why is it so hard to say you just want to fuck
Why is this so damn difficult? Just say you want to fuck. No caressing or endless cackling in each other’s eyes, no massages or chocolate dripping into each other’s navel for minutes. Just a fuck, straight on, straight on. She below, he above, or vice versa.
‘YES, THAT’S FINE. JUST’
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Look, most people I talk to think they actually have a good sex life. If you ask about it, you will hear: ‘normal, yes uh normal. Everything works though ‘. This is also the case with Bas and Chantal, a couple in their thirties, whom I recently spoke to in the consulting room. When asking questions, Chantal indicates that Bas is performing well! ‘He gets it up, there are no premature ejaculations. Yeah, I have to say our sex is pretty okay, right baby? ‘
‘Yes’, the man often answers. Bas: ‘We have a pretty good sex life. It used to be a bit more exciting. We still used to do it in a car or on a washing machine. But we have a good bed, so why not use it. ‘ Then comes that moment when the man looks at the woman somewhat uncertainly, the woman takes the man’s hand and says ‘that’s just the way it is!’. Further questions are not appreciated.
The verdict has been reached: the sex is okay.
And of course this is fine. Being satisfied with ‘okay’ and ‘normal’. And let’s be honest, all those positions can be pretty tiring, especially after a day of work and children blaring in the background. Children who have emerged beautifully from this ‘okay’ sex life.
But the danger is that this satisfaction can also block the way to having a great sex life, where ‘okay’ becomes ‘fantastic’ and ‘just’ at times becomes ‘unusually special’.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SAY YOU JUST WANT TO FUCK?
But then we need to dare to express our deepest sexual fantasies and aversions towards each other. That you really want to have a nice fuck tonight instead of making love. Or that your partner’s way of caressing does not excite or even hurt you enough.
And we find this difficult. Because deep down we all think that sex should come naturally. That the relationship is so good that we don’t have to explain anything anymore. That taking off your clothes is enough for that hot lovemaking.
But often this is not the case. Look at Suus (45) and Freek (58). They met at work and have been together for six years now. He is a brother and she is a nurse. The first kiss was in the dressing room. Suus has an eye for the needs of her clients, but she does not dare to express her own sexual needs. She has had a number of less pleasant experiences in this area and therefore has difficulty with Freek’s touch. When he fingers her, it creates tension and hardly excites her.
Freek, in turn, grew up with a very dominant father and unconsciously learned that a real guy determines everything in the relationship.
When Suus tries to help Freek to stimulate the right places in her body, he feels his male honor is affected. Offended.
And so she says nothing more. This has been rippling on for a number of years. The sex is not optimal, but it is good enough for Suus to cum. Still, I hereby say. Because as we get older we need a higher stimulation to come, this is a biological fact. And we have to wait for the day when Suus is no longer able to have an orgasm. And then the ‘okay’ quickly changes to ‘not okay’
Oh yeah! By the way, Suus has a best friend with whom she shares everything, Joke. Well, everything… Sex is hardly ever talked about. It is not a theme, because Joke is also satisfied with her sex life with husband Dirk. Joke it is ‘just act normal, then you are crazy enough type’. She loves it when Dirk massages her for hours with those ethereal, biologically responsible oils, looks in the eyes, caresses her and whispers ‘sweetheart, I love you so much’ in her ears. And Dirk does this. He would love to scream in her ears “babe, turn around with your nice ass, I’m going to take you so hard”, but he doesn’t. He is a bit afraid of his own lust, does not dare to show it to Joke, but to the Mexican whore he visits once every two weeks.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SAY YOU JUST WANT TO FUCK?
Dirk is not strange by the way. The man just needs this ‘aggression’ in bed every now and then. Aggression means nothing more than ‘get moving’. It’s in our DNA and we just need to be able to respond to it now and then. Had he been able to do this with Joke, their sex life would probably have looked very different and the Mexican lady of pleasure would probably never have come into the picture.
THAT’S NOT INTIMACY
When you read this, you are probably under the impression that Joke longs for real intimacy and Dirk does not. Joke is often seen as the gentle, tender woman and Dirk the blunt dick with his dirty talk . We think that looking deep into each other’s eyes and saying ‘you are my everything’ and ‘I love you with all my heart’ , ‘we are two hands on one stomach ‘ is true intimacy. Fully exposing yourself and expecting the other to cherish and accept everything. That you know each other through and through and slowly become one together. Merge. Confluences. Not me and not you, but us. Nice and close. That is intimate.
WHAT IS REAL INTIMACY THEN
Let’s deal with this right away. This folks, that’s not intimacy! Real intimacy is revealing who you really are and what you really want, regardless of what the other thinks about it. Intimacy is the realization that we only came into this life and will go alone. That we will never sail the same ship, but only our own ship, side by side as long as we both want to. That we never ‘give’ ourselves to the other, but always remain our own. Only then will the ultimate experience become possible, of two separate ‘selves’ that together reach a divine orgasm. Intimacy is that Dirk can say that he wants hard sex on Tuesday and Joke tender sex on Wednesday. That Suus likes it better if Freek gently stimulates her G spot instead of her clit and Freek does not see this as an attack on his masculinity. That is intimacy. And that, that is hard work at times. For a lifetime.
Because hearing that your partner sometimes wants to try a daring position or wants to see you in a trashy outfit, or doesn’t like your actions in bed, or worse, maybe painful, can be very threatening. We find it hard to bear these feelings and so we quickly call the other person to order or start attacking. We would rather fight with each other than with our own insecurities. And so everything stays with the old and the normal. Also in bed.
AS IF STUNG BY A WASP
I remember my (now) ex once revealed to me that 69 position actually hardly stimulated her and that she only did this for me. In essence, this was a very intimate revelation. A brave revelation. But I couldn’t appreciate it that way at the time. All I heard was: you are boring in bed.
I felt very hurt and reacted as if stung by a wasp. The sex didn’t work out that time, and I fear my reaction has kept her from further intimate revelations in this vulnerable area. We were doomed to our ‘normal’ repertoire.
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