I don’t know where I’m at anymore
“I don’t know where I am anymore” Lucie
First of all, I really have to congratulate you on this wonderful blog!
It really has all the information that a woman might need at the relational level.
Well, now let’s get to the point… I don’t know if I still love my boyfriend after 1 year of relationship! I am 21 years old and he is 28 years old. In fact, I know it but I do not want to be wrong and regret it since I have always been in the extremes when an argument arises between us. So to make it short, me and my boyfriend we argue a lot.
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I must say that since the beginning of our relationship we have never spent more than 5 days without confusion! I tried to convince myself that it was a cultural barrier, he who comes from Paris and I from the countryside. But no, we are simply different, we see things in different ways. He is very angry but over time I understood that he was simply hypersensitive, and I am much more passive.
In short, the main problem is that I feel stifled in this relationship, it drains my energy as it is not possible. I know he loves me like crazy, maybe even too much sometimes. I often feel like I stay with him out of pity because despite all his flaws, he is a very good person, he gives me everything he has and everything about him but he is emotionally dependent. He does not like to maintain friendly relations with men, so often if we have a problem he will try to compensate by going to see other women (flirting, sometimes more) but I know that it is to fill the void that I produce at home.
In short, I’m at the point where I’m tired of always justifying myself, and hearing him tell me that it’s me the problem on almost everything, especially since at one point I really started to feel that I was THE problem in our relationship. I told him about a “break” but he does not want to know anything, he tells me that he will not stand, that we must fight for our couple, only it does not tempt me (or more)! It should also be noted that from the first months, it was very fusional, we have never spent more than 4 days without seeing each other, our chicanes settle as quickly as they begin.
But is that really what I want? Now in hindsight, having settled in with my mother (since I told her that I needed space) I realize that I am very good like that, which leads me to wonder if I am really good with him. I love him so much that I don’t want to leave him because he doesn’t deserve to hurt, I see him in his eyes that he loves me with all his soul, and that it would annihilate him so I stay with him, I cry, I sacrifice myself. I don’t really want him anymore so I simulate a lot so that it stops quickly. ( I don’t know where I’m at anymore )
But what if I go and miss the love of my life?
Am I a selfish?
Help me because I doubt and I would need your services for a personalized letter!!
From the outset I really want to tell you that you are anything but selfish and that this relationship seems to make you lose all esteem for yourself. I will try to analyze your message point by point, sincerely hoping that you will find answers.
One year of relationship ( I don’t know where I’m at anymore )
You’ve been together for a year, and in just one year you seem to have gone through your relationship The circle is closed: you went through the passion then very quickly came the phase of opposition with all the disputes that follow and today you come to feel pity for your friend.
And what is pity?
The first synonym for the word “pity” is “compassion.” However, “compassion” comes from the Latin “cum patior” which means “I suffer with” as well as from the greg “sym patheia” which means “sympathy”. Thus, compassion is “a virtue by which an individual is inclined to perceive or feel the suffering of others, and pushed to remedy it.” However, while this term remains positive, this is not the case with the words “pity” or “pity”, which have clearly become depreciative over time. Indeed, the Littré even adds as a definition of the word “pity”: is sometimes said in a sense where it enters some contempt.
I do not make this little reminder to spread the jam but to make you aware of the current state of your couple and especially of your feelings. We feel compassion for the person we love when they are sick, when they are going through a difficult time at work, when they have lost a loved one. In these situations, the word “compassion” takes on its full meaning: we see our half suffering and we suffer with it. On the other hand, feeling pity in the sense that one is afraid that the other will feel pain if one leaves him is simply called pity.
« I love him so much that I don’t want to leave him because he doesn’t deserve to hurt.” You don’t like it/no longer and this feeling of pity reminds you of it once again. Again, you confuse love with pity. You have affection for this man because you shared a year of his life, that you loved him, sincerely. But today your relationship destroys you and instead of considering your own suffering, you continue to suffer for and through it.
You’re not selfish ( I don’t know where I’m at anymore )
What I just wrote above proves that you are not selfish. If you were, you would, from the beginning, have thought only of yourself. But you only think of him, so much so that you almost forget your own feelings and you rot your life for him, not even for your couple but for him.
You talk about your arguments, the fact that he goes elsewhere, that he denigrates you and despite that, you feel guilty? Maybe I’m wrong because in the end, you gave me little information but when I read this, I can’t help but think about the “narcissistic pervert” syndrome, so I advise you to read this article on :
In short, a narcissistic pervert is a person who puts his/her partner on a pedestal at the beginning of the relationship and who, subsequently, will use his/her flaws and weaknesses to belittling and manipulating her. Your story reminds me of this because instead of seeing all its flaws and abnormal behaviors, you devalue yourself, as if it were you who was at fault. In addition, he keeps telling you that you are “THE” problem when everything suggests that it is the other way around. And, if he sees you as the problem, he shouldn’t have too much trouble accepting the breakup.
You will have to refocus a little on your desires if you want to find a fulfilling life. As you say, you feel suffocated and this relationship drains your energy, you can’t go on like this.
He may love you but…
You say that he loves you like crazy, you even emit the fact that he loves you “too much”. Just because he’s hypersensitive and impulsive doesn’t mean he loves you. Just because you see him crying, because he tells you all the time, or because he’s unhappy at every argument doesn’t mean he loves you. We all have our own ways of reacting to certain situations. If during an argument you see him crying hot tears and you remain impassive, it does not mean that he loves you more than you, nor that he is more unhappy. You can be as sad as he is but not express it in the same way.
“He doesn’t like to have friendly relationships with men, so often if we have a problem he will try to compensate by going to see other women (flirting, sometimes more) but I know that it is to fill the void that I produce at home.” And he, what would he say if you went elsewhere as soon as it didn’t fit between you? Do you think it’s normal as a behavior? I find it hard to see what proof of love he is throwing at you by doing so. Arguments are in no way a pretext to flirt with another. He has no friends? So what? Maybe he could have friends without going any further with right?
Your reaction to this behavior says a lot about your feelings. It doesn’t seem to bother you more than that that he goes to flirt with others, worse, you find him an excuse “it’s to fill the life that I produce at home”. You don’t produce any emptiness, this man is very emotional and also looks a little lost. You’re not guilty of anything in there.
« I don’t really want him anymore so I simulate a lot so that it stops quickly.” Here is one more element that proves that nothing is going right in your relationship anymore. Sexuality (except for platonic relationships), is the cement of the couple. According to a survey by Psychology, 86% of those interviewed consider sexuality to be central and indispensable.
n addition the greatest psychologists and sexologists say, there are three main reasons for sentimental rupture:
1) Availability/unavailability of both
2) The divergence of values
3) Incompatibility/Misapperal Sexual Understanding
For a long time, sexuality remained not only a taboo subject but also a secondary subject for the couple. We were content with what we had. Roughly speaking, the woman had to submit to her duty and allow the man to reproduce. Today, mores have changed (fortunately!!!). People now place a great deal of attention on sexuality in their lives. There are no sexual norms. The goal is to find THE ideal partner with whom we will get along in bed. About this subject, the sexologist JM Fitremann explains: “Some partners will agree on the importance given to caresses, others to penetration, or to the realization of fantasies… Sexual agreement is achieved when reciprocal needs are met”
It would still be a shame, in this day and age, to spend a lifetime with someone who does not suit us in bed.
First of all, you must absolutely make yourself feel guilty! You have nothing to do with it. We don’t choose to love or no longer love. Today, even if you are still a little attached to him, you no longer love him, the only sincere feeling you have towards him is pity. Beyond all this, he seems to be harmful to you: he belittles you, makes you pass for the executioner guilty of his evil, goes to flirt with others, tells you that you are the problem of your relationship… In short, he is not a positive person.
From an external point of view, I would tell you that the break (he does not want it anyway) is not a good solution because a break allows you to know where you are. And, finally, even if it’s unconscious, you know for a fact where you are in your couple: nowhere. You are no longer in love because your couple has tired and worn you out. You’ve only been together for a year, imagine if you stay with him all your life?
You are 21 years old, you have all your life in front of you, do not stay with a man who does not suit you. I think the break is really inevitable. Maybe you’ll take some time to do it but you will.
In the end, who suffers the most in a breakup? Often both!
“I stayed three years with my first love (from 15 to 18 years old). We were two pictures on legs and we loved it. Kissing in a fountain, making love in a field, in the rain, going down the steps of the Sacred Heart . In short, two pictures on legs I said. And we loved each other. Finally, I was convinced that I loved him. I realized afterwards, with a lot of hindsight that finally, it was not him that I loved, but Love. I ended up leaving it for reasons X and Y and in particular the fact that… I didn’t like him anymore. For six months he wrote me one letter a day, harassed my mother and me by phone (and even my father, my sister, my friends…).
He was extremely unhappy. His mother called me, explained to me that he saw a psy. that he missed his studies because of me. In short, not only was I devastated to see him so sad, so destroyed, when he had not deserved it, and in addition I felt guilty for his future. All this to tell you that the other suffers as much or as much in this kind of situation (unless the guy / girl is a big idiot and in this case, you have lost nothing!).
A break is very difficult to bear, but the decision is also very difficult to make. Both partners need a great deal of courage to face this stage. But life offers us so many opportunities… over time, we open up, we relearn, we stop surviving to live normally again. »
The choice of rupture is an extremely difficult choice to make, especially when we know that the other will react very, very badly. And as I explain just above, when I made the decision to break with my youthful love, I knew what to expect. And, for three months I stayed with him when I no longer loved him, but I was so afraid of his reaction and I had so much pity for him, that I did not dare to act. And then I realized that I was ruining my life for a man I was no longer in love with. The breakup was brutal and difficult but it was beneficial: I knew that it was not the love of my life even if I had loved it very much (as we like it at 17 years old )
Sometimes you have to know how to listen to yourself, even if it is difficult. You can also do the famous technique of the table “+” and “-“. You put everything your boyfriend brings you in the “+” column and everything you don’t like in the “-” column. The result will speak for itself normally.
To conclude, I would like to quote you an excerpt from an extraordinary book: “Fragments of a love speech” by Roland Barthes.
“You love Charlottes: either you have some hope, and then you act, or you have none, and then you give up. This is the discourse of the “healthy”subject: either, or. But the love subject responds (this is what Werther does): I try to slip between the two members of the alternative: that is to say: I have no hope, but still… Or again: I stubbornly choose not to choose, I choose drift: I continue“.
What if you became a “healthy subject” again and avoided drift?
I sincerely hope I have enlightened you on some points. I wish you all the courage and hope that you will make the right decision for your personal development!