful also Not knowing…

I hope you have understood through my answer that I find you very mature for your age and that I am sure that you make the right choice with your current boyfriend because he simply does not suit you. For the next one, I would say to you: let things come and not be so demanding. Salary does not make the human and believe me, in the long run, human qualities are preferable to material! 

Leah