Do I have to break up?
Should I break up? Question from Julie
I recently discovered your site and first of all thank you because I finally find words, the real ones that are addressed to “us”!
I hope I go through the right place (contact form) for my questions!
So I allow myself to write to you (and to tutoyer you if you do not see any problem!) because after months or even years of questions and doubts, I am more than lost.
Here I am in a couple for more than 7 years with my spouse, he is 36 years old, I am 28, we are engaged, we bought a house, in short everything of a small quiet and tidy life. The first 3 years were lived remotely because I did not live in the same region as him but we saw each other every weekend. He is my first love.
A love for him indescribable, I have always put him on a pedestal, always been fascinated by his qualities, all that he is. 4 years ago I left everything, family and friends to come and settle with him. Anyway it was that or I lost him because he refused to come and settle in the Paris region, where I am from. ( Do I have to break up )(
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This is understandable in the sense that he had a safe job for a few years and I did not, I was coming out of school. Today my life here annoys me terribly ,I realize that all the choices have all been made for him, my installation here, my work, the purchase of the house… Of course I said yes, but I realize that this plan-plan life bores me. I realize that my spouse and I are completely different. We always knew it, from the beginning we lived periods to tear each other apart for 3 years. But I was crazy in love. I remember that 4 years ago I had doubts about the question of coming to settle down with him.
Do I have to break up
At the same time I was attracted to a man with whom I had a little story, nothing concrete. But already I was questioning everything. Then I settled here, 4 years of living together where when I look back I am dissatisfied. I think that we do not share anything, that we never do anything. But it’s in his nature, he’s like that, very homemaker, he never offers anything, for years every time I offered him an activity as small as she was like a cinema, he always made me understand that it got him drunk and so I always did everything alone.
He does not mind, he tells me that he leaves me free, because he prefers to stay quiet at home, that he has already done a lot being younger. Except that I was 19 years old I was with him, we locked ourselves up and so I did not have my youth, I have my mistakes too because during our first 3 years I wanted all the time to lock myself up with him.
A year ago I knew someone, someone who looked more like me, I hesitated for a long time to leave everything, but too many doubts. I talked to my spouse a little bit about it just by telling him that I had doubts about us. He had a hard time putting up with it, I did everything I could not to make him go away. So I had hope and then a few months ago I met someone again, we fell in love, he is simply my double, I have never had such complicity, we want the same things, we understand each other, this feeling appeared from the first discussions. ( Do I have to break up )
So I told my spouse that we had to leave after months and months of questions and doubts. He suffers terribly, I feel like I’m going to ruin his life for him. He has completely questioned himself and decides to change but I wonder if it is not too late. Despite all this, I can’t help but see this other man I fell in love with. I have a terrible desire to change my life and it is all I want to share with the person I am with.
With my spouse, we always live under the same roof because our house is not sold. He wants me back, tells me things that put me even more doubts such as “we can not throw 7 years like that, there may still be something to save”… I can’t tell if I still like it. I’m afraid to regret, it’s a pearl, I have nothing to reproach him for, he loves me more than anything, does everything for me, but is he made for me? Maybe our paths are starting to move away.. I know for a fact that if we stay together again I will deceive him. I no longer have a desire for him. We have been trying to make a child for 2 years, which does not work, I am afraid of getting pregnant with him anyway. I’m afraid one day to regret. ( Do I have to break up )
He is really a good person, we get along well, we are accomplices. He is in the process of setting up a professional project that is my dream, it is also me who launched him in there, and I am afraid to miss it.. But maybe he’s right, that you have to do everything for your couple…
In short I am lost, it has been going on for too long, I am in a real black hole, how is it possible at this point to doubt and not to know?
Thank you in advance for your answer.
See you soon!
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You live in a rather ordinary story that nevertheless raises thousands of questions. So, of course, you can never be ‘ sure’, there are no black or white answers. However, if I can’t answer the question “is what you still love him”, I am sure of one thing: it is high time that you listened to yourself, that you stopped thinking “couple” or “him”. You need to find yourself as an individual, as a woman who has dreams and still has plenty of time to fulfill them.
I recommend you to read these articles:
This is not new: you have been doubting your relationship for several years now. And, if sometimes questioning oneself allows you to find a fulfilling life, as far as you are concerned, your doubts are today certainties.
You say that your friend has always done everything for you but this is not true, it is you who has always done everything for him: he did not want to follow you and come to settle down with you. You left your loved ones and your city to join him, because you were crazy about him. You followed your heart and you don’t have to regret it, you lived what you had to live with it.
You’ve been to see somewhere else more than once and then always came back to him. The fear of the unknown and especially the fear that it will not work with another certainly push you to come back to your friend every time. Except that, if you don’t try anything with another, if you don’t commit for good, you’ll never be able to know. There are no right or wrong choices. The real problem is that at the moment you can’t make up your mind and you falter between one decision and another rather than decide.
Don’t be afraid to hurt him: it is by learning that you have a double relationship that he would really hurt. He can’t blame you for not loving him anymore. Sometimes we think we are hooked to someone for reasons that seem logical to us which makes the break-up more difficult to envisage. A recurring problem is to idealize the man or woman that one is about to leave and to attribute to him qualities that he does not necessarily have.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
What do I cling to? What is so perfect about it? What are its unique qualities?
What do I feel so special about when I’m with him? Could I get it with another one?
Have I ever met someone who had some of his qualities and much more?
What are its shortcomings?
I do not think it will be difficult for you to answer these four questions. You and your friend have qualities and flaws, like everyone else. Yes, but… Qualities and defects do not have much to do with compatibility. In itself, being a homemaker is not necessarily a defect when the other is also a defect. Like a libertine couple: if the two agree on the practice, why judge? They are happy.
The problem of your couple lies in your differences of character that are not complementary. You are bored in his perfect life.
Moreover, as you say, if you do not leave him for good, you will deceive him again and again until you really fall madly in love with another to the point of taking off. You’ve found someone, why are you still asking yourself questions? 7 years of relationship is in no way a reason to stay with someone you no longer desire and with whom you find the monotonous life.
As for his professional project, once again, you can’t stay with someone for such a reason. This project, if you were included in it, would only be one more prison. Do not make this mistake, you will find it even more difficult to detach yourself from him.
You say that it is a pearl and that you have nothing to reproach it for. Alas, as cruel as it is, you don’t have to have to reproach the other person to no longer love him. Habit and everyday life act as ropes that prevent you from moving forward. However, it is essential that you think about your future and stop looking back if you want to flourish. Imagine your future for even two minutes: with whom do you envisage it? How? Where do you see yourself? What are your plans?
It is true that a couple does not like themselves 24 hours a day, nor all the time with the same intensity. It is even surprising to see great love stories experience periods of troughs that resemble immense chasms or even forgetfulness: something else to live, to think, we fall in love and then we seem to unerudite. Love for is as rare and as difficult to hug as it is easy to spoil. Lack of vigilance, when we let the couple go to the son of months and years, without really taking care of it, it can continue to last, certainly, but in what state and at what price? No one wants to stay in a sullen, conventional relationship.
Here is Julie, I hope that through my analysis and these two small excerpts, you will hear that there is a time for everything and that you sometimes have to know how to take your courage with both hands to make a choice. You will not be able to live indefinitely between two men, between two desires, between two fears… Your choice has already been made for a long time in your head and your heart, it remains only to make it real.