My ex is distant and I don’t know how to respond to this
This article is primarily intended for women who often write to me that their ex has become distant. So if you are a woman then this article is definitely for you. But even if you are still in a relationship and the love between you and your partner is getting less and less.
This is usually the case with relationships between a man and a woman. In the beginning there is a great falling in love and there is usually no problem. There are also virtually no quarrels at the beginning of a relationship, because everything seems too good to be true.
But unfortunately, over time (usually the infatuation period lasts 2 years) it may be that because everything changes, the behavior of your ex or your partner also changes. You notice that at some point your partner has started to distance himself more and more, while you wonder why. By now your partner may already be your ex, and you are losing more and more self-confidence because of his detached behavior.
This situation is so recognizable, and unfortunately it is very common. This morning I received an email from a visitor to my blog. She wrote “Michelle my ex has become distant. How is it possible that we were first so deeply in love and now suddenly no longer? ”
She had met a man who would do anything for her and over time he grew more and more distant. In the end he broke up. She didn’t understand. Certainly because in the beginning he did everything he could to conquer her heart. He often arranged nice dates and they had romantic outings. They had a great time together and she felt overjoyed. But now she writes to me that her current ex has started to respond less and less to her messages for a few weeks, that he no longer made as many proposals for dates as he used to be. At one point he thumped her.
She now feels that her world is collapsing, but above all she is torn apart by unanswered questions
She said “My ex is distant when it wasn’t before. What is the reason for this? ”
What I can tell you in any case is that there is not one standard perfect explanation for every situation, yet I see that the same pattern seems to repeat itself over and over again, namely that within a relationship the dominant figure is on one side and on the other hand the somewhat more submissive partner, the one who allows himself to be dominated (often that is indeed the woman). If you are a type who has let yourself be dominated, this is often an expression of lack of self-confidence. You may be afraid of losing control of the situation.
I’ve read several books on men’s behavior and most women know that they get tremendously triggered when they see a challenge, and even more so when that challenge seems unattainable.
In any case, I can tell you that such behavior usually comes when you have shown too much that you have come to regard your husband or boyfriend as acquired. You have undoubtedly become too easy prey. You no longer offer any challenge for him.
Now you may say “ho but wait a minute, if you have a good relationship then it is nice to tell each other that you love each other? that you feel like doing things together, having sex with each other, and being nice to each other? I don’t feel like pretending to be ‘unreachable’. Moreover, that doesn’t even suit me as a person ”. The problem is that you don’t have a choice, because if you continue like this you will lose your ex partner for good, but if you dare to take a small step back, what do you think will happen?
You then bring the two force fields that were out of balance back into balance.
What other reasons are there why my ex or partner has suddenly become so distant?
Several explanations can be given why (ex) partners suddenly stop ‘socializing’ or give attention, or send fewer messages and come up with fewer nice proposals. Here are some explanations that I usually come across:
Reason 1: he has problems
Men usually find it difficult to express their emotions. They are afraid of being misunderstood. Even with their friends, they find it difficult to share what they really care about. Because let’s be honest: which man doesn’t feel silly when he shows that he has problems? Women, on the other hand, are very different. It is much easier for them to share their feelings and misery with those around them.
Men also often need to take a little more distance when they have a problem. In prehistoric times, men withdrew to camp in a quiet environment for a few days. They chose a quiet place to think about how they could be a better hunter, because of course everything revolved around ‘survival’. Originally, a man would like to be seen as a hero. As soon as a man doesn’t feel useful or strong enough, he withdraws. That does not necessarily mean that you are no good, but it could be purely due to him.
Reason 2: he finds you less attractive than before
Check yourself honestly and ask yourself these questions: Am I still as attractive to him as I was at the beginning? Do I spend enough time and attention on my clothing and appearance? And how important do I still find that?
It may be that you have neglected yourself a bit in recent times without even thinking about it. and not only the outside is important, but also your inside. Most men still fall for feminine beauty. At least that’s the first thing that attracts attention. Some time later, the man also discovers inner qualities in the woman, and of course her shortcomings. After all, we all have them and that is not bad at all. However, it may be that the man discovers that he has made a serious mistake about you because now it turns out that you easily resign yourself to a rut that has occurred. That you would rather spend hours in front of the TV with a bag of chips, than that you pay him attention and occasionally make it cozy in both the house and the bedroom.
Reason 3: the stretch is gone
I’m sure that when you were just in love, you wanted to be together all the time. So now you panic because your (ex) partner has become more distant. Apparently the fact that you were together all the time, doing everything together has been enough for now and it is time for a change. By that I mean that it is time you put some more tension in your relationship (you can read how to do this later in this article).
When a certain routine has occurred because you have been sitting on each other’s lips too much, you better start focusing more on yourself now, for example by doing more yourself. Organize a nice trip with a friend somewhere (yes, a whole weekend can not hurt), or even better: go on holiday with your girlfriend. In this way you also create a situation where your ex or your partner can miss you .
My ex is distant, cold and cold. Well this is what you have to do
It is important that you quickly see what is wrong when your ex or your partner becomes distant. Avoid falling into a victim role and get started with these tips, so that you may still be able to save your relationship:
Tip 1: regain the balance
I am not saying that you should be above your ex or partner, on the contrary, I am talking about being in balance, but when you see that your investments in him and all the efforts you have made to win him back are not working , why would you continue with it? A man just wants thrills, most men don’t want crushing declarations of love, a man feels useful when he can fight for his relationship, loves when he has to think about which after shave he can best use today to be attractive. to be. So at least stop sending messages, and try not to gag, because then you create even more distance with your ex.
Tip 2: don’t argue and be careful with destructive criticism
So do not ask “what are you acting so detached” because then he immediately feels guilty and thinks that you expect an explanation, which he cannot give by the way.
If a man no longer pays attention to you during the relationship, and is casual in his way of dressing, then the time has come for you to take action by taking a big step back. So spend less time with him. Yes, even if you don’t feel like doing this you will have to do it anyway. That’s the way it works with men.
Tip 3: work on your self-confidence
You do not dare to take a step back because you are ‘afraid’ that he will move away from you even more? You may also be afraid that he is cheating because he suddenly takes more distance? I can assure you that often is not the case. When men cheat, they often feel guilty and don’t know what to do with the situation. Fear is all about a lack of self-confidence. Pay close attention to your speech, your non-verbal behavior. Ask friends / girlfriends for feedback whether it is true that you radiate insecurity. Find out for yourself why that could be, but don’t let his detached behavior fool you!
Tip 4: work on your personal development
This has some common ground with the previous point about self-confidence. But working on your personal and mental development is crucial for the success of a healthy and lasting relationship. If you work on yourself, you will see that you automatically gain more self-confidence.
Tip 5: Low libido? have an open conversation
I often hear women say: “men can only think of 1 thing” and they close as soon as they notice that their husband wants sex. However, know that it is not so. Men can be emotional, just like women. We can indeed long for the same things that a woman longs for. In any case, it is a fact that men bond better with a woman who is nice to see, nice in character and does not hesitate to share her sexual fantasies with her partner. Don’t be afraid to have an open conversation about this, and don’t hesitate to tease or arrange surprises. What you can also do is let him guide you in bed and stimulate his senses by telling him what he can do to you. Men love that, and they’ll be crazy to let you go.
Tip 6: be feminine and give him what he expects from a woman
Impressing a man doesn’t have to be that complicated at all. The point is that you give what a man expects of you when you are a woman. In a man’s eyes, a woman should just be sweet, gentle, kind and beautiful. What else can you do to get the most feminine out of yourself?
Exactly! Make sure your skin feels as soft as a peach, that you have removed your armpit, leg and pubic hair, that you are wearing exciting lingerie, and that you smell good (yes, even from your mouth!). What man wouldn’t shy away from it when he notices you’ve been wearing the same panties for 6 years and smells out of your mouth (and he looks like he just opened a can of rotten mice).
And of course you also make sure that you have a nice scent, without exaggerating of course.
Tip 7: use everything to strengthen his self-confidence and caress his ego
When I hear a woman say “my partner has become distant lately” I often ask “when was the last time you two had an incredible laugh with each other, mainly laughing at HIS jokes? and further “when was the last time you told him what he is good at”?
Know that constructive compliments work incredibly well for men. Again, they want to be seen as a hero and your protector. If you don’t give that, they will be on the run in no time.
Tip 8: stop whining
Do you really want to save your relationship? then stop whining. Men quickly think that a woman is whining, so make sure you understand whining exactly the same as your partner. Men often experience ‘nagging’ differently than women experience it.
If after an argument you already start with “hey, we need to talk, because I think….” then he is more likely to think “can I pack my bags now or in an hour…” than that he thinks “yes great, let’s do that”. That’s because men can’t bear to hear something that he can’t think of a 1-2-3 solution for. If you want a conversation with your partner or ex, always talk from your own feelings “I notice that when I say this that you find it annoying. Can you help me or give me tips on how I can do this differently so that I don’t have to worry about ……? ”. That sounds much, much better anyway
Tip 9: grant him his wish to withdraw
As soon as you notice that your partner or ex is getting distant, let him cook in his soapy water for a while and give him space to come to himself. As I just said: a man can think better on his own and thus also come to better insights. Perhaps the insight that he really likes you and that he would be crazy to let you go.
Tip 10: “go with the flow”
Your relationship has apparently changed. The reason your ex has become distant could be related to those changes. You have changed and so has he. Make sure you know what unpleasantness he finds in your behavior. Note: behavior and who you are as a person must be separated from each other. So when he says “I find it so annoying that you always whine that I don’t leave the sink clean” rather thank him for sharing that with you. Do not immediately take such criticisms on yourself!
Also accept that feelings change and that does not have to be immediately negative. As mentioned before, falling in love ends. Of course you would like to see those feelings again. How can you make him fall in love with you again? you could read this article for that
My ex is distant from previous disappointments
Finally, I would like to point out that the behavior of men often has to do with the experiences she has had in the past. For example, if a man has become disillusioned many times then you cannot expect him to open up to you easily, he will always feel some form of fear. Try to slowly rebuild confidence, because haste is rarely good. Although he is disappointed, there is still hope.
If your ex sees you again, make sure you create the “Wow” effect, that he thinks “Wow” that’s a woman, I don’t recognize her anymore. Actually, that’s the woman I want ”!
So my question: how do you plan to achieve that? By acting sad and being desperate? Certainly not!
Drive him crazy by not being so accessible to him anymore. Stop your declarations of love and hopeless messages and show that you can handle the situation very well.
So now focus on yourself and make sure you look really good in a month or 2, that you are radiant, so that you get that “wow” effect in him when he sees you again. You bet he’ll become less distant if you show that you’re “cool” despite everything that’s happened!
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