Separation of the couple after the arrival of baby
Becoming a parent is not easy. Romantic evenings sometimes become a disaster film, the bed of lovers becomes the bed of the whole family. The parental couple then seems to have replaced the conjugal couple for good. so much so that these upheavals can endanger the couple and lead to separation. But there are other reasons than fatigue, intimate life put aside, the places of each difficult to find to explain a separation of the couple after the arrival of baby.
Sometimes the man or woman with whom you make a baby is absolutely not the father or mother you had imagined, hoped for. Family life cannot then be built in a healthy way, and there is no longer a solution. Does this mean that we were wrong all over the place? Separation of the couple after the arrival of baby
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Separation of the couple after the arrival of baby
“When he disappointed me as a father and not just as a man, I knew there was nothing left to save. Neither couple nor family life. Staying together would have been a mistake, a permanent suffering, a game of dupes. An unhealthy place to live for our child. »
That’s how our couple got to this point, how I got the trigger…
“I realized that if our desire to become parents was very real and shared at the conception of our baby, it was not so for the future. We didn’t share anything about our way of thinking about our life with a baby, about the very idea of a family life. Very quickly an incompatibility emerged regarding our priorities of life, couple, family. We did not share the same modes of operation, the same patterns.
I had probably become too much mom, and he didn’t become dad enough. The imbalance was there, very real and increasingly characteristic of our lives. It’s like there’s a before and after baby.
Had there been any warning signs of other couple problems before birth? During pregnancy? Or even before? Or would our couple have held out if we hadn’t become parents?
I asked myself the question for a long time… But today with hindsight I really think that our couple was not strong enough, balanced, healthy enough to move forward together no matter what. Baby or not, separation was inevitable
Separation of the couple after the arrival of the baby: a family life very quickly unbalanced?
When I returned from motherhood, we had a few months of joy all the same. Despite the fatigue, the rhythm to take with baby, the happiness of being parents was there. Not everything was catastrophic immediately. Surely because our baby took all the place of our concerns. But surely also and especially because I was in my bubble as a young mother and I did not want or know how to see from the outset what was wrong. Because when I think about it, I finally wonder if we have had real moments of happiness for three of us. It’s crazy to think that we loved or thought we loved someone strong enough to make a baby with him but that in the end there are not many good memories left; that family time is few.
Concretely, for the first few months, I was in my cocoon of mom. Taking advantage of the first few months without working again, I built with my child a very strong bond, probably fusional. Not to the point of excluding the dad, but maybe I didn’t leave him enough room. He was working and when he came home at night at first he seemed happy to be there, to be a father. Iwanted him to find his place, did I help him enough?
I do not know, but I refuse to bear all the responsibilities. He has the right to blame me, the right to consider me too fusional a mother or the right to say that I had put our baby at the forefront of my concerns before him for a few months.
But what he does not have the right to say is that he has been prevented from creating a real bond with his child. Because this is false and this link, he alone was responsible for it. It was up to him to behave like a dad.
A father, not a dad?
Only after just a few months, it is as if the appeal of this new role of father has lost interest in him. As if he were suffocating at home with the three of us. He came home later and later, always wanted to go out to see his friends, to go have fun.
I even thought he was wrong. Any young mother must ask herself the question of her power of seduction after childbirth and I have not escaped the rule. Maybe he didn’t want me anymore, I didn’t make enough effort, he saw me as the mother of his child but more like his wife.
Couple crisis and baby-clash?
There was very quickly an accumulation of problems between us. Misunderstandings, tensions, silences heavy with meaning that have deviated into disputes and conflicts. I looked for solutions. Try to communicate well as a couple, question oneself, accept reproaches, recognize one’s wrongs… All this has been mentioned. But it’s hard to fix things with someone who doesn’t want to be there anymore. Who dreams of another life but just doesn’t have the courage to leave.
I was no longer his wife, he was no longer the one I had fallen in love with. Of our couple there was nothing left except our baby. Until the end I tried to cling to our family life as it seemed unthinkable to me to separate after giving birth to our child!
I accepted many things for a few more months, keeping quiet about my fears and anger as a woman, gagging my disappointment as a mother… This is not how I had hoped for my family life.
From my desire to build a warm home, moving memories, to move forward with concrete projects, he opposed at best a silent boredom, at worst much more personal ambitions…
Separation of the couple after the arrival of baby: we had become two strangers
Raising our child of barely one year old under the same roof, we lived together… It was no longer livable but he seemed to revel in this non-life of couple and family taking the house for a hotel, sharing with our baby only a few rare moments of complicity
Children are sponges it is well known and ours as small as it is has not escaped the rule; the tense climate between us has awakened anxieties, crying, sleep problems. The well-being of our baby was at stake, it was out of the question for me to put him in danger.
Separation of the couple after the arrival of the baby: a click without possible backtracking
The click came when I realized so, that it was not only the man that I did not recognize, but also the father that he was not.
I had to take our baby to the pediatric emergency room one evening, following a quickly worrying fever and breathing difficulties. He had bronchiolitis. I called his father who was still late when he should have already finished the job. No answer, I left alone for the hospital. After being taken care of there and reassured about the health of my baby, still having no news I left two SMS. He deigned to call me back at last.
And that was the blow for me.
On the pretext that I had already managed the situation and that our baby was out of danger and that there was nothing serious, he considered it unnecessary to join me. He was no longer working, but he had gone to see some “friends” and thought he would go straight back to sleep! We would end up at home…
I didn’t know if I should scream or cry. I hung up. That’s when I had the famous click. Continue like this with a man who disgusted me now and in whom I no longer had any confidence even when it came to his role as a father? impossible!
I got home the next morning.
Despite the fatigue of a sleepless night, I exploded. I told him everything I had on my heart, everything that was not bearable, not normal. Everything I didn’t want to live with him anymore, without him, because of him. It was over. I think he was just waiting for that, for me to make the decision. Loose in addition…
He left the house two weeks after the time to organize, he did not ask for custody of our baby or even alternating custody. He now lives as a single person contenting himself at his request with a more or less respected right of access.
Our child was not yet two years old when his mom and dad separated. I blame myself and I am sad for him. I will still be so even today that years have passed. But I know that I had no choice for our balance and happiness but to separate from his father. It will always be his father, and I just hope that one day he understands what a joy it is to be a dad.