mistake made by all couples
How can we explain that 40% of married couples divorce? Or better yet, how can we explain that second marriages fail even more often, in 60% of cases?
For example, how do Julie and Bertrand do to be happy as a couple for 30 years? And yet, they are two ordinary people. They have access to the same temptations, have the same difficulties, the same worries about money and work. So what’s their secret?
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Why when I ask the French “what do you want in life” EVERYONE answers me “to be happy”. So why is it that so few people are happy as a couple for a long time?
These are the questions I am going to answer (mistake made by all couples)
A few years ago, I never fell in love. And yet that’s what I wanted the most on earth. And worse, I made the women I was dating unhappy, not because I treated them badly, I always thought that kindness was a quality, but simply because I was not in love. So I preferred to put an end to it. It was a nice relationship, an acceptable relationship. But, being a love lover, it wasn’t enough.
Then I made a discovery.
And this discovery profoundly changed my vision of how the world and couples work. And it even changed the way I behave. It turns out that there is a reason why I was not in love: I did not choose the ones that suited me, but the ones that I liked.
Often, we get in a relationship with a person who we like but who does not necessarily correspond to us.
It turns out that people in a permanently happy couple, whether it is Julie and Bertrand, or all the others, have understood the difference between what they like and what suits them. This is a very simple idea. In other words, there is what we like, and we believe that this is what will make us happy. And there is what suits us. This small difference explains why a couple lasts or not.
Let’s define the terms very quickly: mistake made by all couples
Each person has his preferences, 100% of people are able to say if this woman or man likes him or not. Some are even able to make you a long list like the arm of what they like and what they are looking for in a woman/man.
But, very few people know what suits them. By “what suits them” I do not mean “who attracts them” there, here, now. We don’t fall in love! We climb in love. By “what suits them”, I mean: who is the person who will make you happy? Which one will best suit you? What makes you really happy as a couple?
For the majority of people, the way of thinking and acting is based on what they like and what the person shows them. And as they like it, they make an easy shortcut. If they like it, it suits them, so it will make us happy. It’s obvious!
It is a mistake to believe that. And I experienced it.
Happy people in a couple, regardless of their culture, age, previous love experiences think and act the opposite.
They wonder what suits them. That is to say, what they like, will please, will make you happy in the long term. They have a better knowledge of what is good for them.
They work the opposite: It suits me, so it will make me happy, that’s what I like. (mistake made by all couples)
I will give an easy-to-understand example that I will share with you in complete transparency.
I had been invited to a party, telling me “you will see there will be pretty girls”. I arrive at the party and I see a girl full of grace and charm: Alice. As soon as I saw her, I liked her. Obviously I watched her discreetly, I heard her speak, and everything she said created in me what I call the “wow effect”. In other words, I am seduced and my animal (reptilian) brain has gained the upper hand over my reason (the neo cortex).
I like it so much that necessarily it corresponds to me says my animal brain! I managed to date her (a feat given my level of self-esteem at the time), then as the months passed I found that the magic flew away. The bordelic habits that made all its charm at first began to annoy me.
This story did not work. I chose a girl I liked but that didn’t make me happy. She didn’t fit me.
This is how we also work in the purchase of a car. We have a crush (we like it), we buy it and then we realize that it is not practical and does not meet our needs. That is how we have regrets. And marketing does everything to encourage us to be impulsive, so in the long run: “make yourself happy, these pants fit you very well”. We already have 3 identical ones at home!! Or, we dream of working at Google or L’Oréal. These are companies that we like, we love their advertising, their products. And then once we work there, we realize that they don’t fit us, that they’re not for us.
There is a difference between what we like and what suits us. And this difference is simple. Do you want pleasure or happiness as a couple?
Pleasure acts as an anesthetic, its effect fades with time. It’s like a coffee whose effect only lasts for a while. Happiness is a state of lasting satisfaction, therefore longer term.
Here’s another example: mistake made by all couples
I remember a friend, Carole who told me: “at work I am a winneuse, but in love it is the disaster, I will end up having a child on my own”. She was attracted to male artists, dark, bad boy. I do not make generalities obviously, but each time, they deceived her. When she left them, they came back to her, and she gave in, again in a pattern that she reproduced perpetually. These men were doing “stuff in his stomach.” Clearly, he liked them. But they do not fit him so for a lasting, stable, and happy relationship. I said to him: “Do you think he will make a good, secure, loving father?” She said no.
There is a difference between what we like and what suits us and will make us happy.
It is a choice. I wanted to broaden his long-term vision by linking it to these needs.
Here’s how Julie and Bertrand worked.
Julie and Bertrand knew their basic needs to be happy. And they had the same ones. They knew, before meeting, both of them what would suit them and did not allow themselves to be “counted” by the first impression. Their vision of the couple is based on mutual aid, sharing. Their vision of children’s education is the same. Their way of life, their priorities are the same. In short, they had a real knowledge of their needs that is to say, of what would make them happy. This allowed them to make the robot portrait of the ideal partner. Not physically, but in terms of personality, lifestyle.
The goal is not to find a person you like but to find a person who will make you happy because it suits you. (mistake made by all couples)
If you continue to be attracted to the same people like my friend Carole and every time it doesn’t work, why would the result be different?
Life is simple. You are happy as a couple. Carry on. Otherwise change something. And what you need to change is the way you think. You have to resist what you see and look deeper, in the other but first in your home. Find what will make you happy is first of all to know yourself better.
Here’s how: mistake made by all couples
#1 You can read the book “the 5 languages of love »
This book will let you know what makes you feel happy. Moreover, all couples, at the beginning should read it together, aloud to be able to debate and know each other better. I tried, it created an incredible complicity.
#2 Find your emotional drivers.
For this, 4 steps: list all your couples stories, even the bad ones. Then, find in each story a specific moment when you felt fulfilled. (not precise = we were at a friend’s birthday party. Accurate = We were at a friend’s birthday party, then we slipped away, and there we looked at the sky together, he put his hand on mine, and he told me that he would always be there for me…). The third step is to understand the meaning and why you felt fulfilled. What was the trigger? The last step allows you to find the themes that define the robot portrait of the ideal partner.
#3 Find your values
Values are the rules of life that are important to you and that govern, like a compass, your behaviors. Answer the question: what is really important to me in life? Who are the people you admire and why? If you can choose the rules of a country you would create, what would be the values? If you were free to do what you want, what cause would you defend and why?
Look at the unhappy couples, it is obvious that they do not match. But happy couples all have this thing in common. They know their needs. They make the choice of who corresponds to them rather than what they like at the moment.