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Have you ever left someone talking to themselves? Ghosting is sometimes a necessary evil
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There are certain rules on social media that everyone knows: ignoring a conversation is rude and responding with a simple “thumbs up” is aggressive and impolite.
But what about the rest? When is it acceptable to collect an old debt from an online friend? What to do when someone flirts with you on LinkedIn?
Luckily, writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to help with your digital questions, big or small. This time, they address the eternal question of ghosting and discuss in what situations this might be acceptable – if any.
Delia Cai – Recently, I gave some advice about the idea – or rather, the unrealistic expectation – that we should always be available to everyone. I believe that not everyone deserves an answer. Ignoring or failing to respond to someone is not only acceptable, it's your right.
The question of ghostingboth in romantic relationships and in other contexts, bothers us because, deep down, it's about understanding what we really owe to the people around us, especially in relationships more ambiguous than “boyfriend” or “best friend”. This is why it generates so many misunderstandings and frustrated expectations.
I could talk for hours about how the word “friend” has become a generic term used for anyone, which only causes even more confusion. Of course, we owe more consideration to a childhood friend than to someone we met at the bar and exchanged Instagram with. But how much more? That depends on the relationship, and only you can say.
There is no universal rule to define who should or should not be ignored. My personal rule, for both relationships and friendships, is simple: “Have I intentionally spent time with this person more than once in the last year?”
Ignoring or failing to respond to someone is not only acceptable, it's your right.
If the answer is yes – whether because we went out more than once, made a point of seeing each other at events, or met again at a college reunion and a wedding – then I consider her more than an acquaintance and feel like she deserves some kind of answer.
Steffi Cao – I agree, in part. In general, I hate ghosting. Why not just say “look, I don’t feel like going out right now because I need to focus on other things”? It's true that no one is obligated to spend their time with others, but it's important to establish and communicate your own boundaries firmly and lovingly.
Still, there are nuances. I don't think all situations require this type of behavior. If someone I barely know sends me multiple DMs or comments on all my stories, I don't see that as the start of a conversation – it's just engagement.
Some platforms, like Instagram and Twitter, are focused on content rather than conversations. So, the ghosting ends up being justifiable. Often, not responding is the best option. And, frankly, sometimes it's even better.
Delia is right that this causes stress. It's weird to ignore someone. In addition to the guilt, it feels like you're disappearing off the map just because a friend suggested getting coffee. It's often difficult to know when and how we should say how we feel and whether we really need to.
That said, there are situations where the ghosting it is necessary – whether due to the moment, mental state or emotional journey we are going through. My other tip is to remember that we are just a pixel on someone's internet.
Is your college roommate really going to be in tears because you didn't want to have a beer with him? Or that ex-colleague from three jobs ago is going to have a crisis because you didn't respond to the fire emoji he sent to yours. story?
There is no universal rule to define who should or should not be ignored.
We are all just a little pixel on someone else's internet. It's hard, but remembering it can be liberating. The important thing is to understand when you are ignoring someone because you think it is the best thing to do and when you are doing it because you don't know how to express what you really want to say.
For me, the ghosting It is always painful, both for those who do it and for those who receive it. I prefer to be honest. I like people to know where I'm at emotionally. I don't mind facing the consequences. But I'm the type who prefers to be seen as rude rather than ignored. I respect anyone who uses ghostingto a certain extent. But it's not something I would do.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Steffi Cao writes about digital culture for publications such as Forbes, The Washington Post and Teen Vogue. Delia Cai is the author of the newsletter… find out more
Have you ever left someone talking to themselves? Ghosting is sometimes a necessary evil
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Have you ever left someone talking to themselves? Ghosting is sometimes a necessary evil