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Where does deception begin in a couple

Where does deception begin in a couple? At first glance, at the first message exchanged, at the first kiss? Yes, is kissing deceiving? Because the sequel, the intimacy, for all couples or almost, is deceiving. Deception, infidelity, adultery are generally associated with the physical act with intimate relationships shared with someone other than their “official” partner whose life we share.

So what is the real situation? Is it different from one couple to another? Are the boundaries fixed or does the cursor move according to people, sensitivities, degree of commitment and era? Where does deception begin in a couple, overview.



Where does deception begin in a couple?

First and foremost, deception begins from the moment when the limits established within the couple are exceeded. If each couple defines its own limits, of what is authorized, bearable, prohibited or intolerable within it, by a moral or recorded contract, the crossing of these barriers is equivalent to an act of deception, infidelity or adultery. And this, depending on the degree of commitment of the couple.

For adultery in fact, this term prevails only if the couple has made official vows of marriage. Otherwise, we will speak of deception or infidelity, and this falls within the framework of a moral or tacit contract between the two partners, without official value, except those of respect and sincerity that we normally devote to the other.

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What does deceiving mean?

By definition, to deceive is to mislead someone by lying, concealment, cunning. In the context of the couple, it is associated with the notion of fidelity. To be faithful would be to have romantic relationships only with the loved one and to respect the commitment made to him to be exclusively attached to him.

What are romantic relationships? If the feelings are absent, is there deception? And is it necessarily physical, carnal?


We also talk about commitment and exclusivity, is this the case for all couples?

The special case of non-exclusive couples

Before going any further, it should be remembered that for some couples, called free, libertines, swingers or who practice polyamory, the notion of fidelity, and therefore of deception, is not the same.

For these couples, it is either possible to love several people, and therefore to share the same thing with each of them, or to consider physical relationships as an independent element of the couple, which does not engage feelings. So some people love several and therefore make love indifferently to their various partners.

And others sleep with several people, sometimes with their official partner at the same time, without this calling into question their couple and the commitment they have made. For them, the notion of couple is detached from the notion of fidelity in the sense in which we conceive it in the majority. For these couples, therefore, there is no deception in the couple, physically speaking.


Where does deception begin in a “traditional” couple?

Fidelity is a value, so not everyone has the same definition. It is necessary to have a serious discussion on the subject in his couple, so that everyone exposes his point of view on fidelity and on the limits not to be exceeded. The couple must agree, otherwise trust is impossible.

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Emotional deception or infidelity

Are we responsible for everything that happens in our head? And above all, should you tell your partner everything or is it normal to have potentially unspeakable thoughts in your secret garden?

Is thinking of another person deceiving?

We would tend to say no if it is a dream – involuntary therefore – or fantasy for a celebrity. But what if you start thinking of an ex, a co-worker, a man crossed every day in the subway?

Knowing the person often seems to be the barrier not to be crossed. Thinking of an unattainable or unknown person, it passes. But the co-worker, the pretty intern, her ex, it’s less acceptable. And accepted?


Making love by thinking of someone else?

It happens between you… And you! What happens in your brain at that moment is up to you. Admittedly, it can be confusing to think of someone other than the one with whom you are sharing an intimate moment. If this is not strictly speaking deceiving, perhaps this is an opportunity to ask yourself the right questions: is this a fantasy? Someone you can’t forget? Was the hug disappointing? Or are you questioning your current relationship?

Where does deception begin in a couple

Is it deceiving to allow oneself to be dredged?

From an emotional point of view, being dredged up, regardless of the context, is an open door. Let’s say that this is not deception strictly speaking, because you have done nothing wrong and you are not at the origin – and therefore not responsible – of the interest that is brought to you. In fact, it all depends on your behavior. Generally, pleasing is flattering to the ego, unless the person is heavy, vulgar, repulsive. If you are confident in your relationship or very much in love, there is little chance that you will pay attention to it. A “no thank you I’m not interested, I’m in a relationship” will be your answer. On the other hand, if the person is likely to please you physically and you need to be reassured about your power of seduction, it is not impossible that you let a little game of flirting settle in. Innocent, the game? Not really, and you know it.

What is a Cinderella solution?

Virtual infidelity

Deceiving virtually, is it possible? Born with our new modes of communication 2.0,virtual infidelity was not something that existed a few decades ago. But today, the multiplication of dating sites and applications, social networks, forums and groups of all kinds facilitate emotional rapprochement. You can live hundreds or thousands of miles away and have a special relationship with someone. How? Through messages, sending photos and videos, calls, visio, and all the climate created by this new mode of communication. We do not see each other, we do not touch each other,but we write to each other or we call each other constantly, we create a complicity and then we nourish a link, we even create a kind of virtual lack.

A new form of deception?

Emotional infidelity via the virtual has exploded in recent years and many couples are concerned by this new form of transgression. Can we talk about deception when we let ourselves be dredged virtually on Facebook or Instagram?


When we spend hours exchanging written messages with a former colleague, a college friend, whom we have not seen again, but who is part of our “virtual” life? How to consider this when this person becomes a confidante to whom we sometimes say more things than to the person with whom we are in a relationship?

Let’s say that the rules are broken and that we fall into deception when the confidences become statements, that the sweet words and the intimate photos are invited and that we let a notion of lack and therefore of ambiguity more than concrete settle.

So on the one hand we feel a little guilty, on the other hand we tell ourselves that we are not doing anything wrong, since this whole story is not real. But you have to be sincere with yourself. Yes, in practice, this is not infidelity in the classical sense of the word. But if you put yourself in the other’s shoes, you quickly realize that you wouldn’t like to stumble upon this kind of conversation. Basically, virtual infidelity is much deeper than it may be.

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Where does physical deception begin in a couple?

Degrees of physical infidelity


As has been said above, getting dredged is not our fault. But to let yourself be dredged and therefore to allow a game of seduction, it is different. This brings into what is called flirting. So yes, if you flirt with a person just to check your power of seduction or to get out of the routine, but without going any further, we can not talk about infidelity. But, if this flirtation suggests physical contact or a sentimental relationship,we switch to infidelity.


Do you let this person get closer to you, touch you? Did you dance together glued tight? And what about the games of glances and smiles supported?

Let’s be honest, flirting while we are in a relationship is putting a first step in infidelity for many. If it is often contextual, punctual and nothing happens afterwards, the fact remains that you have let a person seduce you. Your ego, surely… On the other hand, if it goes further, and the rapprochement becomes physical, then there, yes according to the codes of your couple, the deception is proven.

Is kissing deceiving?

For many, probably the majority, the answer is yes. Kissing is the first physical sign of intimacy and the kiss on the mouth is reserved for love, seduction, desire. And so as a couple, if you are not single and in a so-called exclusive relationship, your mouth should not touch someone else’s lips. Some make the distinction between the simple kiss on the mouth, the smack and the French kiss, with the tongue, longer and pressed, which leaves no doubt about what is happening. Kissing someone other than your partner is obviously not trivial. Again, each couple has its limits. For some, it is anecdotal, for others it is unforgivable.

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Where does deception begin in a couple

The ultimate physical deception: making love with another

The question does not arise, except for the “free” couples mentioned above. Having intimate relationships outside the couple is the act of highest treason for most couples. It went beyond all the permitted limits, it is to have accepted a degree of total intimacy with a person other than the one whose bed we share – and life – normally. For some, making love doesn’t matter so much. We sleep together but we are not really together is something that exists more and more. The sex has become commonplace, in the sense that it lends itself to {over}consumption. We make love more easily than we get into a relationship. That is a reality. But for all that, for couples, those who have taken vows of commitment and fidelity or at least who have confessed their feelings in love, total physical infidelity remains the strongest deception that can exist.


Is it more or less serious than emotional or virtual infidelity? Is it forgivable, can we recover from it? As with each example given, each pair has its tolerance threshold.

The best way to know when you’re overstepping the limits? Put yourself in the place of the other. And the adage that “don’t do to others – to the other here – what you wouldn’t like us to do to you” has never been more true

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