steps to argue well in the couple,
You know that living together is difficult.
No matter what they try to put in your head, you have suffered enough in your romantic relationships to know. A fulfilling life as a couple, even if it makes you dream, inevitably reserves its share of difficulties. You only have to look around you to convince yourself of this. Many people (maybe you’re one of them) struggle terribly in their sentimental lives.
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For a long time, I myself went through very painful times with my darling.
What characterized our relationship at the time? Conflicts. (steps to argue well in the couple,)
We have had countless of them. A real battlefield.
My darling had been triggering emotional wounds in me since I was a child, and I was doing the same in her home. Our love for each other deteriorated over the course of the crises without much being done about it.
Because of our inability to deal with these disputes, we have come close to breaking up on several occasions.
Do you see what I mean? (steps to argue well in the couple)
Maybe you too are experiencing muscular clashes with your partner. Perhaps your disagreements weigh heavily on the scales to such an extent that you feel like you’re trapped in a tornado of negativity.
And, the worst part about all this is that you don’t know how to get out of this infernal loop.
I have good news for you.
Today, I want to share with you 4 steps that will radically transform your arguments in the couple.
If you follow these 4 steps, then I guarantee that your conflicts will seem less painful and less insurmountable. (steps to argue well in the couple)
No more endless arguments where each tries to shout louder than the other to win the case. No more feelings of injustice where you let the other “win” to find calm.
With the method that I am about to reveal to you, you will (finally) restore the connection with your partner without having the feeling of losing in return.
I propose to live your love disagreements in a much more serene way and to establish again a feeling of trust and respect at the heart of your relationship.
Are you interested in this?
So, read the following carefully.
Step 1, or the art of starting a “dispute” (steps to argue well in the couple)
I remember, as if it were yesterday.
This is what a discussion (between my darling and me) looked like when our relationship was beating garlic:
She: Once again, I’m going home and you didn’t do what I asked you. It’s ALWAYS the same with you.
Me: Come on, let’s go. What else have I done? I thought I would please you by cleaning the living room today.
She: The living room can wait! On the other hand, cleaning the dishes and throwing away the trash was too much to ask you perhaps? Afterwards, bad smells spread in the house. Why do I always have to tell you the same things?
Me: No need to put yourself in such a state. You always have to add a layer. I’m tired of being shouted at.
She looks up in the air. (steps to argue well in the couple)
She: Oh, poor man. It is true that you are to be pitied. Let me guess: you spent the whole day in front of your computer, right?
I will pass you the rest of the story, but you can see where this conversation takes us > in the wall!
You have here all the necessary ingredients to start an argument in your couple.
My darling starts with criticisms, I try to defend myself, she continues with the criticisms, sprinkle with a little contempt (eyes in the air) and so on…
You don’t need to have a crystal ball to guess the rest of the conversation.
Studies conducted by Professor Gottman, considered the “Einstein of love” on the other side of the Atlantic, have shown that the first three minutes greatly influence the rest of the conversation.
Hence the interest of paying special attention to the start of your love discussions. (steps to argue well in the couple)
That seems logical.
After all, the more you start a conversation in a positive tone, the more likely you are to end on a good note.
The opposite, on the other hand, immediately puts you in a state of negativity that can intensify throughout your exchanges.
Be careful, I see you coming.
I know it’s hard to stay calm when you feel like you’re doing all the “dirty work” and not feeling helped by your partner.
I detail this important point below.
But, the idea here is to keep the cursor centered on you, because if you verbally attack your partner, you significantly reduce your chances of getting anything from them. (steps to argue well in the couple)
The same goes if you are the person targeted by the attacks.
The best advice I can give you is to keep calm by simply showing the other that you understand his attitude and that you accept his remarks (despite the overcoat of negativity).
If your partner feels listened to, then you keep the conversation constructive and avoid getting lost in verbal jousts without tail or head.
Resuming the same conversation, this is what a smooth start can look like:
She: I’m angry because the kitchen is dirty and the bad smells come back up. I feel like I’m alone in the household. I need your help to clean the kitchen and throw away the trash.
Me: I understand. I hate cleaning, but I still have to contribute to the cleanliness of the house with you.
She: Thank you for your help. Thank you my love
Don’t get distracted by the simplicity of the sentences.
If you stay focused on your own feelings and express a request in a positive way, then your words will more easily reach the ear (and heart) of your partner.
Okay, I know that’s easier said than done.
That’s why I’m going to give you other essential keys to facilitate the smooth start.
To achieve this, you will have to pay attention to what your partner has said and use it to maintain a positive connection between you.
Find out right away what it’s all about.
Step 2, or the art of paying attention to detail (steps to argue well in the couple)
When you start a conflicting conversation with your partner, you try to pass the buck to yourself with arguments (which you believe are undeniable).
From the beginning, you must remain vigilant to the words and attitude of your partner.
Not to accumulate information in order to turn it against him/her, but rather to take advantage of these details to reduce the animosity that reigns between you.
Let me explain.
Behind these famous details are sometimes attempts at rapprochement. That is, elements that you can bounce back on to show your partner how much you love him/her and you care about him/her (despite the anger you are currently experiencing).
See these attempts at rapprochement as opportunities to press the brake pedal before the red light at the end of the tunnel.
You know that if you run that red light, you put yourself in danger. That is to say, the debate will intensify to the point of hurting your partner (and yourself at the same time). (steps to argue well in the couple)
By going beyond this safe zone, you will cause damage to the emotional bond that binds you both. Ultimately, you will harm your relationship.
But, you are certainly wondering what a successful attempt at rapprochement looks like.
If I go back to the previous conversation with my darling, an attempt at rapprochement would look like this:
She: Why didn’t you take out the trash?
Me: Sorry, I forgot. But I still cleaned the living room (attempt to get closer).
She: Yes, that’s right. Thank you for your help. That is always the case. Can we talk about the trash can now?
Such a response from him will almost instantly reduce the tension between us.
As a result, I will be in better conditions to find an effective solution to the problem “take out the trash”.
The difference between fulfilled couples and others is their ability to respond positively to attempts at rapprochement (even the least obvious ones) made by their partner. (steps to argue well in the couple)
Unlike couples, bathed in an ocean of negativity, who will miss most attempts at rapprochement (even the most obvious ones). As you will have understood, the success of an attempt at rapprochement lies in the emotional state that exists between the two partners. The more you are in the negative, the less likely you are to spot opportunities to connect with your partner.
Fortunately, I have a tip to share with you to answer this problem directly.
This third step is crucial to avoid sinking into a sea of negativity and keep the conversation on track. And that, no matter what painful issues you put on the table.
I tell you how right away.
Step 3, or the art of staying in control (steps to argue well in the couple)
You have understood this since the beginning of the article.
You should definitely keep calm throughout the conversation. If you don’t, you significantly reduce your chances of re-establishing the connection with your partner. Worse, you physically place yourself in the inability to think properly. You are emotionally drowned and the smart part of your brain is disconnected.
In this state, I wish you good luck in finding a lasting solution to your problem.
Of course, it’s easier to stay calm when you’re emotionally disengaged from the conversation. Which (let’s face it) is never the case in a romantic relationship.
Asking us to remain calm during these moments of conflict with our partner is impossible for most of us. Me first.
So I am not here to ask you the impossible. (steps to argue well in the couple)
What I want, however, is to help you react better during those moments of emotional overflow when you totally lose control over your attitude. When you feel caught up in this emotional drowning, there is only one solution: you must take a BREAK!
Yes, you read that right.
Stop everything. Tell your partner that you need to calm down and that you will resume the conversation later, when you feel better.
Nothing out of the ordinary, isn’t it?
Yet, this simple advice can radically change your relationship to conflicts with your partner. This break is a bit like your seatbelt. You should use it as soon as the situation requires it. This will save you from unnecessary remorse and escalation during your thorny debates.
Studies on the subject have shown that a break of at least 20 to 30 minutes is necessary to truly soothe you.
During this break, you are free to do what you want. Only one rule: do not address the word to your partner and especially do not repeat the subject of the current discussion.
The goal, you change the ideas.
I regularly help the couples I accompany to build a toolbox to calm down when the situation requires it.
Then, once both partners return to a stable emotional state, what happens?
This is what I propose you to discover right away.
Step 4, or the art of finding common ground (steps to argue well in the couple)
Whether you like it or not, the only solution to your marital problems is to reach a compromise. Unfortunately, it is also at this stage that most couples fail.
I would say for various and varied reasons. But one thing is certain, the three steps described above are essential to find common ground.
By respecting this order, you condition yourself positively to achieve the goal.
Another mistake that I encounter (too) often is the one that consists in wanting to change the other.
You may recognize yourself, but I meet a lot of people who imagine that “if only” their partner was slightly different, then their relationship would be much better.
This “if only” represents one of the most widespread scourges in love. I see it everywhere, in every sauce.
The problem is that by doing so, you are blaming the other. You do not take your responsibility. You close your eyes to the other half of the story, that is, you.
Even worse, you show your partner that their version of the story doesn’t matter to you.
As a result, he/she will feel attacked or disunderstood and will refuse the solutions you submit to him/her. It does not matter how effective they are.
To break the deadlock, the rule is to show your partner that you have understood him or her and that you accept his or her point of view (even if you do not agree).
Once you both feel listened to and considered, then you can start making your proposals to come up with a willing solution.
It is no more complicated than that.
But like everything, now you need to take action, otherwise you will continue to repeat the same mistakes and you will always get the same results.
What you want to avoid, I guess.
It’s up to you (steps to argue well in the couple)
Before you get into yet another argument with your partner, make sure you carefully follow the steps described above:
1. Pay attention to the first three minutes of the conversation
2. Hang on to your partner’s attempts at rapprochement
3. Take a break if you feel anger rise
4. Find a “win-win” common ground between you
Otherwise, you risk burning yourself.
I hope you liked this article. Do not hesitate to share your opinion with me.
And, I tell you see you very soon for my next article on Talking about Love.