Infidelity: Here’s why love betrayal hurts so much

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Infidelity: Here’s why love betrayal hurts so much

An infidelity, an adultery, always causes a huge explosion within the couple. However, only a few decades ago, it was much more tolerated (especially from the male point of view). Why does love betrayal hurt so much? And why are there so many? Is man really made to be monogamous?

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Infidelity: Here’s why love betrayal hurts so much

For this article, I will greatly rely and quote many passages from the book that I recommend to you 300%: I love you I’m wrong with Esther Perel! Finally a truly complete book on the taboo subject of infidelity and which proves that adultery is much more complex than it seems!

Infidelity and Love: Differences Between Love Before and Now

Before VS now (Page 60):

« When Maria stumbled upon a word of love in the pocket of her husband Kenneth’s uniform, she threw it away and never told him about it. It was then 1964.

• What else could I have done? Where would I have gone? Who would have wanted a woman with four children?

She just confided in her mother, who approved her.

• Your children are young. The marriage lasts a long time. Don’t let your pride take away everything you have.

And then, they assumed, infidelity was simply in the nature of men.

Now let’s make a good one until 1984. It is now the turn of Maria’s eldest daughter, Sylvia, to be confronted with the adultery of her husband, Clark. Several debits marked Interflora on the account statement of his American Express card caught his attention, as no bouquet of flowers were delivered to his office. Put in confidence, her mother was compassionate, but she was also delighted that her daughter was not condemned to the same fate as her.

• Men do not change. But you have no children and you work. Pack your suitcase and leave it.« 

The time before: (Infidelity: Here’s why love betrayal hurts so much)

The conception of yesterday’s wedding and today’s has little to do with it. “Before, marriage was first and foremost a strategic union between two families to ensure their economic survival and promote social cohesion. (…) It is worth remembering that, until very recently, marital fidelity and monogamy had nothing to do with love, but rather with patriarchy, which imposed them on women in order to preserve family heritage and lineage – the idea being to know “which children are mine and who will inherit the cows” when I die. »

The virginity of a young girl on her wedding day, and then her fidelity, were paramount to protect the pride of a man’s lineage. On the women’s side, venturing out of the marital bed was very dangerous. They risked becoming pregnant, publicly humiliated, and even dying. (p.63)

It was romanticism that changed everything:

“I love you. Let’s get married. Throughout history, these two phrases have almost never been combined. It was romanticism that changed everything. Gradually, marriage ceased to be an economic enterprise to become a form of companionship, a commitment, concluded between two people free of their choice and based on love and affection rather than on duties and obligations. (P.64)

Before, to be perfectly satisfied, you had to look elsewhere for what you could not find at home

« The little ring of marriage contains ideals that are contradictory, to say the least. The chosen one of our hearts must bring us stability, security, predictability and reliability – all things that are anchors for us – but also impress us and infuse an element of mystery, adventure and risk into our lives. In short, we want comfort and a little turbulence. Familiarity and novelty. Continuity and surprise. Today’s lovers thus tend to gather under the same roof desires that have always been satisfied in different places.” (P.70).

Infidelity: Here’s why love betrayal hurts so much

Simone de Beauvoir wrote in La femme rompue: “I thought I knew who I was, who he was: and suddenly, I no longer recognize us, neither he nor me. (…) My life behind me has completely collapsed, as in those earthquakes where the ground devours itself; it engulfs itself in your back as you flee. There is no return. »

Infidelity hurts and all the more so today

In the age of new technologies, when we are deceived, we often have a lot of elements that we would have done well: Hot photos on a phone, naughty messages on Facebook . Entire discussions can be read and ruin us forever.

More than the loss of a love, infidelity corresponds to the loss of self. The feeling of having lost part of one’s life, of having wasted so many years also makes its appearance and upsets the morale. We could say to ourselves that we lived a happy life, that we do not regret anything, that it is an accident of course … Unfortunately, not everyone can react in this way. Because love betrayal makes one’s own story question: what if nothing we experienced was true? Has he ever loved me? Is this the first time he has betrayed me…?

And yet, some couples have managed to forgive infidelity, to overcome adultery! Everything depends on the will of each one and also on the personality of both partners. Some may ignore and forgive a heavy betrayal in love, while others will prefer to break up for a stolen kiss.

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