I am no longer happy in my relationship
A young woman recently sent me an email saying clearly “I am no longer happy in my relationship”. Full of doubts, she asked me for help. Here is the message I received from Clémence who is wondering about her couple:
I am no longer happy in my relationship.
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The message of clemency:
Hello Lea,
I came across your site stupidly and I must admit that what you do is great! I understand that you must receive a lot of messages for love problems, it is true that I have watched some but I do not find the one that corresponds to what I live and that allowed me to help me that is why I send you this request and hope that you can answer it.
Love at first sight
So there you have it, if I write to you it’s because I need an outside opinion that could perhaps allow me to clear up my black holes. Indeed it has been 1 year and 4 months that I am with my boyfriend, we met (although we knew him before) during a party and it was love at first sight, we were so different but we immediately understood each other, a good complicity, we laugh a lot, he is someone very intelligent, caring.
Age difference
He is 25 years old and I 20,he has suffered enormously in the past (an ex who cheated on him…) And I had a lot of trouble getting his trust at first, ditto for his family or friends most do not appreciate me because of my age and do not seek to appreciate me. It often happens that I have to be accountable to all his people and I must admit, that being someone with a lot of convictions, having to justify myself on who I am offended and I hate to do that.
If I had only had to do it once it could have passed, but it’s regular. And this pushes me to ask myself questions, do I really want all my life to justify myself on the choices I made with him? Since they are not able to understand it.
Discordances and lack of desire
My boyfriend is in Medicine, something quite complex, and what makes me vibrate is art. Unfortunately the training of my boyfriend is hard and intense, stressful for him, he is under a lot of pressure from his parents, who take the opportunity to question our couple.
And some time ago since the pressure of his parents, he became soft. as if he was there but he was not there, he no longer looks at me as before I feel like I do not even excite him despite many attempts that normally do not fail.
So I started to get used to this relationship, since we saw each other less, I continued to make my life and I went back to the place where I met him going there regularly I know a lot of people there, actually there are a lot of cute boys that I know quite well but I never asked myself questions about them, it was a bit of a “fantasy” except that at that party, something happened with one of them.
Unexpected meeting
Looks that made me feel everything, that made me feel something so strong I’m not sure I felt that before,(he obviously doesn’t know anything happened except some looks and we touched our hands slightly). I know that this boy will not be the best for a lasting couple, but the things he made me feel I had forgotten and I tell myself that from the moment he is an attractive man I think it would have happened.
Something broke
So several events followed one another, the pressure of the parents, the mini depression of my boyfriend, and what happened during my evening. And since then I feel like what I felt with his looks broke something in my relationship, or just made me open my eyes to the things I no longer felt.
It is true that if I have the choice between seeing my boyfriend or not seeing him I prefer not to see him, I no longer want to have sex with him although I have never had to complain about his performance.
Idealization
We have greatly idealized our couple both by being convinced that everything would be fine and that it would last a very very long time and I realize that I may have on my side a little too idealized the thing and that I am still a little young and that I may still have a little time. I told him about it, that I had doubts etc…
And being someone very sensitive he obviously took it very badly, as I abandoned him that anyway his life was that I was the only thing left to him and that I too was going to abandon him… and I’m someone who feels a lot of guilt so I told him that we could give ourselves a second chance… only in the depths of me nothing has changed, I no longer feel anything in my little heart even when I told him of my doubts and that everything almost ended, obviously I had tears, but in my heart nothing happens, more since what I felt in the evening.
I feel guilty
I am so afraid that he will be unhappy because of what he has experienced before he is very fragile, and my goal is not to destroy his life. But he is a very pessimistic one, he will never see hope anywhere. so I don’t know what to do anymore.. I think right now being with him doesn’t bother me more than that, but not being with him suits me.
He has become a bit like my friend, I still manage to have delusions with him, I still sleep with him but I do not feel anything anymore finally all this is weird .. I’m not sure where I am anymore.
I am no longer happy in my relationship: My answer to help Clémence:
Hello Clémence,
Thank you for your message and your trust. Several problems arise in your couple to read this long message. Let’s try to analyze them one by one.
I’m younger than my boyfriend
You explain to me that you are younger than your friend and that this seems to be a problem for those around him. When I read you, I feel like I wrote this a few years ago now. I have indeed experienced exactly this situation. It is not so much a problem of age difference but of stage of life. When I started a relationship I was 19 years old, he 24 years old. But most importantly, I was just starting my graduate studies when he had just finished it and entered the world of work.
So I had neither the same interests as his friends, nor the same discussions and it took me a few years to be fully accepted. Her friends see you as the “young girl”, the one who has not seen much in life, the one who risks going elsewhere to live her youth to the fullest. If you really wanted to be accepted, you would take your pain in patience, you could, as I did at the time, avoid meeting too often his friends and tell you that your man loves you and that’s all that matters.
In my opinion, the problem is that the problem is not there at all. I think you want to make excuses because you don’t want to be with him anymore, you don’t know exactly why but you’d rather find valid reasons. Which is entirely understandable.
I don’t love him anymore since I met someone
When you’ve been to that party and met someone, it’s normal that you felt this way: you don’t really have any intimacy with your friend anymore, so the first seductive man who looks for you will make you succumb. This is more of an escape than a love at first sight. The forbidden makes you dream, especially when you are unhappy in your relationship.
Reading you, it is clear that you are no longer in love, you prefer not to see him, you no longer want to make love, you find him soft… You rightly evoke the idealization of your couple. You are very lucid about the situation, you yourself say you want to enjoy, to find yourself a little young. It is better to realize this now than in ten years!
I feel guilty
You don’t have to feel guilty. You are not a medicine! Your friend may be fragile, be depressed… It’s not your fault. It’s hard to leave someone you care about and have affection for when you know they’re going badly. But your role is not there and you won’t make him happier by forcing yourself to stay with him. Yes, you will make him suffer if you leave him, but in any breakup, there is suffering on both sides.
I am no longer happy in my relationship: What to do?
Listen to yourself, do not seek to be the perfect woman who will never hurt because it is not possible. Don’t waste any precious year of your life for a man you no longer love. Sometimes we would like it to work again, for everything to go back to the way it was before, but we have changed so much ourselves that it becomes impossible.
Trust yourself and assume your choices, you will see that your heart will be much lighter.
Hoping to have helped you Clémence!
