Non violent communication in the couple: instructions for use

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Non violent communication in the couple

As everyone knows: being in a couple is far from being Club Med! Indeed, two different people must manage to find a common path to build their fulfillment. We try to communicate as best we can, but it is clear that we often find ourselves facing a wall: our couple does not get along and do not understand each other! What to do? What can I say? This is what we will develop in this article, because non-violent communication in the couple is possible!

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The precursors of non violent communication

First of all, you should know that there are two precursors of nonviolent communication: the American psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg and the Belgian psychotherapist Thomas d’Ansembourg.

If you are facing communication problems in the couple: read the books of the two specialists! You will understand the basis of human relationships and you will be able to open up to the logic of your partner. Sometimes it only takes a few things to change human relationships.

What is the interest of non violent communication in the couple?

The CNV (non-violent communication) will promote the quality of the relationship in the couple. Indeed, if you manage to speak with the feeling of being listened to, you will be more serene and ready to listen to the other. If you can express your needs, it is obvious that the needs of the other will be welcomed with open arms. This will make it possible to develop greater trust and a mutual desire to grow and evolve together. The goal is to create a security in the couple that will strengthen your love. Domination and manipulation will no longer be necessary, because respect will have become the new rule.

Non violent communication in the couple: A 4-step process

By identifying the feelings that are in us, we will reformulate them in need to formalize a request:

1. Observe and welcome without judging

When your partner comes to talk to you about a problem, you will listen to him and welcome the words without issuing judgment. The need to speak is important to everyone and listening is necessary. If you start giving your opinion and expressing your disagreement: it’s a wasted effort! By welcoming the word of the other, you put yourself in a state of empathy: you put yourself in the sneakers of your interlocutor. It’s just about listening and hearing without giving your opinion.

2. Put words to feelings

The second step is to take the word of your interlocutor to rephrase it with your own words to confirm the understanding. If you feel sad, you can say, “I feel sad, are you sad, is that the case?” By speaking in terms of “I”, you are able to express your own feelings while listening to the other.

3.Understand the needs coming from feelings. (Non violent communication in the couple)

When you come to understand the feelings of the other, you will try to understand their needs.

When you don’t bother to use NVC, you put everything in one bag and you can’t differentiate feeling from need. However, they are two completely different things that are important. It is impossible to be able to dissociate them if we do not make an effort to listen and empathize. When listening to someone speak, always try to distinguish between the two states.

4. Make clear requests

If your partner is suffering and you realize that he /she needs listening and attention, because sadness seems to invade him from all sides: make a request! Indeed, to be able to meet the need for listening, you need more calm in your couple. So you can tell him: I hear what you say and I wish I could meet your need, but I need that we both meet more often. It is a clear request that takes into account the request of your partner.

Implementation of non violent communication in the couple

The CNV must be a common mode of communication in the couple otherwise misunderstandings will create hearing impaired people! I advise you to get into the habit of booking special moments and doing couple activities to find yourself. Indeed, between work, children and the outside world: we move away and we get lost! The couple is a fragile entity that requires care, presence and unconditional love.

We can’t love in shouts and arguments: it’s the door to remoteness.

Learn to be with your partner as you would like us to be with you. Don’t like people talking to you badly? Do arguments hurt you? Do you put off unspoken? So, act accordingly and preserve your relationship as a gemstone. Love requires to be maintained at all times and in all circumstances.

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