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The decline of desire in the couple

Desire, which conditions physical pleasure, is most of the time closely linked to the good balance of couples. How to maintain desire when you have been in a relationship for years? Does passion necessarily fade over time? Love and desire together for the same person, is it an impossible bet to keep over time? Does desire necessarily wear out with the passing of time, or like the feeling of love, does it maintain itself? Is the decline in desire in the couple something inevitable?


Desire, at the origin of the couple?

Physical attraction is the first thing that manifests itself when we meet someone we like. Through the look, the smile, the voice, the smell, the expressions, the gestures, the other attracts us and we feel desire. It is instinctive, uncontrollable, almost chemical. It is a reaction of the body and the senses that cannot be explained. When this attraction is combined with a more global attraction, with the desire to know the other, when we have the chance to live a kind of alchemy, osmosis between the senses and the heart, feelings are born and complete this attraction of the beginnings. The relationship is built little by little and the couple evolves together over time.


At first, carnal pleasure takes up a lot of space. (The decline of desire in the couple)

One tames one another by discovering the body of the other, by sharing a common desire. Every time we see each other, we kiss, we hug each other, we alternate moments of tenderness and passionWe do not see each other all the time, we do not yet live together, lack stirs up desire, reunions are carnal.

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The place of intimacy in the couple often evolves with the common life.

When we live with the other on a daily basis, that we no longer share only privileged moments but also worries and obligations, a certain routine sets in. The intimate life is often the first to suffer from lack of time, fatigue, stress, possible arguments.

We often reconcile on the pillow as we say but this is not always enough and sometimes the desire diminishes and the couple no longer shares the intimacy of the bodies for a certain period. Is this normal or worrying?

Why does desire wear out over time? Is it a cause of rupture?

It is common to hear couples admit that their desire for the other runs out of steam over time or that there are times when the desire is less present, when the intimate life experiences a hollow period. These are the same reasons that are most often put forward: fatigue, lack of time, work stress and professional constraints, children, routine, the absence of seduction play, a certain slackness on the part of one or both partners.


The couple is built on several bases and it is normal that the desire can be less strong sometimes. (The decline of desire in the couple)

This does not necessarily call into question the feelings or the solidity of the couple over time, its durability. It all depends on whether it is a total absence of desire for the other or a one-time decrease in libido, related to the situation or directly associated with what one feels for the other.

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Where it becomes worrisome is if the desire does not return or if it wakes up outside the couple for another person. The absence of an intimate life is sometimes the first element of a deeper problem in the couple, a kind of triggering factor behind the separation.

Testimony of Julie, 24 years old, as a couple for 5 years including 3 years of living together.

“I think the loss of desire played an important role in my separation. I thought I was living with the man of my life, both my companion and my best friend until the day when the attraction to another appeared. I have always met men who could have pleased me but I would never have gone so far as to pass the course. The day I cracked and was unfaithful I understood that this was the end. Having sex with another, having a desire for another and feeling like I was alive opened my eyes to my relationship and to the fact that something had been missing from my relationship for months, that the routine was there and that in my intimate life it was no longer that. Even though I would have preferred never to be unfaithful to the man who shared my life and who deserved none of this, I realized that the love I felt for him was no more than affection and that it was only memories and routine that held me back. To tell the truth, I didn’t really try to find solutions even though this separation tore my heart out. I realized that the desire for another meant that I could no longer stay in the current situation with my spouse. After hard weeks of separation, for fear of making mistakes and regretting my daily life, I can now say that I feel free and much better in my body and in my mind. Temptation and desire in a sense caused the loss of my relationship. »

How to keep the desire over time? (The decline of desire in the couple)

When the absence of desire does not call into question the viability of the couple, romantic feelings and the desire to be together, then there are always solutions. This one-off wear and tear, often contextual, is just as long as we wake up. What are the solutions to rekindle the flame?


If your lack of desire is personal, closely related to a period of stress or fatigue, health, then the best thing to do is to explain it to the other so that it does not call into question your common desire, that it does not create unnecessary misunderstanding or tension. Communication is the basis in a couple. Envy is related to the well-being of body and mind and if you are not well then it is normal that your body no longer reacts. Libido can be a capricious thing sometimes.

Can we change the other? Is it normal to want to change the other?

Often, intimate life is based on the events of living together. A financial problem, children, work, the impression of running all the time, all this means that we are exhausted in the evening or too busy on weekends and that we let the worries and constraints of everyday life overwhelm us, that we put our couple aside. It is necessary to give back the time to make a real place for his intimate life. So obviously it is not a question of programming the hugs to come, of making it an obligation, but just of considering that in spite of everything else, it is healthy to leave a real place in one’s life as a couple to physical pleasure if your relationship has been built with it, as a fundamental basis.

If your intimate life seems dull or boring to you, then again this should not be considered a taboo subject. After several years, it is quite normal to feel this, we know the other by heart, we have the impression that there are no more surprises, no more game of seduction, spice in the love game. You are free to talk about it, to vary the pleasures, to tell the other what you lack, what you would like. Making one’s intimate life a taboo in one’s life as a couple is the worst way to act or rather not to act, too many couples let boredom break their intimacy until they no longer exist, simply because they did not dare to admit that their desires had evolved over the years.

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Testimony of Eva, 33 years old, married for 10 years and in a couple for 15 years. (The decline of desire in the couple)

We have always had a sustained intimate life from the beginning even when on my side the feelings were not yet really present. That’s also what brought me closer to him. We obviously had periods that were more off-peak but never lasted long. Some by the vagaries of life: during pregnancies for example but we “adapted” and others by time fatigue, the daily life of each and bad personal passes (family problems and work) where libido is less present. It is not taboo between us on the contrary it is a subject that we often address especially when we feel that it is a somewhat complicated period. It has very rarely happened that we argue. It has happened that the libido is less present for one of us and in this case we discuss it and everyone accepts that the other may not want to. But honestly it is true that it has never happened for a long time like several months for example. I had an attraction once for someone else but who “strangely” never really blunted my desire for him which made me realize that it was him and no one else. We have maintained desire for 15 years by listening to ourselves and by listening to the desire of the other and his desires. We try to always evolve together, to “vary” the pleasures even if we know each other by heart, we are more the same as 15 years ago especially body level for me. He is very considerate and attentive and he has helped me accept my body through our intimate life too. After that we are also surely lucky to evolve in life at the same speed, to have the same desires and to be very close on all subjects and this one too. The arrival of the children has of course changed our life and removes a little spontaneity maybe sometimes but we reserve our moments at 2 where we take pleasure in meeting. »


Desire is a guarantee of complicity, seduction and fulfillment in the couple, a real balancing factor for those who associate desire and feeling in love. A guarantee of solidity and durability. And do not forget that in love nothing is taboo, so the best thing to do is to communicate when you feel that the wear and tear of desire may call into question your couple.

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