Anorgasmia: when orgasm does not come

Anorgasmia: when orgasm does not come

They experience desire, and even pleasure, but fail to reach orgasm . Anorgasmia is that inability for some women to reach the peak of sexual pleasure. A blockage of ecstasy that can be a source of guilt, bad self-image, problems within the couple. But it is possible to overcome. 

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Anorgasmia: a blockage of ecstasy

For some women, reaching orgasm is impossible. Some have never succeeded, others no longer succeed, or only by masturbating . We then speak of anorgasmia, not to be confused with frigidity .  Anorgasmia: when orgasm does not come

If an anorgasmic woman experiences desire, and even pleasure, but cannot reach orgasm, a woman suffering from frigidity does not experience sexual desire.

“There are several phases in the scenario of access to pleasure: a phase of desire, a phase of excitement, a stage of plateau, orgasm and a phase of resolution, details the sex therapist Alain Héril . In women, the so-called resolution phase can be linked naturally to an arousal phase, which can lead to a new orgasm. 

This is the so-called multi-orgasmic function of women. In anorgasmia, women remain in the plateau phase. They can feel an intense pleasure but this one is never “gratified” by the orgasmic surge “. 

The absence of orgasm, common in young women (Anorgasmia: when orgasm does not come)

It is difficult to know how many women are affected by anorgasmia, which is one of the most frequent reasons for consultation in the offices of sexologists and sex therapists.

In young women, anorgasmia is common. “Before 40, many women have not learned to let go completely,” explains Alain Héril. This does not mean that they suffer from any pathology. We then speak of preorgasmia.

The causes of anorgasmia

Often times, anorgasmia has its origin in a fear of orgasm, “of losing control and revealing an overly pleasurable nature, a fear which is usually linked to moral and educational considerations. A bad image of oneself, of one’s body, complexes, great modesty, or even a lack of self-confidence, can also come into play. (Anorgasmia: when orgasm does not come)

Another frequent cause: sexual abuse which, even experienced in childhood, leaves traces and is unfortunately not without consequences on sexual pleasure. 

Anorgasmia can also be transitory, and appear following a significant event: separation, bereavement, dismissal, childbirth. It can also occur during problems within the couple: estrangement of the two partners, conflicts, discovery of an infidelity … 

Live without feeling an orgasm

Many women tolerate this lack of orgasm quite well. Which, even if we live in a society marked by the dictatorship of “enjoy at all costs”, is not required to have a fulfilling sex life. “Like penetration, by the way! », Adds Alain Héril.

No need, therefore, to seek orgasm at all costs. ” It does not make sense. Sexuality is a matter of meeting (with oneself and with the other) and of emotional sharing. The emotions are diverse, numerous. The same goes for orgasms. They are not to be searched for every time. The “best” are those who surprise and who are not expected. “

What to do about anorgasmia? (Anorgasmia: when orgasm does not come)

Faced with the absence of orgasm, Alain Héril advises to start by “questioning his desire, his fantasies and especially his capacity to accept to lose control”. Without dramatizing the situation “at the risk of amplifying the problem”.

The idea? “Learn to let go in areas that are not related to sexuality. »Thanks to sophrology, for example. Or relaxation, meditation, yoga exercises …

As achieving orgasm is a learning process – as you also learn to make love – masturbation or the use of a sex toy can also help. “What we can unlock without a partner can then facilitate orgasmic letting go in a two-person relationship! “.

Talking about your anorgasmia

For women in a relationship, the question arises of talking about their anorgasmia with their partner. “If there is a good understanding and good communication between the couple, it is not necessary, it is felt and known straight away,” says Alain Héril. 

On the other hand, if the anorgasmia remains secret, it is better to discuss it without making the partner feel guilty. It is not always a lack of know-how but often a personal impossibility to allow oneself to let go of control. We can have the best lover in the world, if we don’t let go, we won’t have an orgasm! ”  

Some women prefer to pretend so as not to disappoint, frustrate, or upset the other. Which is not good for anyone, according to the sex therapist. “The sexual relationship is a place of sharing intimacy but also of delivering a relational sincerity and authenticity without which the sexual act is reduced to a purely functional use”.

When to consult?

Sometimes anorgasmia can be an obstacle to a fulfilling femininity. Or be a source of guilt, poor self-esteem, or even problems and misunderstandings in the couple. 

As soon as it causes suffering or discomfort, it is good to consult.

It is better to see a sex therapist or sex therapist as a priority – more than a gynecologist or a general practitioner – trained for this type of support.

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