The fear of commitment to love
Who hasn’t heard “I don’t feel ready for a serious relationship, I don’t want to commit”? Relationship followed, cohabitation, even simple holidays in love, so many projects that make flee the phobic of the commitment in love. So, being afraid to spend the rest of one’s life with the same person may seem legitimate, this type of commitment is not taken lightly. But for some, the vertigo of such a prospect is insurmountable.
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They refuse the life of a couple despite the time spent together because the commitment in love returns to them the image of a binding life, made only of obligations and duties, assimilated to a form of imprisonment and loss of their freedom. The fear of engagement in a relationship is a problem that is increasingly present in our society, as if we were more and more afraid to really love, to love the same person for a long time. Where does this fear of commitment to love come from and how to overcome it? The fear of commitment to love, how to explain and overcome it?
Definition of fear of commitment to love
The idea of spending your whole life with the same person can actually be scary. At a time when we consume more than we deepen our romantic relationships, it is not surprising that many have developed this very concrete fear of investing with someone.
In reality, the majority of these phobic do not feel comfortable engaging, and this, in all spheres of their life. Whether for living together, meeting with the in-laws, buying real estate, pacs or marriage, founding a family, or even planning romantic trips, they back off at the slightest sign of personal investment. They feel trapped as soon as the relationship takes a more serious turn.
The fear of commitment to love, a real phobia?
The fear of engagement is comparable to claustrophobia, with the difference that it is not confined spaces or enclosed spaces that are suffocating but being in a form of intimacy with someone else. This intimacy refers to a feeling of confinement and it is this feeling that the phobic flees.
He is convinced that choosing a partner is a lifelong commitment and he feels like he is signing up for life imprisonment, unlike serene people with this notion who do not consider the fact of committing themselves as a deprivation of liberty but rather as a choice, a desire and a proof of love.
This type of anxiety results in intense stress when a decision has to be made. The person concerned will tend to feel oppressed when he has to invest. If fear is a normal emotion, it becomes problematic when it takes on an uncontrollable scale. The phobic of the amorous commitment may tend to prefer flight, rather than keep a promise without being certain to control the sequence of events.
Men and women, even fear of commitment?
Fear of commitment is often attributed to men. Is this an unfounded rumor or an absolute truth? Today, when mores have evolved, where the family model is no longer fixed, in which women are no longer just housewives and mothers, where marriage is no longer the only family and social model, the question no longer arises in this way. Men and women are afraid to engage for fear of losing their freedom.
It is a very contextual reality, increasingly linked to the current idea that we have of the couple and family life, often devalued, and of love, which we no longer consider as a sufficiently solid basis to build our life with someone.
The fear of commitment to love, real fear or pretext?
The fear of commitment is often misunderstood and judged since it makes the person who tries to share a relationship with a phobic of commitment suffer. Thus, the partner who is directly concerned suffers. Even if, in most cases, the causes of the difficulty in committing are complex and the partner has nothing to do with them, he suffers irremediably the situation.
We must distinguish the phobia of the commitment to love, a real fear that requires work on oneself, and the simple desire not to invest, and which there, seems to touch more and more people.
Also, those who hide behind this notion in order not to invest themselves are not always people suffering from this phobia. They just use this very -too- fashionable fear as a pretext not to go further with their partner, or to collect light and ephemeral relationships.
What are the causes of the fear of commitment?
The mania for doubt
For many, as the story gets serious, doubt sets in: “Do I love him, do I project myself with him/her”? Habits of our partner are perceived as manias, defects become unbearable.
Other people are waiting for THE perfect person to fulfill their ideal of perfectionist love. They fantasize about a relationship beyond reality and when it does not reflect what they had planned, their disappointment brings them back to a sad reality of failure and eternal quest.
The weight of the past (The fear of commitment to love)
The fear of commitment hides fears often linked to the past. Fear of failure, of suffering, of disappointing, fear of abandonment, of being betrayed. They often come from childhood (divorce, violence…) or from previous unfortunate experiences(difficult break-up, infidelity). These are often injuries from a previous relationship that have not yet healed, such as sickly jealousy and domestic violence, which are legitimate reasons for fear of re-engaging.
These fears all have originally a common denominator: lack of self-confidence.
A lack of self-confidence
Indeed, resistance to commitment is often linked to a failing self-esteem, such as a fear of not being up to the ideal that one has imagined. “Will I be up to the task in this relationship in the face of the constraints of everyday life and duration?”
But we should not see it that way, but rather as a commitment to oneself, the opportunity to reassure oneself on one’s own worth thanks to our partner who elected us as the only one in his eyes.
Self-confidence is essential within any relationship but especially in a romantic relationship. Indeed, the closer you are to a person, the greater the emotional stakes and the more you can suffer if the relationship stops. It is tempting to protect yourself from suffering by not committing yourself 100% to the relationship but it is rarely fulfilling in the long term.
The best is to strengthen your self-esteem and self-confidence so that you can fully invest in the relationship. Thus, one can feed on the relationship and enjoy it fully, without fear of suffering excruciatingly and never getting up if the relationship ends.
The fear of losing one’s freedom (The fear of commitment to love)
In a relationship, it is necessary to preserve one’s freedom. Each individual is an entity in its own right and as such, needs its autonomy and freedom to be fulfilled. You have to know your limits and enforce them. Some people fail to assert themselves and are subjected to decisions that do not suit them. Thus, they develop resentment and aggressiveness towards their partner and this deteriorates the relationship.
When you feel locked up and constrained, the temptation to run away from the relationship is great. When you feel free, you want to stay.
Limiting beliefs
According to our personal history, we have all internalized certain limiting and disabling beliefs for our current lives. For example, if you have experienced your parents’ divorce badly, you may have unconsciously assimilated the belief that a couple is not made to last and that it is synonymous with suffering. You will therefore seek by all means to give reason to this belief by choosing people who do not suit you or whom you do not really like. Thus, you will each time have a good reason to tell yourself that you are not made for love.
To get out of an unconscious pattern that repeats itself, we must first become aware of this pattern and identify it. Then you need to replace your limiting belief with one that will be closer to your current reality and that will help you move forward.
Indeed, beliefs are made to evolve throughout our lives. It is therefore important to regularly update your beliefs in order to move forward as serenely as possible in your life.
How to overcome his fear of commitment?
Identify and confront the causes of fear (The fear of commitment to love)
The irrational fear of committing is therefore always explained by another underlying fear. It is important at first to understand where this anxiety comes from and to face it, to be in agreement with oneself and in a future relationship.
Take your time
Commitment phobics tend to throw themselves body and soul into their new relationship, and then flee as soon as they feel a little too engaged. Better to go slowly but surely.
Don’t get lost in the relationship
The mistake of most couples is often to blend into each other. It is necessary to keep your identity so as not to get lost and wake up one day with this ball in your stomach that calls everything into question because you no longer know who you are.
Desacralizing the couple (The fear of commitment to love)
Yes, the couple is important in a life. It even has to be very solid to get through the trials. But knowing that you are fulfilled in something other than your couple can help to de-dramatize the couple. We do not bet everything on him.
If you are trying or are in a relationship with a phobic of engagement
The most important fear for this kind of person is to lose something they already have. It is important then to take an interest in her false barriers and to reassure her. You have to use the right words and arguments to prove to him that a serious relationship is not synonymous with confinement.
However, we must not remain passive and accept everything.
If the cause of the uncertainty is related to your behaviour or differences, be aware of it. And if you want to change to succeed in your relationship, do it.
If you love yourself and you have a good complicity, you could do this analysis separately at first and then jointly to try to find a solution.
Sometimes our behavior is called into question by the fact of liking too much. Indeed, the more these people feel our love, the more they will tend to flee, feeling trapped. They will then want to cut short even though they have nascent feelings. And although these people would like to engage, fear will overcome, so either they will sabotage the relationship, or they will disappear when everything was fine, because the anguish of seeing their freedom disappear will have been the strongest.
So, do not stay in an area of waiting and uncertainty, protect yourself and do not be afraid to break up if you see that your relationship has no future.
In conclusion, is the fear of commitment more widespread today?
For the true phobics of commitment, the question to ask above all is: Have you always been afraid to commit yourself?
- If this is the first time, why are you afraid to engage in this relationship when it wasn’t the case before?
- Is this fear related to your current partner? To your family or sentimental past?
It should be borne in mind that in our romantic relationships, we often think, feel and act according to our family and love liabilities. It is only by answering these questions and analyzing what we have experienced that it will be possible to get out of this fear of commitment.
And the two real questions that remain unanswered are the following:
- Do the true phobics of commitment really want to change to invest in a couple relationship?
- For others who play on this fear by mising it, why does being in a relationship so scary them?
Is it not just a pretext, as written above, to hide behind this fear in order not to assume one’s selfishness and this new trend towards consumption?
The new image of the commitment to love is limiting, as if being two was necessarily synonymous with coercion and imprisonment.
Let us hope that this fear of commitment to love will not grow more and that the true phobic will find in them the strength to get rid of their fears to dare happiness for two.
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