I don’t know if I really like it
I received an email from a reader, Mathilde, who has big doubts about her romantic feelings towards her boyfriend and no longer knows if she really likes him. This is one of the questions that most often comes down to: I don’t know if I really like him or how do I know if I still like him? Doubts that often poison life. Today, I am therefore responding to Mathilde in the hope of enlightening her on her current situation.
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I don’t know if I really like it: What should I do?
Good evening Léa,
I am writing to you because I have read your site and I have the impression that you are very good advice. It’s been a year that I’ve been with my boyfriend, he is adorable, very attentive, he constantly proves his love to me… I have no complaints except, perhaps, that it is a little too “sticky”. I suffered a lot from my old relationships,between deception,insults. I took a long time to recover and there I feel like I have found a person that all girls would dream of but I do not know why I am completely lost, I doubt my feelings. I don’t know if I really want to be with him, I feel like there’s something missing from this relationship. I do not know how to explain it. In my eyes this is the man I was hoping for but it lacks the little trick.
Also, for two weeks from Monday to Saturday we live together with his parents because I now work near his house and we plan to take an apartment together. I don’t know if it’s the fact of engaging seriously with him that scares me.
I know that every love is different but I don’t feel like I’m so generous, caring, motivated to please her… which I could do without problem with my old friends.
What must I do? I don’t know if you can help me.. but I will gladly listen to your advice. Thank you in advance.
How do you know if you really like it?
I will come back to several points in your email.
1/ What makes you vibrate
First of all you say that you think your boyfriend is great, that there is nothing to complain about except that he is a little too sticky with you. Right after, you inform me that you have suffered a lot in your previous relationships in which you have suffered infidelities and insults. I make the link directly because it is a possibility; it may be that despite you and totally unconsciously you are more attracted to the “bad boys”, the men likely to harm you. Depending on our personality, we will look for certain types of partners. You can also read my article on what our taste for man reveals about our personality.
I don’t know you but I’m willing to bet you’re a sensitive young woman. Insecure about yourself, you are looking for protection. You also like the challenge,and look for a man with whom you will never have the feeling of being bored.
Here, in this first point, I already raise a hypothesis: Even if it seems “perfect” to you and that “all girls would like a man like him”, is he perfect for you?
2/ It lacks the little thing
If the little thing is already missing after a year, unfortunately, it is not likely to happen in a magical way. Indeed, the beginnings of a relationship are, in 99% of cases, the most passionate and fusional, the most heartbreaking too, to some extent. I invite you to read my article on the steps of a couple. We have the passion, the opposition phase and then the independence phase. In terms of date, you should be more or less in the passionate phase. Now, from what you describe to me, it is not so and, even worse, you miss it! If, to feel alive, happy and fulfilled, you need magic, madness, even if it means suffering, your current relationship will hardly bring you the happiness to which you aspire.
3/ The fear of commitment
You tell me that you plan to live together: Is it since that moment that you doubt your feelings or was it before? Because if this doubt is very recent, maybe it actually comes from this fear of commitment which is, if it is the first time that you move in with someone, quite normal. Anyway, both read this article about when to live together, because this may not be the right time to rush things. Also, the fact that you live with his parents should not improve things because it can be infantilizing even if you are independent.
Give yourself some time. Explain that you need to take a step back. Get away just a few days and see for yourself if you really miss him or if it’s more the habit that makes you want to be with him. You can help yourself with this article that differentiates love from habit. In any case, a step back is necessary so that you make the right choice, that of the heart AND of reason. I don’t know how old you are, but if you’re in your twenties, maybe this relationship came at the wrong time: at a time in life when you want to feel very strong and intense emotions. And that what your man is currently offering you is too “bland” and serious compared to your current desire.
Finally, I invite you to do this little test that will help you know if you still like it, or more at all…
Hoping to have enlightened you,