Can we love and deceive? Infidelity is not always as it is believed

Can we love and deceive? Infidelity problem

Infidelity is a vast subject, tons of books and articles talk about it and yet… Love betrayal remains a scourge that destroys many hearts. In this article, I will rely on and quote THE book that I recommend to you, the one that I find the most complete with regard to adulterous issues, namely: “I love you, I deceive you” by Esther Perel. So, can we love and deceive at the same time?

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Can we love and deceive? Infidelity is not always as it is believed

In “I love you I deceive you”, the author has devoted an entire chapter on the issue, it is entitled “Even happy people deceive their partner”. This may seem shocking. A priori, when there is infidelity in the couple, we tend to think that it is because something was no longer going on within the couple. Well, no, not necessarily!

Esther Perel then explains: “The idea that infidelity can occur in the absence of serious dissension in the couple is difficult to accept. Our culture does not believe in adultery without just cause. When the marital relationship does not offer an explanation, we tend to blame the individual. »

We love each other but we are wrong because it is pathological? (Can we love and deceive? Infidelity problem)

When we put the blame on the partner who deceived, we will tend today to find him a pathology, as if adultery were a disease. “Psychological jargon has replaced hypocritical religious discourses, and sin has been overshadowed by pathology. We are no longer fishermen but sick people. «

“Strangely, clinical disorders have become a highly coveted currency in the market for the curative treatment of adultery. Some couples arrive in my office with already a medical explanation for their problems. »

She adds, “Many unfaithful spouses obviously show signs of depression, compulsion, narcissism, attachment disorders. Sometimes, a good diagnosis finally sheds light on inexplicable and destabilizing behaviors, both in the eyes of their author and the person who suffers the consequences. It is then a tool that shows the way to understanding and healing. But too often, the process of interpreting infidelity is bypassed by resorting to it right away.  »

People cheat on their partners for multiple reasons

I had already talked about a study done on this subject in my article: Why are we unfaithful? What I found interesting in the book I love you, I deceive you is to see how (re)self-discovery is one of the main causes of these infidelities. (p217): “People deceive their partners for many reasons, and every time I think I have heard them all, yet another one arises. One theme, however, comes up again and again: “that of the bond lived as a form of self-discovery, as the quest for a new (or lost) identity. For these people, infidelity is less a symptom of a problem than a rewarding experience synonymous with elevation, exploration and transformation. »

Another very interesting sentence appealed to me: (p.218): “Sometimes, when we look for someone’s gaze, it is not from our partner that we turn away, but from the person we have become.” Unfaithful people would therefore be looking for a renewal, some might need to turn away from what they have become in their little family life perhaps too tidy for their liking. For lack of change, for fear of continuity which, however, reassures them at the same time. We could therefore speak of an identity crisis.

es, we can love and deceive

As we have just seen, even people who love each other can be wrong. Search for a new identity, want to push its limits, to test the forbidden to find this passionate feeling of the high school years … In short, as difficult as it may seem, you do not necessarily deceive because you no longer love your partner. For some even, being unfaithful to their partner make them love them more. For, by rekindling the inner flame that they have in them, they revive their couple. Nevertheless, infidelity, once discovered remains one of the worst pains for the deceived person. Here is also in this article why love betrayal hurts so much.

And, when lovers decide to leave everything to get together, it rarely works…

(p.223): “Under the blow of passion, the lovers evoke with envy all that they will be free to do once together, but when the ban is lifted and the divorce pronounced, when the sublime joins the ordinary and the liaison enters the real world, what happens? Some happily settle into legitimacy, but this is not the case for all, far from it. As far as I can see, most liaisons end even when the marriage is broken off. Lovers may truly love themselves, but their idyll never has any other purpose than to be a beautiful story.”