Couple: how to assert yourself without getting angry
Many of us think that asserting oneself is getting angry. To avoid the dispute, we prefer not to say anything, to keep for ourselves. But that’s not the right solution
Fortunately, there are some very simple techniques to avoid these kinds of problems.
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Dare to say things
Who has never felt misunderstood by their spouse? Who has never kept resentments to themselves, just for fear of provoking an argument?
Yet it is not good for oneself or for one’s relationship to remain silent. Saying nothing does not avoid conflict, on the contrary. We store our anger which will eventually come out anyway but at an inopportune time, often unjustifiedly.
In addition, generally speaking, men love women with character, those who assert themselves. So let us dare to assert ourselves!
Because asserting oneself does not necessarily mean shouting or getting angry. On the contrary, expressing what you feel can save your couple, it allows you to move forward. It is not a question of imposing but of discussing.
Discuss without imposing (Couple: how to assert yourself without getting angry)
Yes, it is possible to say things without systematically going to conflict.
Your boyfriend goes out too often with his friends for your taste? The first time you don’t say anything, the second time neither. At the third party you begin to make him understand that you too, you would like to spend evenings with him but despite this, he continues to go see his friends. Until the evening too much. You explode, swinging all his flaws in his face, even those that have nothing to do with the situation. This is where the conflict breaks out.
If you also want to date your girlfriends, don’t make her feel that it’s just to get revenge. Telling him “since you’re with your friends all the time, tonight I’m also going out with girlfriends” won’t help matters. It’s not asserting oneself but taking revenge, and it just risks irritating him. Instead, let her know your desire, your feelings: “I want to see my girlfriends tonight because it’s been a long time”, or “I need to do an evening with girls”. He will feel less indicted and will not get angry.
If you find that he speaks badly to you in public, share with him your emotions: “I feel sad, I’m not comfortable, I’m hurt”. And if despite that he continues to talk badly to you, leave it! You’re probably in a toxic relationship.
Engage in dialogue with him. Discuss without imposing. Take into account your needs and his and find together what suits you.
Asserting yourself smoothly (Couple: how to assert yourself without getting angry)
To assert yes, but we must find the right balance, that it is not always the same in the couple who wins the case. You have to be able to respect your own desires while respecting those of your half.
The key to asserting yourself in a positive way is to dare to say what you feel. The next time he goes out to see his friends and abandons you, instead of blaming him by saying “Ah, you’re still going out with your friends,” tell him that you’d like to spend a romantic evening with him, that you feel like he’s not having as much fun with you as he does with his friends, that you think he doesn’t want to be with you, that he’s running away from you, that you need him. Tell him all this using the “I”. “I have pain”, “I am afraid that you will leave me”, “I need to spend time with you”. He will feel less attacked and will have more difficulty contradicting your arguments since it will be YOUR feeling.
We must also avoid generalising the situation. Typically, the “you are NEVER available to me”, or “you are ALL THE TIME with your friends”, will lead to an angry reaction in your partner who will feel judged.
Finally, avoid negative phrases like “I don’t want you to go out again tonight”. Prefer “I would like you to stay with me tonight because I feel sad”.
It is not always obvious I agree because we are often under the blow of emotion when we try to assert ourselves. That is why it is good to take a step back, not to act in the moment to discuss it calmly.
4 steps to follow to assert yourself smoothly (Couple: how to assert yourself without getting angry)
To establish nonviolent communication (NVC), it is best to follow these four steps. Observation of the situation. The feeling it provokes in us. Analyze the needs to which these feelings refer and formulate our request to his spouse.
Remember, your boyfriend is your ally, not your enemy.
And rest assured, it’s healthy to argue. All couples do it, the opposite would even be worrying. So don’t be afraid to say how you feel, say yourself!
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