I May Never Be a Father
In couples we often talk about motherhood, the desire to be a mother, pregnancy and the mother-child bond. We talk more and more about the role of the father but we talk much less often about the desire for fatherhood of a man. Having a child is the envy of many couples who love each other and live together. This is the stage from couple life to family life.
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There is nothing more natural for a woman since she carries the child in her womb, but a man lives his wife’s pregnancy by proxy. Unfortunately, sometimes things do not go as planned and this family project becomes a long and painful ordeal. Some couples do not have the chance to live a pregnancy and the arrival of a child in a natural and serene way. For some couples, having a child is a real obstacle course. Here is a rare and upsetting testimony from a man about this: I may never be a father.
Testimony of a man: I may never be a father
“My wife and I have been together for over a decade. We experienced the magic of meeting and the steps inherent in many couples: living together, getting married, buying an apartment. So we have become a couple in all that is most basic and most beautiful at the same time.
So in the logic of things, what was lacking in our happiness was to start our family. This question came to tickle us after a few years. It’s something we both wanted from the beginning so there’s never been a conflict about it.
Like many couples, we lent ourselves to the game of “what if we made a baby?”
Without suspecting for a moment that it was going to become one of the most difficult trials that we would have to live. Without imagining for a moment that our couple was going to have to overcome long trying years.
We experienced, as you would expect, the disappointment of the first few months with the arrival of my wife’s period and the negative pregnancy tests. My wife had been followed by her gynecologist for years, we had a priori no reason to worry. He told us that sometimes it takes patience for “those things.”
So that’s what we did, we were patient but a year has passed and still nothing. (I May Never Be a Father)
From there, we entered an infernal spiral in which my wife’s body became a travelling laboratory. A machine with which it was absolutely necessary to make a baby. We both did tests, we had tests and the diagnosis fell like a knife. On both sides, there was a form of sterility that prevented us from having a child in a natural way. We have therefore entered into the logic of PMA (medically assisted procreation).
We had to try to give Mother Nature a boost since of our love struggles no small seed wanted to grow naturally to become our child.
Bites, treatments… Everything to make a baby
My wife underwent the vagaries of bites, hormonal treatments to facilitate her ovulation and allow us to have a baby. For my part, I also experienced this almost supernatural experience of giving my seed to extract the best in order to make a baby for my wife.
We did everything we needed to do but it didn’t work. My wife suffered several miscarriages over the next few years. After yet another try, failure too much, she said stop. His body could no longer do so and his psychological state was greatly weakened.
She didn’t want to try again. Who was I to force him to continue? (I May Never Be a Father)
I understood her distress and exhaustion, I could only agree with her. But by the time we made that decision, that of no longer trying to get help to have a child, I knew that I was giving up the possibility of being a father one day.
I don’t blame my wife. If there is a responsibility to bear, I believe that in this case we cannot target anyone. We resent the whole Earth, we evoke bad luck, fate, and more cruelly life.
We try not to become embittered and envious in front of friends in couples who have children, the bellies of women who round off and babies who grow up.
It’s a painful ordeal, it’s like grieving when you haven’t lost anyone, but you have to say goodbye to someone you haven’t been able to meet.
After a few months, once my wife had recovered a little, her body rested, her mind a little lighter, she asked me if I agreed to try the adventure of adoption. We had to write off our desire to be a parent in a natural way unless one day nature decided otherwise. But we still had the opportunity to become the parents of a child who had no more orphans, or who had been abandoned.
Deep down I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not the same and I’ll always feel a little bit amputated of a part of myself and orphaned of my real role as a father.
But this chance to still be maybe dad, I didn’t want to let it pass or deny it to my wife who has this dream of being a mom for so long. So we took steps again, this time administrative. Psychological and medical also since we pass tests and interviews, that we must provide proof of our good lifestyle and health but also of our material situation and couple.
The strength of our couple, our balance of life as evidence that we are worthy to welcome a child and to be parents.
It is a complicated step because we necessarily feel judged, and our desire to be parents is subject to the goodwill of strangers who have our destiny in hand. Nature has deprived us of our free will given to most human beings to be able to have a child. And on top of that, we had to wait for the decision on our ability to be potential future good parents.
This real obstacle course takes months and months.
Today, we have had our accreditation, which means that we are parents in the making. Only the wait is still there, it continues to condition our lives. And it can go on for years.
We have to deal with it, we know that one day we will receive this famous call that will tell us that a child is waiting for us somewhere. Only we do not know when. And in the meantime, I always have this little phrase that resonates in my head and tells me that maybe I might never be a father.
I do not lose hope of becoming this adoptive dad and I hope with all my heart that I will be worthy of it. But I can’t stop the dad I wanted to be from crying this baby, this part of me that will never exist. »
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