Why you fall in love
Do you know why you fall in love with a particular person? Why do we have desire and feelings for one when we can be totally indifferent to another person? Psychologist Irina Chesnova answers your questions through this article!
Our unconscious plays tricks on us
According to psychologist Irina Chesnova, if it is so difficult for us to know why we fell in love with this particular person, rather than another, it is because this feeling is instinctive and belongs to the realm of the unconscious! We have all met during our lives, extraordinary people who have fascinated us, taken care of us, loved us and helped us become the person we are today!
These people are for the most part, our parents. But they can also be grandparents, friends, role models,…
Unconsciously, we have associated these people with the feeling of love, and especially the one we received (or not) during our childhood. Thus, when we meet a person who seems to “stick” with these images, it awakens in us these old feelings relating to love and affection. Unconsciously reminding us of a person who loved us.
This is why most individuals fall in love with a person who unconsciously reminds them of a member of their family (father, mother or other). The resemblance, which can be difficult to see consciously, can be physical, gestural, in relation to opinions or even habits. Resemblance therefore plays an undeniable role in attraction because it awakens a deep and powerful feeling.
Childhood events (Why you fall in love)
The events that occurred during our childhood can be significant in our choice of partner. It is known in psychology that we are looking for an “improved” father or mother! We are looking for on the one hand, a person who looks a little like one of our parents (so we know “intuitively” how to interact with this person), and on the other hand, a person completely different from them on multiple points.
Indeed, the different aspects of those of our parents that we will look for in our partner, are all the things that we have missed and that we would like to fill.
For example, if, when you were a child, your parents were not expressive enough (according to you), you will be led to unconsciously look for a partner who will fill this gap. So in this case, a very expressive person who is not afraid to express his feelings.
Thus, we unconsciously seek in our partner, to remedy a psychological need, a wound to bandage, a lack to fill, which according to us, we missed during our childhood (love, trust, protection, pride,
In search of our half (Why you fall in love)
According to Plato’s “The Banquet,” men and women were one with two faces, four arms and four legs. This is the myth of the androgynous! Fearing their power, the Gods decided to cut them off in order to force them to seek and find themselves throughout their lives to form a complete being again.
We are therefore looking for our twin who complements us (on aspects that are not very developed at home) and who, on some points, is different from us. For example, if you are a spontaneous person, you may be looking for a thoughtful and composed partner because you do not have this quality.
Harmony remains essential (fall in love)
Harmony and certain commonalities are essential for the good understanding and survival of the couple. Psychologist Vadim Petrovsky has highlighted three main fundamental criteria for a couple to be welded.
The three fundamental criteria for a couple to be welded:
First, the general temperament: For example, a person who is passionate, always in a good mood and dynamic will have to be with a person who has a similar temperament.
Thus, the two people will be much more comfortable together, will understand each other more easily and will be on the same wavelength.
Secondly, the level of open-mindedness: It is important within the couple to have a similar open-mindedness. If there is a discrepancy, the person who is the most open-minded will feel frustration and misunderstanding. There will be tensions in the couple, and it will not be able to hold on over time as well.
Third, an equal level of jealousy: Although jealousy is sometimes present in the couple, it must be felt equally for the good understanding and survival of your couple. If she is felt disproportionately compared to that felt by her partner, it will create a lack of affection and a feeling of insecurity that can harm.
Imperfections that suit us (Why you fall in love)
When we meet a person and fall madly in love with them, we are overwhelmed with emotions that alter our perception. We do not immediately see the flaws of our partner, and we quickly fall in love with a person we ultimately know little. In the four stages of the couple, it is therefore the phase of passion, fusional and magical.
After a while, we have come to know the person more with his qualities and flaws and the illusion of the perfect person gradually disappears. Some will separate, belatedly realizing that their partner’s flaws are incompatible with their values. While others, will be able to accept the defects of their half because they do not harm their values and therefore are not very important to them.
For example, a person who has as values, security and loyalty would not stand the lack of infidelity of his partner. Whereas, on the other hand, a person for whom these values are not as important to him, could react with more leniency and forgive more easily.
That’s why it’s important to know your values (there are multiple tests for this or it only requires you to question what is most important to you) and see if they match with those of your partner. (fall in love)
Either they correspond and you will navigate the waters of love quietly by accepting the differences and defects of your partner (because for you, they are not very disturbing), or you will not be able to accept them, because they hurt your greatest values and therefore what forges your identity.
You will constantly feel like you have to make efforts, force and put all your energy into a relationship that cannot last. Trying to “change” it will be futile, because you can’t force people to be a different person.
Would you have liked him or her to be different? So break up! And go in search of this extraordinary person who is made for you and whose flaws will not put you in pitiful states! This is the best advice we can give you!