Do I have to break or is it just a bad pass?
“Do I have to break or is it just a bad pass”? Amélie
Hello Léa,
I need advice because I’m really lost so I thought” why not ask someone I don’t know after all!!
It’s been 10 years that I’ve been with my spouse (he’s 39 years old and I’m 30) we have 3 children and today I don’t know if I’m in love with him! I know I would always like it because he is the father of my children and he is an exceptional man, who is crazy in love with me and would do everything for our family but I do not know !!!!
I have absolutely nothing to reproach him except that I think that we did not know how to maintain our couple and that we finally got lost simply! Besides his I got closer to a colleague of mine with whom I get along very well and as much he as I are attracted to each other! What for?? I don’t know!! it’s fusional!! I want to clarify that I was already wondering about my feelings towards my spouse long before my colleague arrived in my life!! The problem is that it does not help my questions: what happens to me? ( Do I have to break or is it just a bad pass )
Am I falling in love with another man? Do I really want to plate everything to try with him?? or is it that finally I have a bad period of my life and that my colleague certainly disturbs me but nothing more?? I don’t know! I don’t know anymore!! With my college I feel sensations that I did not know anymore (the guillis ptits in the bellies, the beat of my heart that accelerates ect.) but to see my spouse suffer is just horrible because I do not want to make him suffer!! (he doesn’t know anything about my colleague), and if I ever realize too late that I made a to leave my spouse and that in the end he doesn’t want me anymore!!
My story is quite complex and I sincerely hope you can help me! While waiting to read you again thank you in advance and see you very soon!
Hello Amélie,
In reality, your story is anything but complex, it is, in fact, quite common to many couples. Supporting evidence: “I love him but I doubt”, “Am I too demanding in love?” “Should I leave him” “Do I still love him?”. These questions have been asked by other internet users, so you are not the only one to ask yourself the question even if your feelings, the context of your relationship and your story differ. ( Do I have to break or is it just a bad pass )
If I take my article on the stages of a couple, you are in the phase of independence. All couples function more or less in the same way: we start with the state of love, more commonly called passion. And what is passion? It is the blindness of the defects of the other, the fusion, the little guilis in the belly as you say.
It is a timeless state that does a crazy good to our mind and our morale. Alas, passion never lasts. It can last 3 months like three years, but when you know the other by heart and there are no more surprises, it is normal that all the magic fades. Then comes the opposition phase: a rather rough period with a lot of arguments, a period when we often want the other to change, when we are in complete disagreement.
Then, if the couple manages to overcome this difficult phase, they come to independence. Independence is the moment when everyone takes care of himself and more or less accepts the other, as he is. However, independence is also the phase where you really get into everyday life, even more so when you have children.
In short, feelings for your spouse are always real but are no longer the same: you have affection for him and a lot of tenderness, he is the father of your children so he has an important place in your heart.
The fact that you have nothing to reproach him for does not mean that you still love him, nor that you no longer love him. The two obstacles are:
1) As you say, you have not been able to maintain your relationship
2) Your story with your colleague upsets all your decisions
I To maintain your relationship ( Do I have to break or is it just a bad pass )
You have been together for ten years, you have had children: you have been happy. Unfortunately, you have forgotten yourself. Nowadays, people tend to leave for a yes or a no, because it is simpler, because today we want to live a lot of things (we no longer work a lifetime in the same company or even in the same sector, we do not stay with the same person until our last breath …). However, you have to know if it’s worth it.
In my opinion, you are going through a difficult period because you are no longer fulfilled in yourrelationship, so you are looking for surprise and excitement elsewhere.
Do you think you could be happy without your spouse? Does it still bring you things in your life? Can you imagine your future without him?
If all three answers are negative, I think it would indeed be better if you took your courage with both hands and ended your relationship. You can’t stay with him just for fear of hurting him: and you’ll do much more by playing with fire with your colleague rather than making things clear to him.
Now, I’m not sure of your answers and it’s always possible to save your couple but for that, you really have to want it.
How to save your relationship? ( Do I have to break or is it just a bad pass )
The recurring problem is this: we tend to think that our partner is acquired. FATAL ERROR! Over time, when several years of relationship bind us together, we tend to rest on our laurels rather than consider a renewal in the relationship. Seduction then holds a very important place: it is quite possible to seduce her husband after ten years of relationship! You can engage in simple exercises to try to make each other happy.
Take each one a blank sheet and write on it all your expectations in relation to your partner / couple (for example: going out more often, making restaurants, going dancing, that he is less homemaker …). In short, all your desires. Exchange the sheets and see what is possible or not to achieve. You will at least know how to make the other happier.
There are thousands of ways to seduce the other (lingerie, surprise invitation, take care of yourself …), but, Amélie, if you feel that you no longer want to seduce your spouse, to make efforts for him just as he could do for you … So the overall assessment is negative.
II Your colleague ( Do I have to break or is it just a bad pass )
I don’t know if you’ve taken the plunge or not with your colleague or if you’re just turning around but it doesn’t change much. In my opinion, you like this colleague, you are clearly attracted to him but be careful not to burn your wings. This new gambling partner acts as a veil over your eyes and makes you doubt even more about your relationship with your spouse when she could still walk.
Obviously, if you left everything to get together with this man, it would be great for a few months, maybe a year or two but you’ll always get back to square one. You won’t be able to avoid the routine and, unless you want to change partners every three years, I advise you to think.
All your feelings are normal about this colleague, he takes you out of your daily life, makes you dream in a way, and revives the flame that burns in you. But, to live, on a daily basis, could it make you as happy or even happier than your current spouse?
in short
You’re lost and you don’t know what you want anymore. and if I ever realize too late that I made a to leave my spouse and that in the end he no longer wants me!! We cannot have our cake and eat it too… You have to take responsibility for your choices. Now we have to make it, this choice.
In my opinion, there is still a possible future with your spouse, your love has evolved, has transformed but is still there even if it is not very obvious. What I advise most often is the Break and I think for you it is mandatory.
You will never be able to have clear ideas if you navigate between your colleague and your husband. You absolutely have to distance yourself, if only for a week. You have to find a place to go for seven days and cut all the bridges with your spouse. That’s how you, and only that you’ll know if you’re missing it, and what you want. Because if you go and call him every day… It will have served no purpose!
You both have to talk, tell him that you don’t know where you are anymore, that you need to take a step back on your relationship and that, to do this, distance is necessary.
NB: be careful, your spouse is crazy about you, it is not given to everyone after ten of relationship. Maybe you think that it is completely acquired and that, knowing that you will not lose it, that it will never leave you, reassures you on the one hand but also makes you want to go elsewhere…
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