My husband speaks badly to me and hurts me with his words
How to find the complicity of the beginnings in his couple?
Over time, the couple relationship changes. We move away, we communicate less, we get angry. Yet we still love ourselves… So how to put your couple back on track and find the complicity and laughter that made us fall in love?
Living better for two
We received a new question from a reader, namely: My husband speaks badly to me and hurts me with his words, what should I do? It is Aleks who looks into the question and answers Clara today.
My husband speaks badly to me and hurts me with his words: Question from Clara
Hello to the whole team,
My name is Clara, I am 31 years old and I have been in a relationship with M for 5 years. The first two years were idyllic, as in many couples I imagine. We did not yet live together, we saw each other very often (4 or 5 times a week) but not every day…
And then we took an apartment together and it started to get worse. Disputes for everything and nothing (cleaning, dishes, outings, money ). He makes me a lot of reproaches: I did not put this or that ingredient in the dish, I did the dishes badly, I ironed badly, I am boring… Basically my husband talks badly to me every day and frankly he hurts me with his words. Like “you’re paranoid” “you’re stupid or you do it on purpose” “never seen someone pocketed like that”…
I wonder if I’m too susceptible or if he really disrespects me?
I’m not all white, I may be too defensive or too skin-deep I don’t know. But I come to wonder if he still loves me because in his eyes I have the impression that nothing ever goes the way he would like.
So I wonder if there are things to do to reverse the trend and that my husband respects me more, no longer hurts me with his words as he does on a daily basis?
Thank you
Clara
My man speaks badly to me and hurts me with his words: Aleks’ answer
Dear Clara,
I will try to help you see more clearly in your situation, and I hope you will feel better.
First of all, I read in your testimony the construction of a couple.
5 years of couple, including 2 idyllic.
BEGINNING OF RELATIONSHIP
The beginning is always interesting and often seems perfect, we idealize the other, we make efforts to please him, and the birth of the couple is becoming clearer.
Each takes a step towards the other, shows itself under its best profile, and makes compromises. It’s quite a fun game in the early days.
Because of the affinities, everyone manages to articulate his attitude, his speech, so that the climate is warm, tender, and fusional.
Then come the projects, and in particular the famous question of when to live together which often leads to the same thing: moving in.
MY HUSBAND SPEAKS BADLY TO ME: LIFE HAS TWO
The beginning of a life for two in the same dwelling, is essential for many couples (although some make the choice to live separately to preserve their couple). The nest is built, everyone brings his stone to the building.
Conflicts are growing:
The place is common, everyone has preferences and habits, and it is more difficult to articulate them in the same environment.
Added to this is the routine. We then sometimes wonder if the feelings are still present, or if the other wants us as much.
It is important to have your individuality, to know what you really want, and in the couple, not to forget yourself.
I sense in your speech a lot of pain and empathy. But above all, you remember what the other person says or does. What do you think of those remarks and what would you like to say to him about them?
MY HUSBAND SPEAKS BADLY TO ME: EVERYDAY LIFE
In the couple’s relationship, not everything is all beautiful all pink certainly, but the most solid foundation in the middle of the two beings is trust, respect and communication.
Feeling listened to, heard in your desires, your questions, is essential.
On a daily basis, not forgetting oneself is difficult, but if the dialogue is not done, then you will suffer a present that you do not like.
Talking calmly with unambiguous simple words is essential for the message to get through well. The intonation, volume and choice of words mark the conversation.
Negativity doesn’t help: “you don’t do this or that”; it hurts and amplifies the dispute.
Personally, I would turn a finger on myself or lock myself into silence. In these kinds of moments you can feel belittled, and this does not allow the relationship to improve, on the contrary.
You explain that your spouse is in the contest or has derogatory remarks, but on a daily basis does he really talk to you? Feelings? Task sharing? Is he talking about him and you? Or future projects? Romantic outings?
The importance of questioning oneself
You have to question yourself on a daily basis for yourself, so as not to get lost in your way, but also in a couple. I think you are already in this process. And sir?
You say it’s your husband, so you made commitments together and you should face life by supporting each other in mutual aid and respect.
How do you imagine the future in this present so upset?
Are you a person who smiles and is satisfied with what she has on a daily basis?
Your feelings, your emotions, are the compass that helps you to see clearly.
It’s so hard to distinguish the issues, the issues, and the solutions when we have our heads in the handlebars.
What emerges from your testimony is that you are in analysis and action.
The actions that I can propose to you and that can help you feel more comfortable, and try to move forward:
Write down your emotions, your own vision, and talk about them after the argument, calmly, objectively, analyze the two points of view and discuss potential negotiations.
Know how to recognize your good deeds but also your twists, identify them, prevent them
Remember what seduced you in the other, this flame And refocus on the pure core of the couple, to re-weld.
The goal: to have a relaxed present to profile the horizon online future.
Finally, why not go for a conjugal therapy or go to see a family mediator: a third person sometimes helps in the dialogue and the vision of the difficulties. This person has an external, neutral and distinct opinion from each entity, a real boost to hear the other, and develop common solutions for the couple.
I hope I have been able to help you in your questions and do not hesitate to give us your news!
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