I live a hidden relationship
“I live a hidden relationship with a man in a couple: that
do? Question from O.
It’s been a while now that I follow your chronicles and I love it!
But it’s my turn to have a piece of advice from you (which I’ll be able to follow or not… I hope so).
I explain to you, here it is, it’s been 5 months that I live a love story “hidden” (to live happy live hidden is that? no it does not work for me) with a certain man with whom I am madly in love! we met at our beginning of the year in master2, he was already in this school, me it was my first year there. (We are in the same class, we see each other in class every Monday)
I think we fell in love! from the first week of our meeting we talked to each other constantly! we left each other more! but I KNEW! I knew he was living with his girlfriend...!
But we continued to talk to each other, to go to the cinema, to walk around… to attach!
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We decided to start a story! But I KNEW! We are in love, we love ourselves I know, he loves me!
They’ve been together for 4 years, not married, no children, no commitments, but they’re still together! He does not want to end their story because he sees no interest in it since nothing is happening between them! he says he no longer loves her but he feels a lot of affection for her. He says they no longer have any relationship with her and that they no longer sleep together (my eye yes!). t
hey only share meals some evenings (I know she is there every day since mademoiselle finds herself unemployed) he uses pretext not to let her down but Love I can not leave and leave her in the with the rent…. blablabla. He asks me to wait, but until when? no answer.
His sister, with whom he is very close, knows of my existence and I met her once. He has many, many girlfriends, friends, which makes us see each other 1 to 2 times a week (you understand you have to see a little everyone). He hides his text messages as much as possible, he avoids answering them when I am next to him! it is the gift of putting me out of me!
I think he doesn’t want to leave her to keep his little comfort of life. He tells me that he lives very badly this situation and that it makes him suffer to see me like this (I suffer so much!) it tears my heart to tell me that they are together, at home …
I became super boring! super jealous! While I’m pretty cool basic, ( I live a hidden relationship )
I tell myself that the best would be to end this relationship, even if, it manages to project us into the future. He talks about marriage etc but I think it’s a way to drown the fish, to make me wait…
I’m starting to believe in it less and less, it’s felt on our reports, I don’t want to see it, well no, I’m less happy to see it! At first it was unbearable to be in class without being able to touch it! now blah… Oh, yes! in progress no one is aware! nor even his sidekick who suspects something and threatens him to tell everything to V. (his girlfriend) << what a horrible name!
I’m afraid to leave him! Afraid that he will realize that it was only a love passade and that the routine of his couple was a course to pass! I find my reaction selfish, but if it happens that we separate, I will be alone and he will always be in company!
I wish he suffered as much as I did!
I am thinking of Monday, which is in progress. How’s it going to go? I’m on the home stretch, I don’t want to spoil my year for a love story. I am 26 years old and he 27, I spent my previous years suffering the misfortunes of unhealthy relationships! And here I am in another of these relationships and yet I KNEW it! ( I live a hidden relationship )
Why does love make us do so much bullshit!? Having had stories of, why did I have an ounce of hope that it was mine?
You may not have time to answer all this, or even to have advice to give me, but I agree to hear everything even what hurts.
See you soon I hope.
Hello O. ,
To begin with I’m not going to tell you that your relationship with this man who is in a relationship is good or bad because love is not so sharp and sometimes makes us do things that are “wrong” ethically parlancet. You fell in love with him, this love at first sight was reciprocal, and here you are both embarked on an unnamed quagmire where you suffer from being alone when you imagine him with her and where he suffers from playing a double game with on one side the passion, on the other, the routine to which he is in spite of himself attached.
I will take up the points one by one.
analysis: ( I live a hidden relationship )
“He doesn’t want to end their story because he sees no point in it since nothing happens between them anymore!” It’s a little strange as a reason not to break. I rather think, as you also explained, that he has a lot of affection for his girlfriend and that, even if indeed there is not much going on with her anymore, he is afraid to leave her and make her suffer. “Il says he no longer loves her but he feels a lot of affection for her.
He says he no longer has any relationship with her and that they no longer sleep together” if he tells the truth, I assure you that he must suffer a lot in his relationship. Four years is relatively long, not sleeping together and no longer having intercourse when you are 27 years old, it is completely freaking (because, apparently, it is not what suits him. It’s not as if their couple started on platonic bases)
“He hides his text messages as much as possible, he avoids answering them when I’m next to him! it’s the gift of putting me out of me! I think he doesn’t want to leave her to keep his little comfort of life. He tells me that he is experiencing this situation very badly and that it makes him suffer to see me like this (I suffer so much!) it tears my heart to tell me that they are together, at home… I became super boring! super jealous! While I’m pretty cool basic” The problem is that you’re so in love with him that you live your relationship with him as a couple relationship and by doing so you risk breaking your wings and suffering even more.
The messages he receives from his girlfriend irritates you, you become jealous when the reality should be the opposite: it is you who are “the other” (the words used here are harsh but the situation is as it is at the moment). So it’s his girlfriend (if she learned) who should go crazy, not you. Only, you are far too attached today to continue this relationship. What looked like a no-brainer turned into torture for you. And that’s understandable!
“Il manages to project us into the future. He talks about marriage etc but I think it’s a way to drown the fish, to make me wait… So on the one hand he tells you that he can’t leave her, on the other he tells you about marriage and a possible future between you? It’s very contradictory and it’s unhealthy of him to make you hope so soon (he obviously doesn’t do it on purpose). But he can’t give you such great hope when he himself doesn’t know what he wants.
“I’m afraid to leave him! Afraid that he will realize that it was only a love passade and that the routine of his couple was a course to pass! I find my reaction selfish, but if it happens that we separate, I will be alone and he will always be in company!
I wish he suffered as much as I did! “Objectively, I understand your reaction but you can’t keep thinking like that. You are not in the same situation it is undeniable but it does not mean that there is one who suffers more than the other even if you are more emotional than him.
You are afraid that he will realize that in the end, in his couple it was not so terrible and that finally, this short relationship that he will have maintained with you, will have allowed him to realize it. If that’s the case, you can’t blame him even though it will be very hard to bear. In couple relationships, there are sometimes phases where you are lost and where you find yourself afterwards. It is difficult for me to judge his but with the little you have told me, either he will continue to live his routine and die of boredom or he will eventually leave it.
You want him to suffer as much as you do, because you hate him because of what he makes you endure. But if you love him above all, you should think above all about his happiness. On the other hand, it must be reciprocal and it would be so much after 5/6 months that he took his courage with both hands. He will not always be able to lead this double life.
Basically, if you stop your relationship, he will continue to be unhappy in his life as a five-year-old when he is only 27 and you will be unhappy for the reasons mentioned above…
advice: I live a hidden relationship
You certainly expected me to tell you to stop everything with him and well no. If you love yourself and you are sure of his love for you, I don’t see why you won’t try to build a real relationship. The problem is that, if he leaves his girlfriend, he will have to recover (even if he no longer loves her, they have been together for four years and there is necessarily habit and affection …). And you’re going to have to pick up the crumbs (unless he doesn’t like her anymore and he’s completely indifferent to her but you can’t predict that).
Imagine the situation: you get together, he leaves her and one day you see him on the verge of tears and he tells you that it is not easy for him. Would you be able to react properly or would you come out of your gonds by swinging “bah go back with her if you were better with…” and all the blablabla filled with wickedness?
I think he’s aware that ending a four-year relationship and starting another one right after that’s going to be complicated…
Now, what absolutely must be done is tohave a conversation, a realone. He has to make a choice. So, I know, that’s what you’ve been asking him to do for a while, but he still hasn’t made his decision, you’re more and more angry with him and your relationship is getting worse. You cannot go on like this. I also know that being in the same class, stopping your relationship is mission impossible. However, you will have to give him an ultimatum (and this, without screaming, without crying).
Tell him that you love him more than anything, that your love for him is only growing and that you can’t do it anymore. Also explain that you understand his situation and that even if you are jealous, you know that you cannot blame him because his situation is even more complex. Basically, you pause things calmly, without off. Then tell him that if he can’t make a decision quickly, that you’ll make it for him even if it tears your heart out.
If you get to that point, and you end both of you, hold on. If he really loves you he will soon come back. If he doesn’t come back, too bad, you won’t have lost anything (a guy who didn’t like you or a coward who prefers to stay with someone he doesn’t like rather than take his courage with both hands to live with the one he loves).
I am well aware that all this is not easy to put into practice but you will have to get to this point one day or the other because the situation will not improve on its own!
If you have any other questions or points that you want me to clarify, I invite you to leave a comment.
Hoping to have helped you,