Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?
Today, it is Stephen who will answer the question that Rose asks herself, namely: Should I leave my husband for my lover?
Do I have to leave my husband for my lover? Rose’s question:
Hello
I am contacting you today because I am lost in the face of the situation that my couple is going through. I have been with my husband for 11 years and we had two beautiful children (5 years old and 3 years old). But since we had our second, I feel very neglected by my husband. I had the feeling of doing everything for three years, taking care of the children, working, doing household and administrative tasks… And despite my many calls for help, my husband never really changed (just nice promises in the air).
Our intimate life has faded little by little until it becomes non-existent.
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And then one day, a colleague started to dredge me up a little bit at work.(Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?)
I liked him very much but it was out of the question for me that I accept his advances… Until six months ago when I went for a drink with him and he made me dream. Not because he was selling me dreams, just because finally, I could share my life, my feelings with someone who listens to me sincerely and understands me. Something that I no longer have at all with my husband despite my attempts and my request to go see a couple therapist that he categorically refuses.
And then I finally cracked completely two months ago where I kissed T. my colleague.
Since then, I only think of him, I want to be with him all the time. And at the same time afraid of making a mistake and destroying my family life.
T. is single and his desire to live with me and even take care of my children is sincere I know, I feel it, I see it.
I am completely lost, this situation despairs me, I would never have thought in my life to be the person who would go elsewhere. And I hate that status. Hence my “anticipating” desire to make a decision…
Thank you in advance for your help
Do I have to leave my husband for my lover? Stephen response:
Dear Rose
I will help you in the reflection of your situation.
History of the couple:
First of all, it is important to re-situate your story in time.
You and your companion have created a relationship with two, 11 years of exchanges.
You have got to know each other, and adjust together a rhythm, desires and common projects.
Fusional moments, of construction, of evolution, to lead to the creation of your current family.
At first, the defects of the other do not appear as insurmountable, we even find in general that it has charm. (Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?)
It is good to remember what we liked from the beginning, what we liked less and what required negotiations or arrangements so that both of you could get along on a daily basis.
The union of two beings is complex, living with the other is all the more difficult, and each life event can at any time come to upset all this.
Routine and family unit
Precisely, in terms of disturbing life events: the birth of a child. What could be more confusing than to add a little bit to the fusional equation of the primary couple?
When mom spends more time with baby, Dad will feel neglected, and vice versa. When the child grows up and dad supports a “no” and involuntarily puts aside mom who she says “yes”… In short, couple crises after the arrival of a baby are unfortunately not uncommon. (Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?)
So when the first child arrives often we prepare for it, and the dialogue helps and allows us to quickly find a balance. Everyone is putting their own work into it. Our personal knowledge and constructions also confront each other to find an identical education scheme and advance at 3 at the same pace.
Of course the links are also strengthened, but are still solicited and put to the test.
Then comes this second child:
In this gear that worked rather well, complexity resurfaces and everything becomes difficult again.
Two children, so twice as much time with, the bickering that settles in the siblings, the linen that accumulates, the schedules are overloaded.
And the unexpected that sometimes allowed us to recharge our batteries, becomes a vast memory. Now it’s planning, and organization!
In short, everything is put in place to make you suffocate.
The routine in the couple brings a feeling of weariness, repetition, and you then wonder where the evenings at 2 and the moments under the grass duvet’mat’ on Sunday morning.
What is all the more delicate is that your spouse does not hear your call for help. (Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?)
However, it is a vital issue for your couple. You lack energy and breath on a daily basis. Managing the house, the children and all the papers, it is obviously the vase that fills up and that eventually overflows. Your mental load is far too heavy to carry alone.
Cracking is not a weakness. You manage to describe everything you can no longer stand, and this makes you a strong person who wants to change everyday life. You do not feel supported, and in a couple, being united and feeling that your partner is a pillar on a daily basis remains essential.
You say that he does not hear and that he refuses to see a therapist, and I feel very distraught in that sentence, since you try things, but he does not want to.
I have experienced the same thing, and believe me, the suffering you endure will not last.
I’m going to give you some advice that helped me open my eyes, and make the right decisions.
Leaving my husband for my lover: your individuality (Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?)
And you in the middle of it all? Yes, you.
You live every day at 1000 per hour, without turning around, or pausing and asking yourself the right questions.
Your brain allows you to be a full-time mother, and a companion. To think about all these schedules and organizations, yes to everything.. But have you think about the essentials?
Life is short, as long as it is rich, not because of what you are going through, but because of what you have decided to live.
Think back to yourself, the woman who had her childhood dreams, her desires, her hobbies, her pleasures.
You have to refocus on your own entity. (Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?)
Make the void in your head. And you ask questions, simple but which upset us all the same.
- Did you smile today?
- Did you have a good day?
- What are the motivations in everyday life in which you find pleasure?
- And most importantly: are you happy and satisfied with your life?
There are the right questions.
Questioning oneself, being less attracted to one’s spouse, being in difficulty in a situation, these are periods that every living being goes through.
Close your eyes. Open your heart wide and listen to it.
Not what is dictated by society and the “when will we say”, but just: “am I in love? Am I happy? » “How my day could be more sunny” “What do I like and what makes me smile”
Your view will be completely new on yourself, your situation, and you will have a very different vision of your situation.
Of course, every woman needs attention, looks, flattery to remember that in addition to being a mother, we are women.
Especially if the spouse is absent or unaware of the current situation.
The woman in addition, physically changes and evolves through time, pregnancies.
Getting closer to other people then becomes vital: (Do I have to leave my husband for my lover?)
Talk, share, feel listened to, be flattered… Are things that become indispensable.
The additional difficulty that then arises is complexity. If you meet someone how to know what to do when already nothing is clear in you.
I cannot decide for you what will be best, since only you know.
Nevertheless, after answering these questions, you will be refocused on yourself, all you have to do is make
choices.
advance
You have all the keys in hand to take stock.
- Think for yourself: What do I want? Being alone and thinking? Leave everything and start all over again? Everything is possible, just take a step back and refocus on your desires.
- Talk with your spouse: your doubts, your questions, your possible projects, the efforts to be made for both of you. An ultimatum? Starting again on a new basis?
- Define the future project for the current couple and the family unit
- Talk to your children with simple words
- Listen to this little voice that guides you. It is this same voice that prompted you to write to us, asking for advice.
Taking the step of asking for help is an action, and therefore a step forward. It is thinking about a future. You are therefore ready to move forward. Trust yourself.
Do not lose hope, and do not forget that many women go through your situation.
So, by trying you will necessarily arrive at a result…
If it is not satisfactory, it will be necessary to continue your quète on this path of life.
And finally, what do you risk? To be happy! Quite simply.
In the hope of having been to help you,
