Dysfunctions between men and women
John Gray in Men Come from Mars and Women Come from Venus sums up the misunderstanding that is at the root of many marital misfortunes: “believing that men and women are alike”. We know that, in theory. But in practice we do not understand each other, why? Because we do not understand our respective differences, why we do not operate in the same way.
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No, our partner does not want what we want, does not think as we think and does not communicate as we communicate. Incorporating this notion would prevent any difference from being experienced as an affront: “no, but you do it on purpose !?!!”.
So, what are these dysfunctions? (Dysfunctions between men and women)
- Both men and women need privacy and independence. However, women favour intimacy and men privilege independence. It is also quite easily noticed: the woman, often, wants to be with her man, all the time, and possesses deep down an unconscious desire for possession. Man, on the other hand, wishes to keep his freedom.
- Man has a vertical vision of the links: to be better or worse than the other, inferior or superior. For him, status plays a crucial role socially speaking. Why do you think that men are so reluctant to ask for their way? (“but no I’m not lost, I know perfectly well where we are…”). (Dysfunctions between men and women)
- Simply because this kind of solicitation reminds him of the hierarchy and he immediately feels in a position of inferiority. The woman, on the other hand, thinks in terms of proximity or distance, that is to say horizontally. She feels more or less friends with, more or less close to, so the woman feels others as potential partners. The woman seeks bonds of complicity, attention and in one sense, love of the other. Déborah Tannen in Decidedly, you don’t understand me, explains: “From school, girls want to be loved and boys respected”.
- The man has much more difficulty than the woman to express his feelings ,to communicate simply. Indeed, he will find no difficulty in talking about his work, his ambitions, his activities, about “him” as a social being. But everything related to emotion, feelings, moods … Monsieur does not like to talk about it, what is the point of talking about it? It’s gonzesses stuff, isn’t it?! The woman then feels rejected and misunderstood because, conversely, she speaks, speaks, speaks, cries, externalizes, describes her emotions, analyzes herself all the time. (Dysfunctions between men and women)
- The woman has this maternal instinct that often does not support. This unconscious need, once again, to “educate”, to “perfect” his partner to model him in the best possible way (so-called …), to make him more attentive, more this or more that… Which obviously, irritates the man, the independent, who sees his freedom recede and feels suffocated.
- Man knows what he has to do. For nothing in the world he would want to be helped to solve this or that problem. The only one that is capable of it is… he, and that’s it. The woman she, at the slightest difficulty will call her best friend, her mother, her sister, her psy. She wants to TALK, thinking that the key is in words. It focuses on the problem, unable to do anything other than think about it. Man, on the other hand, will emphasize action, avoiding rehashing the problem: the solution will come when it comes. Thus, according to John Gray, men and women manage stress differently: the man hides, the woman spreads. Always the same conclusion: men want to feel useful, women want to feel loved. (Dysfunctions between men and women)
- Men, sons of Mars, god of war. Women, daughters of Venus, goddess of love. Men, for J. Gray, live in a world where autonomy, freedom, competence, power and efficiency preside. Women seek harmony, love and exchange in relationships.
