Testimony: IVF with choosing the baby's gender

Marie*, a 34-year-old mother of two boys, chose in vitro fertilization (IVF) with gender selection to finally fulfill her dream: the birth of a daughter. With her testimony, she hopes to de-taboo the subject.

Also read: Nausea during pregnancy: more likely to have a girl?

IVF (in vitro fertilization) with gender selection is prohibited for bioethical reasons in the countries of the European Union. It is allowed in other countries around the world, such as Northern Cyprus, Jordan, Israel, the USA and Ukraine. It is based on pre-implantation diagnosis (PGD) which in our countries can in principle only be used for parents who are at risk of transmitting a genetic disease, depending on the sex of the child. Despite this, some families choose to go abroad to make sure that they finally have that long-awaited boy or girl. This is the case of Marie, who tells us about her journey here.

Also read: Everything you need to know about IVF

Also read: How to guess the gender of a baby during pregnancy

Mother and daughter

I am an only child and I have a great relationship with my mother. We are very close and we understand each other at a glance, without having to speak to each other. For me, having a daughter was a natural thing, a continuation of the story. A bit like a Russian doll: my grandmother, my mother, me and… a little girl.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted a daughter. Life has surrounded me with beautiful women: beautiful, courageous, loving, supportive, trustworthy. And men who don’t necessarily fit those descriptions. Daughters still love to go out with their mothers when they’re grown up, and the bond becomes even stronger when they become mothers themselves. Boys grow up and rarely visit their mothers anymore, so to speak.

My husband and I both have great relationships with our mothers. But it’s not the same. I go away for a weekend with my mother and we can sleep in the same hotel room or shower together without feeling embarrassed. We have the same hobbies and activities. My husband doesn’t do any of that with his mother.

My husband's grandmother, who only had sons, gets visitors in a nursing home. But her sons only ask her if she's eaten well or if she's had her newspaper. Never if she's feeling well, what's on her mind, if she has a particular desire… It's really sad, and compared to other women who also have daughters, I think she's missing something.

IVF with choice of gender

The day I got pregnant with my first child, it was a certainty to me that I would have a daughter. Just like my grandmother had my mother and my mother had me.

When my son was born, I loved him, of course, but the desire for a daughter remained. Seven years later, we decided to have a second child, and I did everything I could to increase the chances of having a girl. I went on a special diet to change the pH of my body. It was seven terrible months, during which I had no social life, analyzed ovulations and had sex at carefully calculated moments. For months I swallowed all the indiscreet questions, jokes and even ridicule from people around me: “Don't you know how to make girls? Forget it, it'll be a boy again”, “What if your daughter is a tomboy”, “Wait, do you want a girl? I'll lend you mine, you'll see”…

When I got pregnant, I had a blood test that detects fetal DNA in the mother's blood and thus reveals the baby's gender. The sample was sent to a laboratory abroad and a few days later I got the result: a boy.

We never planned to have more than 2 children. For organizational, financial and professional reasons… But it was also not an option to give up my dream. After a long talk with my husband, we agreed: we would have a daughter through IVF with gender selection.

We were discreet about our approach. Only my gynecologist, my mother and a few close friends knew about it and supported me. My partner was reluctant, partly for ethical reasons, but also because of my health, the budget and the idea of ​​having another child. For information, the average price for IVF with gender selection in Cyprus is 11,000-12,000 euros (around 6,000 thousand euros for IVF and the same amount for embryo freezing, medication, travel, contingencies, etc.). Because he knew how important it was for me, he agreed.

Also read: Menstruating again when you want to get pregnant? 8 tips to deal with it

A long, difficult and expensive journey

I thought IVF would be easy: a week's holiday in the sun, and then I would return with a daughter in the womb. But in reality, a much more difficult journey lay ahead. It was as if I had to prove that I really deserved this little girl. I had to find a gynecologist who would follow me up and prescribe the necessary medications. I was very afraid of being criticized and misunderstood, but I was lucky to find a very humane and open-minded doctor who understood that this was my last chance. Under the pretext of a romantic holiday, we left our children with their grandparents and flew to Cyprus. After the first ovarian stimulation, followed by a puncture, I had 4 healthy embryos. 4 boys. Back to square one.

We left a frozen sperm sample at the clinic so that I could return at a later date without my husband (for logistical and financial reasons). 2 months later I returned to Cyprus for another attempt and again I had 4 boys. But this time also 2 girls. I was supposed to return 2 months later for an embryo implantation, but the Covid health crisis put an end to all our plans. The borders were closed and we were locked down. Many months passed before I could return to Cyprus. I underwent a period of quarantine on site, in the hotel, before I could return to the clinic. I became pregnant but had a miscarriage a few days later. After that I underwent stimulation protocols every month, but my uterine lining never reached the thickness necessary for a successful transfer. I had to cancel my holidays and flights at the last minute each time.

At the 6th stimulation the results were favourable and I could finally leave for Cyprus. During the transfer I saw a small white dot in my uterus on the ultrasound screen. The gynaecologist took my hand and said “she's here”. I closed my eyes and a tear rolled down my cheek. The birth of my daughter is expected in a few weeks, to our great joy and that of her brothers who are waiting impatiently for her. My daughter will know her story and it will not be taboo in our family. As soon as she is born, we will also explain our choice to our families.”