Has infidelity become “normal” and trivialized?
“To really tell you everything, I am married, looking for an official mistress. I didn’t really want to swing this cliché but hey it’s a little unfair that you don’t know. This may not be a detail for you. I hope you’re not going to run away. “…
I can’t even say, alas, that I needed to sit down to cash in on this truth that seems to be just a detail to him.
Shocked then? No. Given? not even. Disappointed? Hardly. Jaded? Rather yes, again.
Let us not deceive ourselves, infidelity has always existed, it is not a novelty. But with the advent of the Internet, the multiplication of anonymous means of communication, the possibility of meeting someone in an ephemeral and hidden way is greatly facilitated. And let’s not talk about sites specialized in adultery that offer meetings discreetly reserved exclusively for married people or couples, or those who sell a concrete alibi to allow you to treat yourself to a five to seven, a night or a weekend with the conquest of the moment, lover or mistress.
Today, it is announced to us as an unimportant detail, some even assume it with aplomb from the outset, in the same way that some only look for one-night stand plans or sexfriends, infidel people announce the color on their situation and their desire for an extra-marital relationship. As if it were normal, that it was absolutely not taboo.
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So faced with this reality, we can ask ourselves several questions.
1- Are men more unfaithful than women?
Is it a shortcut, a truth, an obvious fact? The fact remains that it has long since entered into the mores that men would be more unfaithful than women. They would be more inclined to crack, to go elsewhere, whether for an evening or for a double life. They are defined as more dredgers, thieves, runners, focused on sex. Can we quantify this reality?
However, the stories of lover when the husband is on the move are not just urban legends either. While it is true that the famous “stroke of the canif in the contract” is often associated with the male gender, men do not have a monopoly on adultery. As far as the double life is concerned, the difference may lie essentially in the fact that women are more inclined to make a decision quickly, to leave their spouse for their lover, where men are more reluctant to leave their wives, their comfort of life, often taking as an excuse their children, not wanting to lose their safe family life. (infidelity)
Is the difference in the way of making mistakes, and in a form of male cowardice, where women would be more passionate, and perhaps more decisive in their choice?
If we listen to what is happening around us now, men and women, in couples, in common-law unions, pacsés, married, with or without children, together recently sometimes or for years, there are examples on both sides. So if it is true that both women and men deceive their partners; is it for the same reasons?
2- Why are we unfaithful?
When we talk about adultery, the major reason cited is carnal pleasure or rather the absence of intimate relationships in the couple. Over time, many couples talk about wear and tear, routine, this famous love of everyday life that apparently has a direct impact on the intimate life of the couple. The couple’s first victim when he goes badly is often his intimate life. For lack of time, desire, desire? On one or the other, or on the part of both?
The sexual drive is often what guides infidelity, the need for seduction, physical desire. We deceive our spouse because we are no longer satisfied and fulfilled in our life as a couple, we feel a physical but also sometimes emotional lack, a need for tenderness. We need to feel looked at again, desired, to seduce and be seduced, to please.
It is said that men seek to fill mainly the physical gap and women the emotional gap. In both cases, infidelity goes through the same stages of seduction and physical attraction. We read a lot of testimonies where we talk about this wear and tear of desire, about these couples who are no longer fulfilled together. When the desire is extinguished, what to do? It is very strange to note that this subject often remains taboo within the couple, that we do not dare to tell the other that we are going through a phase of emptiness, that we must rekindle the flame. Why not say honestly what we miss, what we feel? Why not try to understand how we got here? For fear of hurting the other, of turning him or for fear of never seeing the desire wake up again?
We must not lie, after several years, there may be moments when desire fades, when we let ourselves be caught up in everyday life. Work, home, children, fatigue, small and big worries. But we must not forget that in the same way as love, the desire of the other is a vital element to keep one’s fulfilled couple.
For lack, frustration, boredom, need to reassure oneself or let oneself go to the game of temptation, many seem to want to taste the forbidden fruit, to feel the great thrill of the forbidden. We crack and we go to the other side, with those who have been at work. Has this become inevitable today?
3- Are there degrees in infidelity?
Where does infidelity begin? To the virtual, to the first innuendo, to the first message? At first glance, at first smile? To think about it, to intend to take the plunge, is it already to be unfaithful? Or should we wait for the first kiss, the first physical contact to consider that we have deceived the other, the one who shares our life?
Does the ease of meeting today promote adultery or is it just more visible, easier? Has this highlighted a timeless reality or is infidelity a real fashion phenomenon, parallel to this overconsumption of sex for sex?
Being virtually unfaithful, being unfaithful one night, or leading a double life. These are the different ways to deceive the other, the degrees of involvement in the game of temptation. Seen in this way, it seems obvious that there is a difference between dredging on a site or social networks and having a lover or mistress on a regular basis to the point of creating a parallel life and making lying an art of living. But, although the gravity of the act seems to be increasing according to the examples cited above, are the motivation and intention not the same?
So if some, it is true, are content to dredge virtually, to exchange messages and photos without taking action, only fantasizing about a parallel relationship, others pass the course of simple temptation. Can we quantify the seriousness of adultery according to the importance of the fault committed, in the nature of the exchange, in its duration?
Each couple knows its limits, defines together the barriers not to be crossed. For some, a simple exchange of messages is intolerable and sounds the death knell of the couple. For others, things are more nuanced. In all cases, whatever the nature of the deception, its intensity, its regularity, its duration, if it is discovered or confessed, then the question arises of the reaction of the other.
4- Deceived, can we forget, forgive, trust again? (infidelity)
In case of adultery, there are not fifty cases of figures; either the fault is hidden and never discovered, or it is learned without the knowledge of the one who has made the mistake, or it is confessed.
So should we admit adultery? If we consider that it was only an unimportant meeting, a one-night stand, should we tell the one who shares his or her life? Some will say that yes, that sincerity is the cement of the couple, that lies gnaw, that everything ends up being known. Others will say that it is useless to unnecessarily hurt the person you love and take the risk of losing them for an unimportant, ephemeral, sometimes virtual thing, for a slight flirtation or a one-night stand.
What if the confession is made or the extramarital relationship discovered? This time, if we place ourselves on the side of the one who has been deceived, is it possible to forget, to forgive and to consider re-trusting the person we love? Does deception call into question the entire existence of the couple? How then to manage mistrust, doubts, jealousy?
Can dialogue to try to explain the reasons for adultery save the couple, when there is no question of double life, disamour, willingness to separate?
As always when it comes to human relationships, emotions, feelings, there is obviously no perfect answer, no turnkey solution. Each couple has its history, its tolerance threshold, its mode of operation. And it is according to all this that if, unfortunately adultery is invited in your couple, you will know how to manage this ordeal. If you want or can forgive, if it is impossible, if your couple is in crisis or not, if confidence can return, if love is still there. You can choose to talk about it together or get help.
Whatever you decide, the main thing is not to let yourself be gnawed by all this and not to accept to endure a situation that can destroy you slowly. Many couples stay together after adultery, manage to forgive, to give a second wind to their love story. And on the other hand, others cannot imagine staying together once this barrier has been crossed, because they know that trust is broken once and for all and that it will be impossible to believe in it again. To each his own story, really.
So is adultery today inevitable? Almost a normality?
It is true that everything we can read, see, even live can make us think that it becomes a little too trivialized, too present, that it is almost an inevitable passage for many couples.
Has fidelity in the couple become a utopia? Has it always been?
Should we end up wondering if it is possible, or even normal, to love without being faithful? Or can we still hope that love and fidelity are compatible?
Finally, in response to the introductory message of this text:
« I have never considered that being married or in a couple is only a detail and I do not want to feed these kinds of clichés. It’s not even a question of whether I deserve better or not, just of what is good for me. And it’s surely not you. So no I do not run away, but I leave without turning around and without regrets! “.