THE BEST DOES NOT COME NATURALLY; 6 GREAT TIPS FOR A GREAT SEX LIFE TOGETHER
Unfortunately, sex within steady relationships quickly becomes ‘good’. As if sensuality and eroticism do not (anymore) fit within the domesticated environment. A shame.
Dr. David Blom
Dr. David Blom
David is a relationship psychologist and love researcher
Humans are performance-oriented creatures. We want to work hard. For a nice house, a bigger car, a promotion.
But when it comes to sex, we actually think it shouldn’t be necessary. We often think that good sex comes naturally. Spontaneous. Easy. That taking off our clothes and feeling each other’s skin is enough for a satisfying lovemaking. Nothing is less true.
We will also have to expose ourselves psychically. Having the guts to share our deepest desires. Because therein lies the real intimacy: revealing who you are and what you really want, regardless of what someone else thinks about it. So just dare to say you want to have sex tonight in a ‘trashie’ outfit with matching kinky toys. He dresses up as a pilot, you as a flight attendant.
Such playfulness is often dismissed as a lack of intimacy, but daring to lose yourself in another person, another character, requires a lot of mutual trust. We reinvent ourselves and take risks. This gives sex a therapeutic power.
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EXPAND YOUR BOUNDARIES
Often it is our earliest ‘relationship experiences’ that limit sex. Take Suus (45) and Freek (58). He is a brother and she is a nurse. Suus has an eye for the needs of her clients, but she does not dare to express her own sexual needs. She was abandoned by her father as a 10-year-old girl, and her deep-seated fear of love loss prevents her from expressing her wishes and desires in an assertive way. The way in which Freek fingers her hardly arouses her. But she does not admit it.
Freek, in turn, grew up with a very dominant father and unconsciously learned that a real guy determines everything in the relationship. When Suus tries to help Freek to stimulate the right places in her body, he feels his male honor is affected. Offended. And so she says nothing more. This has been rippling on for a number of years. The sex is not optimal, only good enough for Suus to come.
When Freek and Suus dare to work between the sheets on expanding their boundaries, in an atmosphere of playfulness and acceptance, they will be able to enrich themselves, their sex life and their relationship. A huge profit.
PULLING THE AGENDA
This enrichment is only possible when we make room for sex. For many couples, sex has become an afterthought. It dangles somewhere at the bottom of the priority list. Among the finances, the kids, the corona worries, you name it. On average, in long-term relationships, sex is only about three times a month.
If we want to give sex a central place again, we will have to draw our agendas. And this often leads to resistance. For shopping or taking the kids, ala, but for sex ?? Deep down, we believe that sex should come naturally. That our partner should ‘take us as we are’. Also on our sneakers and in our dirty t-shirt.
These are childish fantasies. It is necessary and fun to pull out all the stops to seduce your partner. To discover and act on his or her fantasies. It sounds very flat, but sex requires as much preparation as a delicious meal. Without planning and dedication, it quickly becomes tasteless.
A shame, also in view of the corona virus. After all, a pleasant sex life is beneficial for our immune system. Sex twice a week causes, among other things, an increase in Immunoglobulin A (IgA) in the blood. These antibodies protect against bacteria and viruses.
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SIX BEAUTIFUL TIPS
That is why I would like to share with you six tips that can help you create a ‘new normal’ in the bedroom.
The combination of emotional connection with erotic scenarios, techniques and toys can take us to great heights.
Divide the week into two parts. For example, from Saturday 9 pm to Wednesday 9 pm it is one partner’s turn to take the initiative, the other part of the week is for the other partner to take the initiative. If no initiative is taken, the other has the privilege of taking the initiative.
Make the moment inviting: for example, first enjoy a nice cooking or a nice massage before engaging in sex.
Accept that you do not both have the same appetite for sex. This is normal. If arousal is low, start with less ‘invasive’ sexual acts like caressing, hugging, kissing first. Oral sex can lead to increased self-awareness in low arousal.
This usually has an inhibiting effect.
One of the most disarming ways to rediscover each other as sensual and erotic beings is to watch each other masturbate. . It is precisely because it emphasizes your separation as sensual individuals that it stimulates desire. It is aphrodisiac to see each other ‘going loose’ as in an erotic film.
Because you also show yourself to each other in a different way, you quickly get rid of worn-in façades and styles.
One of the most effective ways to give space to your deepest wishes and fantasies is to write an exciting sex script. The world of fantasy is limitless and without judgment – and it is precisely this that can take your sex life to a great height. Do you find it too exciting? Then create an email account in which you share your deepest desires. This built-in distance often offers sufficient safety.
Think about what would turn you on and describe the scene as visually and explicitly as possible. Where are you? What are you wearing? What are you doing together? How turned on this to you? Share this with each other.
Another way to enrich sex is to let your mouth ‘speak’. The problem in many relationships is that the sexual experience is narrowed down to just the sexual act with orgasm as the main goal. Turn it right. Pull out all the stops to please each other orally, without necessarily resulting in an orgasm. Focus on the many sensations that you can experience with your mouth and bring about in the other person.
The best way to connect sex and intimacy is through a nice afterplay. How many couples do not turn over in bed after the act. Sin. Use the vulnerability and relaxation of the moment to deepen your relationship. Lie in each other’s arms and share those nice things that you normally keep to yourself. What do you actually like about your partner? It helps you to feel good and safe with your partner.