Do I still like it?
“Do I still love him?” Question from Vincent
Let me explain.
I am 36 years old. My partner too.
At the time I met her I was in a relationship. She first came out with one of my acquaintances. (I made the presentations . while I had a crush on her, but being loyal (or con?) in love, I did not lift a finger to seduce her.) When they separated, I got closer to her. (I had become single in the meantime).
We have been together for 7 years now. During these 7 years a lot has happened. She had an apartment, I too, offered to rent a set. We have been living under the same roof for 4 years now. But these days everything is getting complicated..
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Since she told me about her need/desire to have a baby, I’m … lost. I first made the monumental mistake of talking to her about baby. To which she reacted very positively. I do not.
I then found myself in a very psychologically complex situation (in my opinion). I did not accept my request at all.
And since that day, the more she projects herself into this desire for a baby that I have more or less generated, the more I feel like I love her less and less.
I consulted a psy thinking that my lack of self-confidence and a fear of committing myself veiled the reality of my feelings for her. But it didn’t help me. Finally, I consulted about 3 months. ( Do I still like it? )
I loved him.
And there … I don’t know.
Everything I liked about her doesn’t appeal to me that much anymore… I spend my time telling myself “she’s not so beautiful”. Not terrible with the hair raised. I do not like when she makes this grimace, I want (just want to the precision) to slap her … how can it be that what we loved becomes what irritates us .
And then I open my eyes at times, I tell myself that I do not like its “public” facet at all. I mean, in public, she’s shy (it’s said to be coldness in everyone’s eyes, or detachment itself). Before I did with it. Although we do not have a hyper-developed social life. But now I’m frankly struggling. I look forward in public to being at the time when we will be in private.
History that it becomes “normal” again.
all this is disjointed, I’m sorry. I would love her so much, and not move on. But I feel like I don’t know anymore even if I liked her one day . When she’s at work and calls me in the evening, I force myself a little bit to answer. Sometimes not, but it happens. I’m not unhappy when she doesn’t call me. ( Do I still like it? )
I quite apprehensive about the day of her return (she often goes abroad for her job) I always wonder how it’s all going to end … are we going to argue? Or not? (we argued a lot in 4 years of living together, and even before living together). And often in relation to carnal relationships.
I have often criticized him quite vigorously for the fact that we have hardly any reports. 2 a month at most. And again… If anything happens, it’s that I wanted her and I set up the situation to make it happen.
She says she has no desire for me, that it’s not my fault … I think now that all this has damaged me. More than a little. A lot. I think it damaged us. It did not help that I reproach her on this subject and blame her. In hindsight, I tell myself that it sealed our intimate life under a leaden screed. Now I complete myself in this unhealthy situation . ( Do I still like it? )
I take refuge in work. Rather than spending time with her, I often prefer to work. She reproaches me for that. Which I can understand.
But then the apartment purchase projects that we have, and to which I bend a little and for which I am moderately motivated. Or not motivated. Or rather it depends on the days, it’s really something that worries me. As for spending time, even 2 days, with her, I realized this weekend that it also worries me.
So baby projects. That seems inconceivable to me. At times I make up my mind, I tell myself why not, but I get scared, I feel unable to take care of a child. Especially since I will take care of it alone from time to time if it happens, given the work she does … I don’t feel ready. Recently, she asked me if she could stop the pill . ( Do I still like it)
I took my most beautiful dazed look and I replied “uh … I’m not ready… She said, “Are you thinking?” It would be nice if I stopped in the coming months right? »
And Sunday night huge argument. She tells me that she can’t stand meanymore. That I changed That she doesn’t like me much anymore. Almost more.
I pass you the bullying and harassment of all kinds that we exchanged. It is quite impressive the grievances that one can have towards the other in these situations and the wickedness that one can show reciprocally. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, if it’s all the better or if I’m afraid of losing it. I feel like my emotions are plunged between a thick London fog and a screed of pollution that keeps everything out for fear that it will all hurt me very badly when it comes out.
Do I still like it?
I was alone for 2 years before being in a relationship with her, I remember perfectly what it is, and it was hard. very hard. I don’t want to go through that again. No social life, no friends, always alone for everything.
It taught me how to manage loneliness and get used to it, but it made me quite embittered too.
I spend a lot of time imagining myself with others. To live lighter things. To be loved, to receive tenderness and to give it, without thinking. It all became very complicated with my current half.
what to do?
I feel like I missed everything. I
do not know if there is anything left to save, nor if I want it. ( Do I still like it)
So first no, you didn’t miss everything. Even if your relationship were to break out, you would have lived with this woman a beautiful story. History that will have built you and that has made you the being that you are today. So you have nothing to regret.
Several problems arise in your words:
1) This application for a child ( Do I still like it )
It is true that it is difficult to understand why you took the first step with regard to this desire for a child when you say it yourself, you do not feel ready. Maybe it was a sudden impulse, or did you do this to persuade yourself that you felt responsible and happy in your relationship to the point of wanting a child of this union. And I think the second hypothesis is the right one.
However, this initiative has proved you wrong. You say “the more she projects herself into this baby desire that I have more or less generated, the more I feel like I love her less and less.” We can analyze this sentence simply: the fear of having a child terrorizes you so much that your love for your partner diminishes by imagining a family life.
Personally, I think the problem is deeper. I don’t think you’re not ready to have a child, I do think you don’t feel ready to have a child with her. It is terrible to say and hear after so many years of living together but sometimes love runs out of steam and there is no point in blowing on it to rekindle the spark.
2) The love you have for your partner ( Do I still like it )
Beyond this childish story, there is a real problem of feelings. “Everything I liked about her doesn’t appeal to me that much anymore. I spend my time telling myself “she’s not so beautiful”. Not terrible with the hair raised. I do not like when she makes this grimace, I want (just want to the precision) to slap her . how can it be that what we loved becomes what irritates us . The end of a story is often written in this way. The other has become “other” in our eyes.
You loved a woman who, in your eyes, changed. You meet someone, something happens, this little thing that you can’t put a word on. We find the person extraordinary, beautiful, generous, we offer him all our admiration and then, one fine day, we wake up next to a person who is ultimately foreign to us. The image is strong and caricatured but that is nevertheless what is happening. You don’t find her so pretty anymore, you invent flaws for her, she annoys you for a yes or a no to the point that you sometimes want her not to be there.
3) Fear of loneliness and renewal
You say you don’t want to relive loneliness. However, you do not only evoke loneliness in love but loneliness in general. Social loneliness. There is nothing more unhealthy than staying with a person for fear of being alone. Most of the time, it is an unconscious act but I have the feeling that this fear clings to it in spite of you. Open up more, make connections, do activities.
You shut yourself in your work to avoid it in a certain way, but you could also take the opportunity to register for sports, theatre, dance classes… Activities that would allow you to meet people and leave your worries aside a little.
4) The intimate and carnal life ( Do I still like it )
« 2 per month at most. And again… If anything happens, it’s that I wanted her and I set up the situation to make it happen. She says she has no desire for me, that it’s not my fault … This is not normal. The intimate and carnal life is a key element in a couple, it is often said that this is what differentiates the feeling of love from friendship.
The intimate and carnal life is the fusion of two bodies, the carnal passion, the shared fulfillment. Few men would have put up with this as long as you! Two reports per month??? And your friend who admits to you from the outset that she has no desire for you. It’s very castrating and demeaning (and what could be worse than being told “it’s not your fault”). Now that she wants a child, she may want you more… (sorry for the irony)…
If she doesn’t make an effort, I don’t see why you should make any effort.
Be careful though.( Do I still like it )
That said, if love is no more, it can come back. Having already experienced this feeling, we can sometimes bounce back even if it remains exceptions. To tell you a little about my story, while I had been living with my friend for three and a half years, I reached a point of no return (at least, that was my feeling). There was no real reason: I could no longer stand his little hissing, his tics when he squirmed his hair with his finger, when he sang in the shower, I found him less beautiful, he irritated me to never pay attention to his outfit, I sometimes found him badly polite in public… In short, nothing annoyed me.
And it took me a little break to realize that finally I missed all these little things that I was off. And above all, I could not find this complicity that I have with him and I became aware of it. Now everything is back in order and we are living the beautiful story I have always dreamed of. If I confess this example to you, it is not to tell you: go for it, you are made to be together, but rather to tell you to pay attention to your decisions.
However, given that with her work you do not see each other all the time, I tell myself that you do not really miss her when she is far from you and that today you take advantage of this absence.
First, I would tell him everything I have on my heart about the child. If she loves you, she has to accept the fact that you don’t feel ready.
“And Sunday night huge argument. She tells me that she can’t stand me anymore. That I changed That she doesn’t like me much anymore. Almost more. Apparently there are two of you who can no longer stand yourself, which does not help matters because neither of you is pushed to make efforts to “win back the other”. She tells you almost no longer love you. Why would she want a child from you in these cases? I am happy to say brutal things during an argument, but under the blow of anger, certain truths can emerge. Finally, you have the same feelings towards each other: the feeling that the other has changed and no longer loves it. ( Do I still like it )
My question is: whatdrives you to stay with her if not the habit and fear of loneliness? (which are not valid reasons). I think that unconsciously you are consolidating yourself in this relationship because you are afraid of having to start all over again elsewhere, with someone else, maybe you do not feel capable of it? However, you feel the desire to look elsewhere, which proves that you are reaching saturation.
I think you’re both going straight into the wall: that she wants to stay with you to have a child and that you want to stay with her to have pseudo personal stability. Except that you are unhappy in your relationship, and that it is understandable. Sometimes you have to know how to make decisions that hurt rather than lock yourself in a golden prison.
Can you imagine if you had a child? One could almost predict the separation a year later. I think your friend should ask herself about that as well. If she thinks she doesn’t “love you anymore” and can’t stand you anymore, why does she want a child with you? Does she think she’s filling the void with a baby? To no longer think about your couple who no longer satisfies her?
Finally, you say you have been in therapy for three months. It is good and courageous to accept that we are facing things. But it’s a marital therapy that you should have done. ( Do I still like it)
In my opinion, you absolutely must have a real conversation, you calmly pose and tell each other your turn everything you have on your heart: listening to the other, without cutting off his speech, without screaming and without sighing. If you think there is still little hope, get help by taking therapy together. Unfortunately, I believe that deep down, you no longer want to. And you no longer want to because you gradually realize that the love you had for him disappears, or even disappears.
I do not know if I have been very clear. I am not a magician alas, if I had had powers I would have sent you both a good dose of love. The reality is more cruel, I also have no magical advice and maybe I’m a little tough but when it doesn’t work anymore, it doesn’t work anymore… And you have to stop better before you get to hate yourself.