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How to reassure a man who is afraid to commit

Here is an article intended primarily for female readers, but readers will undoubtedly find very interesting information to communicate on an equal footing with their girlfriends, who have been tanning them for months so that they finally engage or more. How can we reassure a man who is afraid to commit or love? Here are some ideas!


Reassuring a man who is afraid to commit: The different senses

First of all, let’s take a look at the dictionary to see what the word “Engagement” means. In Larousse, for example, about fifteen different meanings are associated with it – but the definition of commitment in the context of a romantic relationship does not appear.


We begin to perceive at this point that if you girls want to talk about commitment to your man, it is likely that he does not have the same interpretation as you.

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Imagine that, for him, the commitment to love that you demand from him is synonymous with the meaning n°1 of Larousse, that is to say “an act by which one undertakes to accomplish something; promise, agreement or contract by which one binds oneself”. Save who can! It’s impossible to change your mind, to make a mistake! And how terrible it would be to betray one’s commitment and to feel guilty/discredited for life in the eyes of others!

If your companion perceives the commitment according to meaning n°3:

“The action of bringing something, a group into a narrow space”. So commitment is undoubtedly, for him, synonymous with suffocation, panic, death for the most claustrophobic of them.

Go, one last example, for meaning n°8 “Accounting:

all obligations to third parties. ». Monsieur Peureux de l’Engagement undoubtedly visualizes on his shoulders the enormous burden of being the responsible, the financial support of his future family.


You can do the exercise with each of the senses of the dictionary, and you will see that your companion can legitimately be very afraid of commitment. Wouldn’t you yourself be panicked at the idea of making a final choice, without the possibility of error, suffocating, even deadly (for claustrophobes, entering an elevator and not being able to get out of it causes uncontrollable attacks of anguish), with the pressure of having to provide financially for your family?

What can be done, in this case, to reassure a man who is afraid to commit himself?

First, talk to him. Yes, I know, you don’t stop getting him drunk with that discussing the subject, but what you’re going to have to do is first and foremost try to understand what scares him.

Then, for each fear, look together whether it is legitimate or not. And above all, no misplaced susceptibility. If you attack him when he verbalizes his fears by trying to contradict him, you will prove him right to be afraid. You must see a fear as an objection: you will not seek to destroy it, but to reduce it by rationalizing. Your goal is therefore to make your partner understand that his fear is not reality; no one can foresee the future, and no one can claim that the past will be repeated in all circumstances.

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Let’s take an example:

Your companion is afraid of making mistakes, of not being in love with you in 10 or 20 years, of being bored.


The most effective way is to bring your own reflection through another question. For example, ask him if expressing his love to you now and according to your expectations (we will see this notion of waiting a little lower) would commit him for life? Would this condemn him to live a boring life with a woman he might no longer love until his death? Reassure him by making him realize that from your point of view also, it is impossible to project oneself with certainty into the future, even with the most efficient crystal balls.

Life is not static.

Everything changes, all the time. A man and a woman can see their respective aspirations take different paths. It is not a question of being pessimistic about the outcome of a romantic relationship, but of accepting the idea that a separation (which could also be your own!) can conclude a beautiful story, before another beautiful story begins. Of course, if he can accept it, so can you. Finally, you can tell him that today and now, the strong bond that unites you makes you want to plan things for two, quite simply.

Another example of a man who is afraid to commit:

your partner has a family model built around a father who works hard to support his family, and a stay-at-home mother who raises her children. His father works a lot to earn enough money, and he has no more time for his leisure, and when he has it, he is too tired anyway. It is therefore possible that your lover, who is very attached to his Sunday morning football training, his pizza-beer evenings with friends and the cine-restaurant evenings in duet with you on Saturday evening, visualizes the commitment as a set of obligations preventing him from living these good times.

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Here too, to reassure your man who is afraid to commit himself, to reduce his fear, you must make him aware that it is not rational. That what his father went through is not what he himself will experience, if he does not wish to.

Here too, give priority to the question rather than the affirmation! Rather than telling him that he will always be able to continue to see his friends and do his favorite hobbies, ask him if he is sure to relive the constraints that his father endured. There is a good chance that he will realize on his own that he does not want to. Do not hesitate to bounce back by reassuring him about your intentions: you love him for what he is now, and you have no desire for him to turn into a beast of burden for you


A final small example for the road on the fact of reassuring a man who is afraid to commit:

Your boyfriend has a mother who moans all the time after his father, who crashes so that she can give him peace. Besides, his uncle lives the same thing, with his aunt who does not stop reproaching him for being disordered and not participating in household chores. What a beautiful vision of a committed romantic relationship… He may be afraid that you will turn into a slyeter once the commitment is made.

For this fear in particular, asking the question “Do you really think I can become boring like your mother or aunt?” doesn’t make sense.

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What for? Because he will not want to offend you, make you angry, hurt you…

Men, more than women, abhor conflict and stormy explanations! It is a question of reassuring him about you, and not about his environment / about what he can control (see the two previous examples). So you have to persuade him that you are the best girl he can bet on. It’s up to you to identify what he likes in you and value him to make him understand what he could lose if you were no longer there. Be careful, this last point is of course implicit, do not go and tell him “you see what you could lose if I left”, because there, you would activate his fear of emotional blackmail, which would definitely associate you in his mind with the couples of his parents and his uncle!

Don’t forget: How to reassure a man who is afraid to commit

A man who is afraid to love or who is afraid of commitment is usually afraid of losing something (his freedom, etc.), because he is more often than a woman turned to the past. On the contrary, a woman being more oriented towards the future, she is more afraid of missing an opportunity to come (having children, getting married, buying a house for her family life etc.).


What is more commitment for a woman?

For there is no answer to a fundamental question: what does a woman expect from a man to whom she demands “more commitment”?

Gentlemen, note the following: for a woman, committing herself is above all a proof of the intensity of the love you have for her. She is as worried as you are and simply needs to be reassured. In her unconscious, the form of commitment she asks of you is associated with the level of love you have for her.

  • Gradually increase the couple’s time: go from one romantic evening a week to two, then see each other on weekends, during the holidays. Translation: “I miss him when I’m not with him, so he has feelings for me”.
  • Officially present her as her girlfriend to her friends. Translation: “I’m not just a one-night stand, we’re part of the long term”.
  • Plan joint activities several months in advance. Translation: “If he is able to project himself with me in the coming months, the relationship has strengthened enough to wish to live more than just the present time.”
  • Officially present it to his family.
  • Rent an apartment or house together. Translation: “He loves me otherwise he would not accept to take the risk of ending up on the street if we separated”.
  • Buy an apartment for two. “He loves me and sees our relationship in the long term, otherwise he would not accept to take such a significant financial risk and end up on the street or lose his investment if we separated.”
  • marry. Translation: “He agrees to show it to other women that he is already caught.”
  • Become parents. Translation: “When you are married, you can always divorce, whereas with a child, you have an unbreakable bond. It is the pinnacle of proofs of love.”
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Of course here I caricature a little, because the association “proof of commitment” / “intensity of love experienced” can be different depending on the experience, education, culture, and religion of your girlfriend.

Finally, for a woman, engaging also has a close and intimate relationship with her life expectations. A woman has a biological clock running. She won’t be able to wait until your fear of commitment subsides.

She may have a religious upbringing that will lead her to want to be married before having children. If she did not follow the family customs / her “group of belonging”, she could be badly considered, and fear being rejected by her parents, by her entourage.

So gentlemen: if you have fears, know that your partner has fears too.

Ladies, to be able to reassure a man who is afraid of commitment, it is necessary to identify, understand and rationalize his fears but do not forget yours.

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Juliana Oti

    October 14, 2021 at 1:50 am

    Thanks for the education is really helpful.

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