victims of manipulators in love
When I wanted to write on this subject, I thought of part of my personal history and of the testimonies that we read on blogs, these stories in books, these television programmes and unfortunately sometimes under the heading of tragic news stories, when verbal and psychological manipulation is accompanied by physical violence. I knew the difficult, painful subject. I know what it’s like to control, to manipulate, to lose self-confidence, to lose self-esteem.
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I know what it’s like to live in lies, in fear, in suffering but not to succeed in leaving, as if we deserved the harm we are doing to ourselves, as if we had to suffer this, as if a superior force prevented us from reacting. And then I was lucky that two women trusted me and gave me their confidences, their story. The testimonies I have been able to gather are shocking and self-sufficient. And above all, I would have the impression of saying less well, less strongly, less true what they were kind enough to share with me, with you. Here are two shocking testimonies of victims of manipulators in love.
Emilie, 32, in a relationship with a manipulator for more than a year (victims of manipulators in love)
« I’m Emilie, he’s Max. We met in December 2016 and separated in February 2018. We left everything in 15 days and broke up with our respective ex. Met in the course of the work, we left everything for each other, a kind of crush. He dad of a baby of a few months and I married for about the same period.
I knew him to be a liar since he was reputed to be unfaithful. I was myself but with the knowledge of my husband. Then, unlike him, it was an ongoing relationship. He more ass plans, which was not my case. In short, with this similar part of life, I wanted to believe that together we could finally be faithful to two and draw a line under this past. Believing is perhaps only an illusion, the desire for something new with this budding love.
We first lived in our respective homes, one going to the other as soon as we could, for 6 months. Then I decide to follow him in his mutation. He wants to return to his origins. Out of love, I ask for a rapprochement and therefore make a cross on a part of a pre-drawn professional future and join an unknown region leaving everything behind me. We end up living together for a little over 6 months.
I forgot who I was, wanting to be who he wanted. Sometimes cook, sometimes acting mom for her son, sometimes “bitch” at the level of intimate relationships. I ended up being in his image. I forgot myself, lost myself. (victims of manipulators in love)
I cut the bridges with my family convinced that he was right and that it was better that way. Until I discovered that in fact it had not changed, lies, betrayals, registration on several dating sites, etc. He apologizes, tells me that he wanted to see if he loved me again and again. See if he could seduce and be seduced in return. I cash in. He wants time to meet again. I leave it to him. We live 2 weeks doing our activities without worrying too much about each other. Long live the roommate. Trying situation for me who loves him. A colleague kind enough to lend me her apartment so that I can breathe.
Nothing was getting better. More and more difficult for me. I am coming to make a desperate gesture that will be the end of our history. My TS was my realization. And I decided to leave him.
I never slept in the shared accommodation again and my family who never enjoyed it managed to save me. I saw him again for the sharing of furniture and the liquidation of our property. But it was unhealthy. I think he still had a grip on me and I gave in several times when I saw him again. The next time I would pick up my things with a person. Or he dropped off in front of the front door. I wanted to avoid any contact to preserve myself.
It took this act for me to be able to find myself. Take stock of life, of what I wanted, what I didn’t want anymore. I stayed at the bottom of the hole for a long time. I didn’t eat for several weeks. I was able to reconnect with my family, which allowed me to get better. Stopped for several months, I am now fine, I have climbed the slope with the help of my relatives, my friends, doctors and also a good foot in the ass. But it’s still recent, sometimes I feel it. Some things make me think of him. That’s why I’m going to leave this region to join my family. Because here it is synonymous with failure and everything refers me to him. I have to leave and I leave to turn this heavy page. But we can’t do it alone, to think so is a decoy. I don’t want to live with anyone again.
Now that I’m learning to do things for myself, I’m taking a liking to it. More accountability to give, dress as you want, be yourself simply. (victims of manipulators in love)
I think it will not change and it will always have a problem with women. He is too imbued with his person. I wish him to suffer as I have suffered. When you no longer have the strength to get up. I’m not a nasty person but he stole part of my life and I will never forgive him… I had to get to 32 and do this suicide attempt to realize that I was no longer me. After any betrayal, the time for reconstruction is long.
The summary of my story is Carpe Diem, living in the present moment, knowing how to please oneself and more for others and getting to know oneself. »
Ophelia, 25 years old, in a relationship with a manipulator for 2 and a half years (victims of manipulators in love)
“Encounters are like the wind, some touch your skin, others knock you over”,you, you have upset me, listened to me, helped, supported. You made me laugh, scream, love to lose breath, but you mostly broke me.
I did not choose to fall in love with you, in truth, we do not choose. My heart simply imposed it on me. It was so pleasant to talk to you for hours on end, to confide in you my desires, my fears, my doubts, and to listen to you reassure me, since that was what it was, at the beginning. I was not suspicious, I did not realize anything, and then even if I had realized it, it was already far too late, I had already lost everything.
At the very moment you set your sights on me, it was already over. The child woman you told me so much to love was already far away. The manipulation began at the very moment I revealed my weaknesses to you.
Things began to change after just a few months, or rather to reveal their true nature. The waiting for your calls, the little time you would like to give me, your absences, your mistakes, your forgiveness, my tears… that was what had become of my daily life. You were so strong at turning situations around and every time I blamed you for something, I ended up apologizing, telling myself it was my fault. That was my punishment.
So I started to change, to shut myself in. (victims of manipulators in love)
No matter how much they told me that you were not a man to me, no matter how much they tried to make me aware of what was happening, of what I was becoming, nothing was doing it, I was totally blinded. Under control. It’s unbelievable to say but your words were a thousand times more painful than a slap because moral violence is as destructive as physical violence.
I knew for a fact that all this was unhealthy, unstable, and yet I clung to the slightest of your words. I erased myself to become in the end only a pale reflection of myself.
I’ve tried to leave, so many times… but you knew so well how to hold me back. You knew me by heart, more than anyone else. It was my greatest weakness, it became your greatest strength.
I gave you my innocence, I got lost in you.
And then one day, I opened my eyes. I understood that it was time to act if I wanted to get out of it.
I understood that if I came back, for the umpteenth time, I would lose forever. I’ve never been happier than the day I freed myself from you, at least that’s what I thought. It wasn’t easy, if you knew how bad I was. But it was nothing compared to all the harm you had already done to me.
I left it all buried, I convinced myself that I was fine. But all this eventually resurfaced, so violently. So I made the decision to get help. I had to talk about it, if I didn’t want it to eat away at me forever. And, finally, I began to regain self-confidence. (victims of manipulators in love)
So you’re definitely going to ask yourself the question: Why did I stay so long, am I maso? Did I take the slightest pleasure in getting lost in this no-end story? Did I want to be complained about? To these questions, I will simply answer that no situation not lived should be judged. I am not asking you to understand. I simply wish to say to all women who are victims of moral violence and manipulation that it is possible to get out of it.
I have no regrets, since I gave you everything, I was at the end of our history, or rather of the history that I had made for myself. I was madly in love with you, or rather with whoever I thought you were. I know you loved me, in your own way, I remain convinced. Only you are unable to make a person happy. It’s stronger than you. I’m not trying to find excuses for you, I just tell myself that there’s a reason for everything.
I trusted you, you betrayed me. I gave you my heart, you trampled it. I brought you into my life, you closed the doors of yours to me. I loved you to suffer from it. I gave you everything, you took everything from me.
Today I can say that I am healed of you, well almost.
I found the essential: ME. And, with a lot of time, the confidence I had lost. But you have left many scars, wounds, too fragile, which still open up to the slightest doubts. (victims of manipulators in love)
Nevertheless, without realizing it, you have made me a stronger, colder, perhaps and terribly suspicious person. But you learn from your mistakes and, for all the harm you caused, I don’t regret anything. Because I know now that I am able to face many more things than I thought. Yes I am strong and I will remain so.
I was asked what my greatest pride was: to have managed to free myself from you. »
We believe that things will eventually change or that we deserve them, and sometimes even that we can save the other, save ourselves. But it is a decoy, a mistake to believe that these people can change overnight, can change thanks to us, for us, out of love. They don’t like us. They use us, lie to us, demean us, manipulate us, threaten us, isolate us. They make us lose ourselves. We no longer know who we really are under the yoke of such a person. It takes this famous click, courage, strength, support, will, pugnacity to succeed in achieving it, to say stop, to realize that we deserve better, to realize that he does not love us, that love is not that and so to leave. To flee. To rebuild. It is not without its difficulty; not without sequelae. There is a whole psychological work of reconstruction to undertake afterwards, a fear of romantic relationships again, a big job to be done on self-confidence and confidence in the other. It takes time. But we managed the most difficult, to leave this manipulator, to become aware of the abyss in which we were sinking, to get lost. So rebuilding is a long time, such an experience leaves traces, sometimes scars for life, but then you become stronger than ever.
We get up, we live again. We finally meet and love each other. (victims of manipulators in love)
Love is a beautiful thing but can be just as destructive. So never go beyond your limits, never accept what does not suit you, what destroys you, what loses you, do not suffer intentionally for the other. For this is not love. It’s called manipulation.
Emilie, Ophelia, thank you again. infinitely.
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