Emotional dependence in the couple: life experience

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Emotional dependence in the couple

To be emotionally dependent is to unconsciously want to find one’s own value through the eyes of someone else. In the couple, it is therefore through that of his partner. Emotional dependence is a psychological state that is difficult to accept by the person who suffers from it. It is a form of contempt for one’s own inner value. The person perceives himself constantly and only through the other, which makes it difficult to build his identity and a healthy relationship.

As a couple, she seeks her partner’s approval for everything and suffers from an inferiority complex and a lack of self-confidence. And this does not only concern women, far from it. Why can we have this mode of operation? How does this happen in practice in the couple? Who suffers the most, who is responsible for it? Emotional dependence in the couple: life experience of a 42 years old, stay tune…..

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Emotional dependence in the couple

Until I was made to understand exactly what my “problem” was and put a word on it, a definition, I was not aware of the seriousness of the situation. And even less of the impact it had on my couple and therefore directly on my wife.

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been like that. Shy, clumsy, introverted, quiet, withdrawn. I never wondered why, it was said of me that it was my nature, a question of character, of temperament. And I’ve been coming to terms with it for years, I’ve never taken the time to tell myself that it could be a problem, have consequences. I was like that, period, and I was not looking any further.

Truth be told, I have never looked further.

I am someone who does not dig into certain subjects, uncomfortable with words, emotions, feelings. Psychology, personal development, all these are things that for me are abstract. For me I was not concerned.

I made my way, without asking myself any questions. I have always followed a marked path, obeyed orders, let others decide, direct me. At school, in the army, at work, in my marriage.

I followed a clear path, because for me life was that.

I didn’t ask myself any questions, I wasn’t unhappy, because I didn’t stop to ask myself.

It is true that I left it to others to decide, for everything, from the most banal thing to the most important decision. I have never really developed authority, initiative, creativity.

One is emotionally dependent in the couple when we let the other manage everything

The projects in my life, I have always made them with measured risks,for everything: work, money, marriage, a child.

I think I’m cautious,I need the approval of another person to make a decision and know which one to make.

I only realized it recently, because until then I hid behind excuses, pretexts, arguing that it was normal that in a couple we decided together. Except I didn’t decide.

I was not a man submissive to his wife, nor an absent man, no I was there but I was only following the movement.

I was a fan of “as you want”, “I don’t know”, “no problem”.

Thinking that would make things easier, I was in fact almost transparent, depending on my wife to whom I left the choice of everything.

I wasn’t afraid of her, no, but I thought she knew better than I did what decision to make, and where I thought I would make her life easier, I actually let her fend for herself. I understood it late, too late, when she could no longer bear my inaction, my lukewarmness, my incessant hesitations, my role as a husband that I did not really assume. She cracked, she left and filed for divorce.

Emotional dependence in the couple can destroy everything

I have lost all my bearings. And I could have stayed like that for a long time or replicated the same pattern if I hadn’t met a woman who made me realize who I was.

An introverted man, suffering from an inferiority complex, a huge lack of self-confidence, playing too often Calimero syndrome to hide me and run away from my responsibilities. And that therefore created no matter what happens a strong emotional dependence in my relationships with others.

I took a slap when she told me all this, but she opened my eyes.

Emotionally dependent, who am I really?

Here is what this woman told me and who gave me a real electric shock:

“Yes Loïc you are a kind, helpful, reliable man, you have enormous qualities no doubt. But you have also and above all developed, nourished and maintained since always negative emotions about yourself, a bad image of yourself,a truncated perception. And suddenly all your relationships are biased.

You put the other, the woman you are with, on a pedestal. To never decide anything, nothing to want, nothing to undertake, you let the other responsible for everything, carry the weight of everything. You then become a burden without even realizing it.

It’s as if nothing touches you, nothing concerns you. As if you constantly needed the approval of the other to think, to act, to live. Like a child waiting to be allowed to play. This need for recognition takes up all the space. Tu live through the other, you are dependent on it, on the relationship. But by dint of you develop an unhealthy relationship without realizing it.

What you don’t understand is that saying yes all the time, or waiting for the other to endorse, is to clear yourself of everything. You do not have the right to position yourself as a victim when you have chosen this role of emotional dependent. The others are not responsible for this. There is no manipulation,it is you who create, unconsciously certainly, this pattern. If you want to stay that way, you can’t impose it in a relationship. It is too heavy a weight to carry.

If you feel that way, so be it, it’s your choice. But you can’t feed yourself like this on others to find meaning in your life. You live vicariously, through the gaze of the other, drawing the strength that you do not have in you in the other. Do you understand how wearing this can be? How unbalanced is it? 

Emotional dependence in the couple: how to get out of it?

This conversation served as a rigger for me. I accepted the debate, the questioning, the need to dig. If I repeated the same pattern, I was going to stay alone or choke a woman again. I had to set the record straight. There are steps to really get out of emotional dependence. Thanks to her, my “guardian angel”, I embarked on a therapeutics work.

That is my understanding.

This emotional dependence is suffocating, unhealthy. It does not allow any couple to move forward serenely. The other cannot solve all my problems, heal my neuroses, my fears; only I can do it.

The proof… My wife is gone. She could no longer assume for two our couple. To be the only one to carry us, to reassure me while trying to move forward.

No one can carry someone else’s fate. So it’s up to me to act or suffer, but without creating a dependent emotional relationship.

All emotional dependence in couple has origins, it has its source somewhere.

In the past, childhood, trauma, poor construction of self-confidence. There is a reason. Even though it is my nature to let myself live, there are limits. I have become aware of this. Sometimes you have to take a slap to understand certain things.

To understand where it comes from is to allow me to take control of my life. To stop hiding behind someone else by feeding my inferiority complex. This has been done. I understood the why of the how. Found the source of the problem. It now remains for me to undo decades of false certainties. To rebuild myself by having confidence in myself and telling me that life is not only waiting for it to pass, it is living fully, being master and actor of its existence. I just hope it’s not too late for me