Am I well in my relationship? Question from Mary

Am I well in my relationship?

Hello

This is the first time I’ve tried to talk about my situation via a site but I’m lost.

I am 28 years old and I have been in a relationship for 6

years. We met at our student workplace. We immediately hooked. We looked so much like each other. After a first couple of a few weeks, I quickly left him to continue my single life that I could not leave. Then quickly, I realized that I was always coming back to him. We got back together as a couple but I stopped again a few days but there, it was different.

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I reproached him for a lack of physical alchemy… Nevertheless, I could not bear not to be with him, not to be able to touch him! In short, I realized that I was extremely complicated and that what excited me the most was not to own it. Having noticed my feelings, we quickly got back together and it’s been 6 years that it lasts!! Everything was going very well until the day I had my competition a few months before the end of his studies.

Until then, we used to live with revisions, courses and daily stress. But I felt the urge to go out, to party when he needed me for his revisions. Our couple deteriorated, I preferred to go out and he reproached me (rightly). A little at a time, I let myself be taken over by the new world that was opening up to me. I enjoyed going out regularly, meeting new people until I met a boy who seduced me.

 It did not particularly attract me but the forbidden, the non-possession and the butterflies in the belly got the better of me. After several weeks, I ended up kissing her. My boyfriend learned it, it was terrible. I decided to leave for a while. I went to this boy’s house and never really could do a job of introspection. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and tried a story with the other boy… I was quickly disappointed andI missed my ex more and more. 

When I wanted to see him and discuss it, I learned that he had someone and there, it literally annihilated me. I cried and tried to win him back for more than a month… successfully. Despite many discussions, he wanted to resume but warned me that he would never forget. Also, the first few months were not always easy. Soon after, he ended up going to work abroad. ( Am I well in my relationship? )

After some hesitation, he wanted me to join him. Which I did as soon as I found a job. Our history makes more than one dream of it…

Now that I’ve moved, I’ve left everything behind: friends, family, hometown (even my cat) and I had a hard time getting into

it. It is a corner that is fabulous but is a little country. However, I have always been very independent and very urban. I was always with my friends… cinema, restaurant, parties, shops, bars, concerts, it was perfect!!! Now, my boyfriend and I are constantly together (apart from the days of work). The first few months were punctuated by many disputes.

Taking all 2 out of the studies, we had a new life and a new daily life. Household chores are gaining momentum (pu of excuses for revisions) and spoil our fun. He does not know how to manage the work and everything that has next to it… while I have no choice! Beyond that, I have no more friends, no more family, no more my little life that I loved so much. I can no longer go out between girls and let myself be dredged r just for fun.

 All this weighs heavily on me!!! I have everything to be happy but my week comes down to work because it is very quickly night here and although we try to go to the restaurant, have drinks … I do not feel satisfied. All this complicates our life as a couple and I ask myself more and more questions: do I still love it?



Am I not hiding my face? What if I missed her again? Even more beautiful? These questions invade me and terrorize me. Add to that a lack of libido that makes me even more anxious….



I find that it lacks sex appeal and when I try to create a little passion, it makes a mechation! ( Am I well in my relationship? )

I can’t take stock and get rid of my

doubts. At one point everything is fine, I want to make my life with him, and at another, I panic. I am going soon 2 weeks for exams in my hometown.



Also, we will have a nice period of separation where I will be able to meet again. Nevertheless, I am afraid to make the observation that I am happier when I live only for myself, that I want to flirt with other boys just for fun…





Over the years, I realize that I am a person who likes to please and who has the unfortunate tendency to believe that the grass is greener

elsewhere… but is it just a defect or a signal?? Thank you in advance for your advice…

Am I well in my relationship?

Hello Melanie,

Indeed, you have surrounded yourself well. You are someone who likes to please, you are far from being the only one to reassure yourself, but this need for seduction can sometimes become heavy. You constantly want to relive the passion and you know that even if you love your friend, you will never relive the passion with him again. If, if you leave him and come back to him, you will have this feeling again… What for? Because as you say so well, we always want what we don’t have. Thus, as soon as you achieve your ends, desire and passion fade very quickly. If you have not read it, I recommend my article on the steps of a couple.

No matter what life you have, the man you will be with, you will always find fault because you will always live thinking what you could have lived if you had done this or that. Only, by dint of spending your life imagining how it could have been and not how it is, you never live in the moment and find yourself confronted with anxieties that have no place to be.

In terms of your city side and the life you lead today, it’s different. Can’t you create friendly bonds where you now live? So that you can go out and party again from time to time. Indeed, no matter how much you are in love with the person you live with, no one can be happy by living exclusively. It’s all very well to make restaurants, to go for drinks both, but it’s not enough.

We all need to see our family, to party in our own way. It’s clear that you won’t be able to thrive if you don’t make the effort to connect. Why can’t you sign up for a course? Has an activity that you like? There is nothing better to meet people. ( Am I well in my relationship? )

As for the couple as such, it’s almost always been like that from what you tell me. You fixed on the little things that bother you at home and you make a mountain out of it. At least you were able to try the experiment with that other that you liked and realize for yourself that it was all in your head. Finally, it is sometimes better to imagine than to take the plunge.

We talk about fantasies, and everyone needs them more or less. The excitement of the forbidden has many advantages: inventing torrid encounters, imagining one with this man crossed in the street whose gaze was piercing… All this without having to feel guilty.

Alas, when one spends one’s life fantasizing about it, there is bound to come a time when one is unhappy. You need to seduce and feel seductive. You don’t have to give up on that, you just have to find, as I said, the way to meet people and make your life a little more fun and punchy than it is today.

I’m convinced that you still love your friend, you just can’t accept what life gives you for fear of what you miss. You always know what you lose but never what you find then, when you feel good with someone, you should not think too much.

Now you have to:

– Register for an activity for September (theater, dance, yoga, sport …)

-You force yourself to create links even if it is not obvious

 Sorts with new people and WITHOUT your friend

– Manage to immerse yourself in the present moment ( Am I well in my relationship? )

– Well measure the gap between what you have and what you would like to have (is it so far away?)

Wear a fresh look at what you have, on your life, as if you had it for the first time

– Appreciate what you have

– Stop imagining the life you could have had and that you focus on the one you have

Finally, as for sexuality, explain clearly that sometimes you would like more passion in your relationships but that you are discouraged because he always takes everything to the laugh. Tell him in a moment out of intimacy: at the restaurant, in front of a film…

Hoping to have helped you, I wish you to find balance in your relationship and your life,

Yours, steve