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She hardly dares to speak up, but Vera (35) no longer feels any desire for her partner. When it once started so fiery. As it turns out, she’s not alone.

Psychology in Theater
Psychology In Theater
drs. Misha Blom (with interpretation by dr. David Blom) – psychologists and theater makers

He looks at me with those big puppy eyes. I just pretend it does something to me, but inside I think “Jesus, guy, rip my clothes off, be a guy.”

Yes, I long for the time when Rutger undressed me with his eyes. That he grabbed me tight and pulled me onto your lap. I felt attractive and admired. As I admired him.


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Rutger lived his life the way he wanted to. But that gradually changed our relationship. When things started to get really serious between us, everything suddenly got complicated. I became a sort of reservoir for all his psychological defects. Behind that big man, the little boy suddenly appeared. Rutger was terribly afraid that I would abandon him.

All unprocessed shit from his childhood suddenly surfaced. And what I didn’t want at all happened… I became kind of a mother, a sister. To cry on. To talk to. And my libido dropped below freezing. Now we haven’t had sex for over 8 months. Everything has become a routine. Every day is the same. We still touch, but there is no sexual energy behind it.

I love Rutger very much. More than anyone else in the world. But I sometimes notice that my eyes are drawn to men who resemble the Rutger of the past.

From the moment we moved in together everything changed. And however we tried to get the spark back, to no avail. We went to sex fairs and bought toys. We watched exciting sex movies together. We went to a therapist. But it just didn’t feel free anymore, no more casual. Now I am often happy when he is gone, and I have the house to myself.


I walk around full of doubts: is this what I want? Such a spent, sexless marriage? I am only 35 years old; do I sign up for this? Should we give each other another pleasure? When I bring it up to Rutger, he will walk away screaming. And I don’t want that either. What should I do?’

What Vera describes does not stand alone. Many women get less sex drive the longer the relationship lasts, and as a rule this phrase is a lot lower than men anyway.

This has to do with the fact that the female lust and arousal, unlike in men, often does not come as an ‘urge’ from within, but rather as a reaction to what happens, to the circumstances, to the dynanic with the partner. In other words, a man naturally has a desire for sex, in a woman that desire must be fed .

In a nutshell, a woman must feel desired, attractive, sensual and unique in order to be aroused. And, she needs a partner who will continue to make an effort to love, conquer and covet her .


And the latter, dear men and (feminine) women, is often a bit lacking. Not so much in the beginning, when we, as a ferociously attractive version of ourselves, as powerhouses and princes on the white horse if you like, come into her life paraded, but certainly soon after, when it all seems to be ‘cake and egg’. have become, and our easygoing nature is given free rein 😉

Anyway, to keep your spirits up, here’s some fuel to keep the fire burning.

We spoke to hundreds of women with dead lust and searched the scientific literature. We came up with 5 ‘lust killers’, which we would like to share with you. They are going to help you turn the tide.

Let me start by clearing up a common misunderstanding. Intimacy, warmth, closeness and security… they are, contrary to popular belief, neither necessary nor sufficient for women’s lust to arise. Many women experience the opposite, namely that comfort and safety come at the expense of lust. And – also tellingly: many do feel a sexual spark when someone other than their own ‘safe and trusted’ partner pays attention to them.


Love researcher Jack Morin (1995) specifies four cornerstones of eroticism: desire, crossing boundaries and prohibitions, seeking power and overcoming ambivalence. Clearly, these things have little to do with predictability and convenience. They make it clear that a certain ‘stimulating’ lack of clarity or fear can actually have a very erotic effect. It is also not surprising that a temporary friction or break can ignite the flame in many dead relationships.

Probably the “optimal” lust lies somewhere between the extremes of reassuring closeness on the one hand and thrilling ambivalence and fear on the other. Both ends are detrimental to lust. Too much predictability and intimacy lead to boredom, too much experimentation leads to alienation and emptiness.

Well, so much for the theory. Now the lust killers for the woman, and then the recipe to keep feeding them (together).

Too nice’

Many women report that their steady relationship has robbed sex of its arousal by making it ‘compulsory’. Like Valerie, they found sex exciting when it was still ‘forbidden’ or ‘exciting’. For many, sex has simply become an obligation, which they fulfill without much desire.


Too sparse

Almost all women see the loss of romance as the cause of the loss of lust. With the arrival of stability, ‘courtship’ often came to an end; the subtle touches and gestures, the sensual eye contact, the kisses, subtle build-up, the foreplay… they disappeared.

Sexual advances often become too direct, too lazy, or too blunt – think of a simple grip on the breasts or a comment like ‘shall I come and poke you tonight?’ It is interesting that these behaviors were often experienced as exciting in the beginning.

As an extension of this, sex is often perceived as too mechanical – although effective when it comes to achieving an orgasm, but above all very boring.


To ‘we’

Almost all women whose lust has passed away indicate that they still feel too little of an ‘self’. The priority lies with the partner and / or the family, and no longer with individual friendships and interests. This loss of independence is very de-erotic.

Too unkempt

Many women point to the reduced effort both themselves and their partner put in to remain physically attractive.


Many feel themselves ‘fat’ or ‘sexless’ and insist on darkening, wearing a T-shirt or in certain positions during sex (not on top) to reduce discomfort with their own body. Interestingly, the reassurance of one’s own partner hardly changes anything, it is often not believed or trusted. Recognition of other men (for example the construction workers around the corner) can actually give a good feeling.

But also the loss of attractiveness of the partner, in the form of obesity, unkempt hair, tired reddish eyes, an unhealthy complexion, neglected clothing, bad breath and more; it is a real pleasure killer.

Too many ‘sexless’ roles


Many women find it almost impossible to see themselves in a sexy light, beyond the shadow of the many ‘sexless’ roles and responsibilities as partners, mothers and professionals.

For many sex is no longer a priority and for others it has even become too much ‘work’; work that they simply cannot ‘have with it’ anymore. They prefer masturbation as a sexual outlet.


For almost all women, the sexless roles compete with their role as lovers and diminish lust. They find it difficult to switch from one role to another, especially from mother to ‘sexy lover’ and vice versa.

In addition, mothers with young children can also feel ‘over-touched’; at the end of the day, they prefer “space” and “time for themselves” to the love and sexual touch of their partner.

Perhaps it is inevitable that the appetite decreases. And there is nothing wrong with that either. But feel free to be inspired by the list of ‘lust killers’ to keep fueling the fire. For example, keep nurturing and developing yourself as a ‘sexual being’, keep working on individuality and independence in your relationship, and replace the burnt out sexual routines and scripts. Renew, deploy and enrich <3

What often does not work is to look for a deep relational conflict as a cause for the waning lust. This is often a waste of time, or worse, harmful.


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