Adultery: confess or not?

All the guys I’ve been out with have confessed to me that they had extramarital affairs before I met. Nice admission, nice honesty… whatever… We don’t necessarily want to know that in reality. The underlying questions are: What does he want to tell me about this transparency? Warn me not to worry if I find him in our bed with another? Swear to me that this was before, that he was not fulfilled in his previous relationship, but that with me, it’s different? Perhaps he does not want to say anything at all except tell me about his glorious past.

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I cheated once on two of my ex’s and both times I felt lamentable and pitiful. What did I do?

The first time ,I opted for honesty … supposedly. Because, what is called “honesty” in these moments, is only a rejection of one’s own guilt. We cry, we beg to forgive ourselves like a child who has committed a big stupidity. Since I had deceived her, I could not be as before. I felt dirty and ashamed. I needed to tell him, especially to be good with myself. (Adultery: confess or not)

But what happens once the terrible announcement is over is that the weight we were bearing now weighs on our friend’s shoulder. And that’s what we call selfishness. In the end, the romantic relationship always ends up, at one time or another, deteriorating because of this admission. Was it worth it? All this for a poor guy who liked us at the time but we have absolutely nothing to do with it?

The second time I left it. After reflection, I told myself that if I had had this adventure with this “Other”, it was simply because I no longer loved my companion. After three years of relationships, I had never made the slightest deviation. Only, three/four months before this gap, I realized that I liked it less, if at all. I no longer missed him when I was away from him, and no longer satisfied me with his presence. This gap sounded like an alarm in my head. It was time for the breakup. I never told him that I had deceived him. Why harm him even more? I am not a masochist. (Adultery: confess or not)

Otherwise, two of my close friends cheat on their respective buddies, from time to time. But will never admit to them.

So when we commit adultery, should we admit it or not?

A certain song by Guy Martel has the only refrain “never, never, never… ” when a famous French proverb repeats “confessed fault is half forgiven”. Two schools compete, which one to choose?

I will spare you all the redundant bio-social theories that explain to you by A + B the desires and impulses of men and women. Because in the end, it would not answer our question in any way. The whole thing is to be in agreement with oneself in the choice to admit adultery or not but especially to have enough distance to understand the reaction of his partner and the likely consequences that all this will have on your couple.

It seems to me that you will find the answer to this question by asking yourself about the moral contract you have made with your boyfriend. Where did you set the line? How far do you have the right to go? (Adultery: confess or not)

Also ask yourself what you are looking for in making this confession and especially why you committed adultery. Was it serious and long-lasting or was it just a drive gap? If the infidelity was accidental, your friend will have less trouble forgiving you. However, the trust he placed in you may take a hit. And then it will be up to you to win him back and prove to him that you will never do it again. Before admitting, we must be sure that we can accept the consequences, and this is often what we forget to anticipate.

The “concern” in all this is that an extramarital love story (or not) has the terrible power to make us know incredible moments, perhaps even the most intense of our lives, moments of ecstasy engraved forever, however short they might have been. What for? Because it is a moment of “absence”, moments out of time, far from all everyday life. Making love in the marital bed and defying the forbidden in the arms of another do not have the same taste. One is pure and sentimental, the other fiery and violent. But often the bill to pay is salty.

The advice I have to give you (and which are only advice) (Adultery: confess or not)

You cheated on your friend “accidentally”

It was the first time you succumbed to the charms of another. When you woke up, you felt inhabited by a demon named Guilt. You begged him to leave you alone but it takes more than that to Guilt who had decided to rot your life. I am not going to congratulate you for deceiving your darling but what happened has happened. Perhaps even this act allowed you to realize the intense love you have for your partner.

In my opinion, in this specific case, to confess is to run to the suicide of your couple. Because trust will be broken, maybe your boyfriend will want revenge and you will suffer like never before. Maybe he’ll even leave you right away. De-stigmatize. You spent the night with another, you had fun there (maybe not even!), and today you browse the forums in search of a charitable soul who will understand you. If you are aware that this is a lack of respect for the other, that you never want to repeat the thing again, that you would like to erase this moment from your mind, that you sincerely love your partner, you no longer have any reason to feel guilty. Everyone has the right to a small part of secret garden, yours has just gained a little ground. Getting the other into his garden is a very bad idea if you care about him. Yes, you remember that day when you promised yourself confidence and fidelity, eyes in the eyes, cheeks glued to your respective pillows and smiles to the ears. That day when you promised to tell yourself if one day, one or the other would make a gap (and Oh that this was unthinkable in reality at that time!). There are actions in our lives over which we do not have control, events that happen and leave as quickly but that have managed in a few hours to sow total discord. Don’t ruin your life for such small obstacles.

I have experienced this feeling and I know how unpleasant it is, how much it haunts our nights, our days, our thoughts. De-dramatizing is the only possibility to avoid the dramatic admission. Weigh the pros and cons carefully. Once you have discharged your guilt on the other, you will suddenly be in love with an awful remorse. And you will not be able to turn back, the machine will be set in motion and you will risk losing everything.

You regularly cheat on your friend (Adultery: confess or not)

Your infidelity takes the form of “phases” where you can’t help but look elsewhere. One could almost speak of pathology. This desire to always seduce and be seduced will cause the loss of your couple. Do you really love your partner? If so, the only advice I will give you would be to confess to him, to explain to him that it is stronger than you and to agree to go together to consult a doctor capable of defining the origin of this need for external desire.

If not, what else do you do with him?

You have a double life

Write on a paper what are the reasons for this double-life and then, what are the reasons that push you to stay with your current partner. Most of the time the reasons are marriage, children, family comfort in general or simply heavy weariness. Don’t you think you’re missing out on your sentimental life just to respond to an ideology that you don’t even believe in yourself anymore?

Either you confess to your partner and he will most certainly decide for you what you need to do.

Either you confess to your partner and he will accept to be the good pear that will wait for you in the evening when you return from your love troubles. Yes, it happens. But I doubt that you are really satisfied with the situation.

Either you continue: you feel perfectly well in this relationship and your selfishness, your fear or your hesitation force you not to decide. You have daily comfort and sexuality and passion often enough to relax.