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What is the difference between loving and being in love?

Ten years ago I read “The Cheetah” by Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa. In this novel, a phrase marked me forever: “Angelica was in love with him but she didn’t love him.” She hit me and never left me although it took me a while to really understand the meaning. So what’s the difference between loving and being in love?

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What is the difference between loving and being in love?

I have already done several articles on the subject, which I will complete with this one. Nevertheless I invite you to read: the difference between love and the state of love as well as the difference between love and passion.

In books, in television, in cinema, in songs… love is everywhere. Finally, in truth, it is nowhere. Indeed, the love that we see in all sauces is romantic love, also called passion love or love state. And it can’t last a lifetime. The very foundation of this love passion lies precisely in its ephemeral side.

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Romantic love, passionate love makes you dream because it represents an ideal.

Moreover, all the authors – however brilliant they may have been or would they have been – spoke only of passion and (almost) never of the true love that is built up over time. Well, they did, but still in negative terms. When we talk about the love that is built in movies or books, we are dealing with a love that fades over time, boring. Often, moreover, the subject of the story will deal with a passionate adultery – the hero or heroine rediscovers “love” with a lover full of madness while he (she) was mortally bored with her secure husband(s).

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Authors and romantic love (What is the difference between loving and being in love?)

The great poets and writers have all ever written about love. At least that is what we think. In truth, they wrote about passion.

You only have to look at a few quotes from famous authors to realize that they all talk about passion and almost never about love:

We should always be in love. That’s why you should never get married.
Oscar Wilde

In this quote, Oscar Wilde evokes the fact of being in love and marriage in a paradoxical construction. Marriage #Stateinlove. The love that we build and take care of over the years would therefore be incompatible with any passion. And I think I pretty much agree with that. For me, love can start with passion. And the passion itself can reappear from time to time (when there is a long absence of the other for example).

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For a love to be unforgettable, chance must come together from the first moment.
Kundera Milan (What is the difference between loving and being in love?)

Should love necessarily have its origin in passion?

Culturally, in France (and more generally in the West) and at present, it would seem that this is the case. It is difficult to imagine or accept to form a couple with a person who has not filled our stomachs with twirling butterflies. And yet, we have never had so many divorces in our society!

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« During a trip to India, (…) I asked the guide about his private life. (…) My guide lived with a woman, had children and was very happy with it. Everyone also told me that here, unlike us Westerners, we did not marry out of love: the so-called love marriage concerned only those who could do higher education and meet in universities, or who worked in the city. It was therefore reserved for wealthy circles. Usually, the conjugal alliance was an alliance of families, but they were anxious to give the spouses some leeway. Starting from this observation, I allowed myself more personal questions about the duration of the marriage of the man, his children, ect… before getting straight to the point: “And you, you love your wife?” Offended burst, punctuated by a burst of laughter: “What a question! But yes, of course! ». – Yet, didn’t you tell me that you hadn’t made a love marriage? – Yes, but love for us represents a project, a family, and not just an attraction like at home! ». (Page 31)

So love / be in love: do you now see the difference? (What is the difference between loving and being in love?)

At a time when everyone dreams of passion and stars full of eyes, many have forgotten the very essence of love: trust, respect, acceptance, compromises, habits, knowledge of the other, communication, family .

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Stendhal, on the other hand, talks about crystallization. The crystallization of love would allow the relationship to last because every fear, every doubt but also every happiness revives this love. Crystallization is completely linked to the imagination, it allows to sublimate the other and also, to cling to memories when the couple beats from the wing.

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In a romantic relationship we do not loseour heads, we remain ourselves whatever happens in mutual respect. Even if the beginning of the relationship may be based on love at first sight, this ephemeral passion can, and fortunately, give way to love, the true.

Love is lasting feeling based on the real and not fantasized knowledge of the loved one. We see the other as he is with his qualities and his defects. There is no idealization and fantasy: reality remains as it is.

The non-distinction between love and the state of love is at the origin of many ailments in the couple, even, separations and divorces.

Indeed, I realize since the time I created parlerdamour.fr that a lot of people think they no longer love the other as soon as the passion fades. To be in love is to feel, to love is to decide.

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