Fusional couple: strength or illusion?
The idyll of the fusional couple
It all starts with the famous love at first sight, the one that many dream of but that does not happen to all. Often, when we meet THE person, we say that the world around us stops spinning and that’s right. When we meet this person who capsizes our heart at first sight, we tend to go very fast afterwards: we move quickly together, we get married, we talk as a child.
In the eyes of others, everything seems to go much too fast, but for the couple in question, the notion of the future does not matter, the couple lives in the present. We are in fact dealing with a real lack of reflection and distancing. This lack of internal process is one of the causes of the addiction that will follow.
Are you a fusional couple?
What is meant by “fusional”. In psychoanalysis, “fusional” is said of a type of archaic relationship where subject and object are not distinguished. We are therefore on the side of excess, compulsive. Couples who are fusional will talk to you in these terms about their relationship “when we met it was obvious, we knew it RIGHT AWAY” “we are COMPLETELY CRAZY about each other”. In excess, I said.
The fusional bubble
At first, this bubble appears as a flawless happiness for the couple. What for? Because the inner emptiness is finally filled by a person, that person who suddenly appears as the expected miracle, as the supreme deliverance to free himself from loneliness, from the suffering of lack.
We draw a line under the pain of the past in no time, finally he/she has arrived, finally I will be able to be happy. But it’s not just that: when a couple is passionate, their sexuality is often intense. Fusional couple
This extraordinary sexuality serves for “narcissistic restoration”. Indeed, lovers feel alive, feel existing through each other, feel desired and loved, finally important for someone. This feeling certainly has something miraculous and magical but unfortunately, it only lasts a while. I refer you to my article on the stages of a couple.
Why is this a problem?
When the couple is fusional, it is always idyllic at first, but it rarely evolves in the desired direction. Indeed, a fusional relationship often settles on a ground of fragility and insecurity, lack of self-confidence, deep emotional deficiencies.
In such a couple, both partners will nurture the illusion that the other can love them as they need to be loved, that is, as a child, or even an infant.
And in this case, the suffering related to the addiction created will appear at one time or another: after a few weeks, a few months or even a few years.
Disillusionment in love
After a while, the feeling of being filled by the other will diminish. Then come disappointment, disillusionment, the feeling of being disappointed, of having made a mistake, sadness and boredom. The past anguish that had been filled by the other during the idyllic period is back making room again for anxiety, emptiness, the feeling of lack and especially the need to fill it again.
This often leads to extramarital situations: to find happiness, to regain that feeling of being loved and desired, many think that the only way is then to look for the solution elsewhere. Fusional couple
Others act differently, settling into a situation of submission: In order to intensify the dependence, to compensate for this huge lack, one of the partners will want to do everything possible to stay in a relationship with the other. How? He will do everything to be perfect in the eyes of his partner, to the point of changing himself totally to satisfy the desires and needs of the other. The opposite can also happen: to dominate the other, to demand of him that he be always more perfect, more loving, more available.
Thus, to keep the illusion of love, some abdicate to deny themselves, others choose to dominate. The consequence is the same: both partners are unhappy.
Passion makes you happy, even incredibly happy! Because it fills our inner voids, because it creates the illusion of unconditional and lasting love. But this heavenly state, when it ends, brings back to a decidedly brutal reality: stormy descent, like that of revelers, drugged and happy in the evening, who wake up with darkness in their eyes and hearts.
So yes, being a fusional couple can do good for a while, but in the long term, difficult to keep it intact.
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