I’m no longer sure of my feelings
“I’m no longer sure of my feelings” Aurélie
“Hello Léa!
In fact, I need advice… So I’m 17 years old and my boyfriend goes on his 19 it’s been 1 year and 2 months that we are together, he is my first love. I know we are young and have life ahead of us, but we have already made our plans for the future…
Finally here is the problem: Since the beginning of this year 2014 where is disputed at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, it can be big disputes as small, I think the reason is that we “really discover”, that is to say that the defects arise and that we see that it in the other.
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For example, my boyfriend is extremely jealous and possessive (example: if a guy comes to tell me only hi or goes to ask me qqch for classes, it’s an argument assured, or if I have the misfortune to ask him to go out with my friends for a drink), at first I said that it did not bother me because he was very afraid that I would leave him for it but now, it becomes really stuffy.
There are other flaws in him that I can no longer stand, for example, he always wants more, his father bought him a car and now he wants a motorcycle! I really find him “kid”, he doesn’t respect his parents (while they give them everything), he hangs out with 16-year-old guys who only do bullshit. ( I’m no longer sure of my feelings )
And for his part, he finds that I am selfish and that when we go out together (in other words every time I go out since he always wants to accompany me otherwise it is the crisis and makes me feel guilty by telling me that he is too afraid that I will deceive him and that he will cry all evening), I do not pay enough attention to him.
In addition, at the time of today, I really wonder about my feelings, we argue constantly, he tells me himself that he loves me but that he can no longer argue but he does not understand that I want to have my freedom (I think it is normal in a couple), I would like to do stuff alone with my friends without having to say where I go, who there will be, to which I will return,… And so I also tell myself that I’m still young, in a year I’m going to university, I’m going to meet new people and I don’t want to stay locked up, I want to enjoy my youth and I’m afraid that it will be an obstacle.
There is another problem too, he has already tried to commit suicide (well I’m not sure it was true or if he was just trying to attract attention) following an argument we had where I told him that I thought I would leave him, and when he get upset (often for a stupid thing) he no longer controls himself, I’m afraid he will hit me one day… My mother tells me that I have to be careful, she is not reassured and makes me question my feelings by telling me to think about later, if I will be able to live with her seizures. And in fact what prevents me from leaving him too is the fear that he will commit suicide…
There is also something that bothers me, is that I am entering my final year and he has not even finished his second in professional (in Belgium we call it that I do not know what it corresponds to in France :p), he enrolled in a school with an entrance exam, he says that he will change, that he will start to study really but he had already said that last year and it did not work, so I have a little trouble believing in him but I really want him to succeed in his life, and I know that if I leave him, he will give up and let himself go.
In addition, he still loves me a lot (despite the fact that he says he can no longer stand my character) and I don’t want to hurt him and he also still has qualities that I like about him like the fact that he is always there for me when things go wrong, I feel like there’s only on him that I can count on him, and that I know he always will be, as well as the fact that he loves me, I want to say that I lack a lot of confidence in myself and that someone really loves me for what I am whether it’s makeup-up or not, jogging etc. is great for me.
Voila, I don’t know what to do anymore, the questions “I still love him?” and “should I leave him?” remain in my head. I think an outside opinion could help me to see more clearly, it will be very nice to help me because I feel really lost! :/ In my opinion he loves me too much, so much so that he can’t even trust me anymore and it stifles my feelings, after I don’t know. »
Hello Aurélie,
First of all you are absolutely right: freedom is VITAL if we want the couple to last! It is quite normal that you feel the need to be with your friends without your boyfriend. Being together does not mean being the same person. The phrase “one”, not an adage, to be applied! When you go out, it’s normal to tell him who you are and where you’re going to reassure him, but he doesn’t have to control your life. If he really loves you, he should be able to understand it. Does he never see his friends alone on his side?
If you continue like this you go straight into the wall: you are unhappy, too. You only reproach yourself and forget the essential: love.
Suicide blackmail, on the other hand, is something very common among young men but you don’t have to care. It remains blackmail, he will not act otherwise, he would not talk to you openly. Telling someone “I tried to commit suicide” is blackmail when it’s a way of making the other feel guilty and it works almost every time. except that… if he had really tried, he wouldn’t have told you for fear of scaring you, disappointing you or hurting you.
It really has to change otherwise it will lose you, you will not be able to bear it indefinitely. I have the impression that it lacks a lot of maturity and that on the other hand, for your young age you have lived. Try to calmly explain to him that you love him but that you can no longer live like this, that you need to feel free and that with him you feel suffocated, like in prison. Tell him that if he loves you he must accept you as you are and not as he would like you to be. ( I’m no longer sure of my feelings )
In any case Aurélie never stays with anyone because of blackmail, whatever it is. If you don’t feel good with him anymore, act honestly accordingly. You are young, you have all your life ahead of you, do not bother with a man who thinks only of him (because, a man who prevents you from going out with your friends, who cries as soon as you do not do what you want, who blackmails you to suicide for nonsense… Is clearly a selfishman ). He is certainly not aware of it; I repeat, he is young, he must mature if he wants to hope for a stable relationship.
Finally, don’t devalue yourself. You write “he loves me for who I am, even without makeup”… Don’t worry about it, a man in love remains a man in love and if it’s not him, it will be another. When you wake up in the morning by his side, he is not wearing his hair, his breath remains to be desired and his eyes are half closed, you still love him. That’s love, we don’t really care about the aesthetic characteristics in the end! I have never seen a man criticize his wife because of her naturalness (without makeup)!!
In the meantime, take a step back and explain your feelings calmly while being frank: if he does not make efforts, you will not be able to stay with him. Love, the relationships of couples are built in pairs, there is no reason for efforts to be made in one and only direction.
Yours,
Leah
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